Overcoming Failure to Launch Syndrome: Your Guide to Independence

Let’s be honest: the young adult years can be really tough—on both individuals and their families. Honestly, the challenges of this time of time aren’t talked about nearly enough.

Sometimes a young person finds themselves in a position where it’s difficult to become independent from their parents. They may still live at home, can’t find work, or are having trouble feeling motivated or able to leave the nest. When this happens, it’s often referred to as “failure to launch,” which refers to the phenomenon where young adults have trouble becoming independent from their folks.

If you are experiencing “failure to launch syndrome,” or if you are a parent whose child is in this position, you probably have a lot of questions and concerns. You might want to know what is causing this issue, signs and symptoms, impacts—and most importantly, how to go about addressing it.

What Is Failure to Launch Syndrome?

A 23-year-old college grad who still lives at home. A 19-year-old who realized college wasn’t the right path, but can’t seem to figure out what the next step is, and is still living with their folks. A 25-year-old who goes from job to job, and can’t seem to find steady work…or the motivation to get off their parents' couch.

These are just some examples of young people who might be described as having failure to launch syndrome.

“I would define failure to launch syndrome as difficulty gaining and maintaining independence from one's family of origin and difficulty completing typical developmental tasks,” says Alyssa Frers, LPC, a licensed professional counselor in Texas.

What age does this typically affect? “Young adults aged 18-30, and their families, most often present with these concerns,” Frers says.

It's important to keep in mind that living at home for several years in your 20s can actually be normal for some people. In many cultures, in fact, this is expected. “In some cultures, failing to become independent by a certain age is not an expected developmental task, so in that case, it would not be considered maladaptive, but a usual and valued way of life to continue to live alongside the family of origin into adulthood,” Frers describes.

Data from the Pew Research Center found that the percentage of young adults who are financially independent from their parents has dropped over the past few decades. In 2018, 24% of young people aged 22 and under were financially independent from their parents. On the other hand, in 1980, 32% of young people aged 22 and under were financially independent from their parents.

Is Failure to Launch a Mental Illness?

Here’s the thing: Though many people may be described as having it, failure to launch is not an official mental illness. It is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), and is not a widely studied phenomenon. Still, it’s well recognized by many experts.

“While failure to launch is not an official diagnosis, it is a psychological phenomenon that reflects a stalling of development,” says Erika Bach, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in New York. Moreover, young people who are having trouble being financially and emotionally independent of their parents may be facing higher levels of mental health challenges than their peers, according to Dr. Bach.

“Anyone who is struggling with mental health issues, like depression, severe anxiety, OCD, or other mental health conditions might find that taking on additional responsibilities feels as though it is too much,” Dr. Bach says. As such, people struggling with mental health issues may have more trouble with the responsibilities of adulthood or making a transition out of their parents’ care.

What Is Failure to Launch Syndrome Most Associated With?

Oftentimes, young people who are struggling to become independent are thought of as spoiled or lazy and their parents are branded as indulgent. This stigma can make it even more challenging for both parents and their kids to move forward and find a path toward healthy independence from one another.

But we shouldn’t overgeneralize or point fingers when it comes to failure to launch. The reasons behind it are complicated and multi-factored, says Dr. Bach. “As with anything psychologically, it is generally not just one factor that determines a failure to launch—multiple elements come together to bring failure to launch to fruition,” she says.

What are some of those factors and associations? According to Dr. Bach, how a person was parented in the teen years might impact how able a young adult is to function independently.

“For example, parents might take care of their child's non-academic needs as a way to show love and to help the focus solely focus on school; however, they are unconsciously sending messaging that that the child can only handle one task at a time, and never gives them the opportunity to learn how to manage the many responsibilities that come with being an adult,” she explains.  

Children who grew up with anxiety and perfectionism may also have trouble “launching” as adults. The fear of failure may hold them back. This may be especially true if they are allowed to avoid situations where they might experience failure. “Children who learn to procrastinate and avoid difficult tasks due to anxiety, perfectionism, or lack of self-confidence may find it easier to avoid launching,” Dr. Bach says.

