Let's cut the shit. When Cosmopolitan assigned me to test out their most infamous sex tip — to put a doughnut on my boyfriend's dick and then write about it — I wanted to cry and throw up on my boss and then quit and cry and throw up forever at home. Pastry and pubic hair? I'm throwing up.
But then I thought about it. This has got to be Cosmo's wackiest, craziest, most batshit battiest sex tip, right? It takes home the gold medal in the insane sex tips Olympics and it doesn't even try. The other sex tips are out there working on their triple salchows and this motherfucker just wanders in off the street and completes a five rotation axel like it's nothing. I mean, what SICK SICK brain thought to put a doughnut on a ding dong? The SICK SICK brain of a sexual genius, that's who. Because putting a doughnut on your boyfriend's dick is suuuuper fun.
First, I had to beg my boyfriend to do this. He was like, "What if I get a yeast infection!?" and then I was all, "Dude, you're getting a blow job. Shut up." And then I Googled the thing about yeast infections and it turns out it can be a thing for uncircumcised dudes so, uh, just be careful about creating a Krispy Kreme outlet in his boxer briefs.
And before you're all OMG EW, just calm down. Sex is fun! This was my mantra as I prepared for the Cosmo challenge. This is great! I love to trying new things! And I love doughnuts! Win/win. If the last sentence is surprising to you, it's probably because you've never lovingly stuck a doughnut on your partner's penis. Believe me, before I saw this sex tip, I'd never even considered it. It does make perfect sense, though. That hole. All that glaze.
I was ready to give my first high-calorie blow job.
The Sex Tip: Slip a glazed doughnut around his penis and nibble it off.
The Doughnut: I chose a doughnut place I've never been — and will never go again — to buy the pastry in question. I am certain everyone knew what I was doing when I chose to buy three doughnuts in sunglasses and a headscarf. I picked a vegan and gluten-free doughnut so don't say I don't care about your sexual health! The below is a picture of what the doughnut looked like after the blow job was done. My boyfriend is a gay unicorn. JKJKJK, I ate this one because no way was I fucking that beautiful thing up by putting it on a dick. It was delicious.
Then, I went down a few models to your standard raised doughnut. Delicious, but not so delicious that I couldn't resist it. If I was going to use a doughnut for this, I wasn't going sprinkles and chocolate. I was going for the utilitarian model. If it didn't work, at least I wouldn't lose a good doughnut in the process. (Best doughnut: French.) This is the donut I ended up using:
The Location: My bed. I'm already eating a doughnut off someone's dong, I don't need any added intrigue.
The Music: Marvin Gaye. Seriously. I strutted in the room in sweat pants and twirled the doughnut around my finger. The entire world was turned on.
The Mood: Drooling over doughnut. Then laughing. We lit a doughnut-scented Yankee candle to heighten the drama.
The Act: We made out until his penis was ready to receive the doughnut sacrifice. Then, because the hole was pretty small and my man's penis is SO SO BIG JUST GIANT OMG, I was able to slip it just over the tip. He just pushed the thing down and it miraculously didn't break. I recommend a hearty doughnut. From then on, it was basically a regular blowie with a doughnut in the way. What more is there to say? We laughed and laughed, and I started to wish I still had the doughnut with the whipped cream in it because that actually would have been pretty fun. Tasty lube! The glaze, however, was decently helpful in making an ordinary blow job that much more bearable wonderful and loving. And I can report that, thanks to some careful manscaping, I avoided the preconceived pube problem altogether.
After it was over, my boyfriend went back to his Stephen King novela, but I knew nothing he could read would ever be more magical than what had just happened.
Because here's the thing. Sex is AMAZING and almost always really good, especially if you're with someone you love who knows how to werk it, but sometimes you just want to spice shit up. And the spice in this particular instance comes in the form of a sexual doughnut. So sue me! And when you do, send a sexy police officer to take me to doughnut jail.
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