Over-parenting and a lack of necessary life skills may also be contributing factors, Frers says. But again, she says that trying to boil it down to one of these things isn’t the best approach.

“It is important to take an individualized, culturally-sensitive, and holistic approach when working with a young adult experiencing difficulty launching, in order to best address the issues at hand.”

Recognizing the Signs

Failure to launch looks different from one person to another. According to Frers, some signs that a young person is experiencing it include:

• An inability to reach developmental milestones at the same rate as a their peers, such as learning to drive or moving toward personal, educational, or career goals
• Difficulty planning or considering the logistics of financial independence
• Lack of motivation in exploring personal interests
• Over-dependence on parents
• Generally struggling with adults responsibilities

“Parents often recognize that their child has failed to launch by the time it reaches distressing levels that interfere with functioning, like young adults still living at home and struggling to contribute to the household in their late 20's,” Dr. Bach says. “Noticing signs at younger ages is the best way to intervene so that these patterns do not continue into later life.”

Some signs that a child or teen may be predisposed to failure to launch may include low self-esteem, avoidance of difficult tasks, and higher than typical levels of dependence on parents. Dr. Back says.

Understanding the Impact on Individuals and Families

The impacts that failure to launch have on both individuals and families can’t be overstated. In a nutshell, it can be super challenging, complicated, and downright frustrating for all involved.

Individuals

Individuals affected by failure to launch are likely to experience a mix of feelings, many of them uncomfortable. It may be difficult to talk about how you are feeling, and shame and embarrassment are common. “For the individual who experiences failure to launch, they are likely to feel shame surrounding not having met certain milestones expected of them,” Dr. Bach describes.

Additionally, individuals may feel unhappy about the burdens placed on them. They may become “frustrated or anxious about their family's or community's expectations,” Frers says.

Families

The impacts of failure to launch also strongly impact the individual’s parents and family. “Families may become concerned or frustrated with an individual's lack of progress towards developmentally expected goals,” Frers explains. Family members also may have challenges maintaining boundaries with their child, and may face difficulties navigating a new “adult to adult” relationship between parent and child, Frers says.

Resentfulness is also often common on the part of parents. “Families often feel frustrated and resentful of the individual for not changing and for consuming further resources (both time and money), as well as feel stuck and helpless, not knowing what they can do to change the dynamic,” Dr. Bach notes.

How Do You 'Fix' Failure to Launch Syndrome?

Okay, if you or child are dealing with failure to launch, you want to know: How to get out of this? We get it. It can feel like an insurmountable problem to tackle. But there’s hope.

Therapy

Therapy is one of the most effective ways to manage failure to launch. “Counseling can help address the challenges around failure to launch syndrome, whether it is individual counseling for the person who is expected to launch, or family therapy to help moderate family dynamics during the transitional period,” says Frers.

Individual therapy is a great place to start for anyone struggling with failure to launch. Think of therapy as “a safe place to unpack how you got to be here in a curious and nonjudgmental way,” Dr. Bach describes. Therapy can help you better understand the situation you are in, learn to accept yourself, and figure out healthy ways to move forward and become more independent.

“The key is to take small, actionable steps that are feasible so as to improve feelings of agency and competence,” Dr. Bach recommends.

Tips for Parents

If you are a parent, you probably feel like you are walking a bit of a tightrope while dealing with your failure to launch kid. You want to set boundaries and encourage independence, but also keep the relationship loving and warm.

Frers offered the following tips for parents dealing with this challenge:

• Set clear boundaries and rules
• Clearly communicate your expectations for your child
• Set clear timeframes if offering physical or financial support; for example, you will provide financial support of X amount, and for Y amount of time
• Provide help, but don’t enable
• Only provide help if you won’t resent it
• Seek counseling when needed, both for yourself and your child
  

Takeaway

If you or your family is dealing with a case of “failure to launch” you are probably feeling frustrated, embarrassed, and alone. We know how challenging this experience can be. But you are not alone. So many young adults and their families are going through this same exact thing. Just acknowledging what is going on is such a positive first step!

The main thing to keep in mind is that there are things you can do to move forward. It’s all about communicating your needs, your boundaries—and seeking therapy and counseling when needed.