Treehouse of Horror IX                    Written by Donick "I Still Know What
                                                    You Did Last Summer" Cary,
                                                   The Bride of Liechtenstein,
                                                           and David S. Coffin
                                               Directed by Steven "Demon" More
==============================================================================
Production code: AABF01                   Original Airdate on FOX: 25-Oct-1998
Capsule revision D (28-Feb-2002)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   (Canadian) Homer gets wigged out when his new toupee is possessed by its
   previous owner -- an executed prisoner; Bart and Lisa are magically
   transported into the television and become the target of psychotic Itchy
   and Scratchy; Marge and Homer do some trash talking on "Jerry Springer".
   {hl}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     Bart paints "Treehouse of Horror IX" on the blackboard with a
                blood-soaked brush.  He keeps his blood refills in a plastic
                jack-o-lantern bucket normally reserved for Halloween treats.

Couch:          [Discussed within Quote and Scene Summary]

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================

Brad Bizzolt:
   ... Kang & Kodos appear to remember their Emily Post (tentacles extended!)?

Ben Collins:
   ... Moe's Tavern has a few sparse Halloween decorations?
   ... Homer keeps plutonium at home?
   ... Marge considers hanging laundry outdoors "having a great time"?

Anthony Dean:
   ... Lisa and Bart would rather stay home and watch Itchy and Scratchy than
       go trick-or-treating (as opposed to their reactions in THoH II & III)?
   ... apparently, the Simpsons' remote control is probably the VCR's remote
       (given the remote's VCR button controls and that their TV set has
       rotary dial tuners)?
   ... Maggie doesn't fall?

Don Del Grande:
   ... the barber pole did not have blue stripes?
   ... Ed McMahon said Snake was "making his first appearance" on the
       execution show?  (Did they get a lot of last-minute stays?)
   ... Homer's new hair looks a lot like his old hair, at least when it
       doesn't turn into Snake's hairstyle?
   ... Moe's heart isn't very big?
   ... Maggie looks like Lisa, despite Lisa getting her looks from Homer's
       side of the family (based on past episodes) and Maggie not being
       related to Homer?
   ... when Homer gets his appetite back, he eats Lisa's breakfast?
   ... this is the first episode with a "Special Guest" (as opposed to
       "Special Guest Voice") credit (Kathie Lee Gifford and Regis Philbin
       each received one)?
   ... the Gracie Films logo had "normal" music, not organ music played in a
       minor key with a scream, as in past Halloween specials?  [This was true
       for the first airing, but not following ones.  See "Comments" for more
       -- Ed.]

Yuri Dieujuste:
   ... Snake was actually going to pay for something in the Kwik-e-Mart?
   ... Moe was not wearing his trademark apron, but a vest?
   ... OFF's remote has a SAP button?

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... Wiggum calls Bart "Barty"?
   ... Dr. Nick drinks Buzz Cola?
   ... contrary to popular belief, Homer *does* have a brain?
   ... the line "chickie-pie" is used twice?
   ... the "no smoking" sign and Laramie ads are seen again in the press
       conference?
   ... Scratchy needed to be neutered, implying that Snowball II is a female?
   ... Maggie's toy block has an "A" on each side?
   ... Marge is sewing a new multi-legged baby suit for Maggie?
   ... Maggie is clinging to the lampshade?
   ... Kodos is Maggie's aunt?
   ... Kang took off his space helmet for the insemination process?

Andrew Gill:
   ... Marge wanted to punish someone (not necessarily the murderer) for
       killing two people?

Alan Hamilton:
   ... Itchy looks at his watch while in the exercise wheel?  Is he checking
       his pulse?

Darrel Jones:
   ... the Kwik-E-Mart now sells nachos?
   ... Snake stores cigarettes in that sleeve bulge?
   ... the cloud background when Bart and Lisa are flying in the air is the
       same as the one used in the couch gag of 3F23 and 3F24?
   ... this is the first time since "Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace" from the
       sixth special that Maggie plays an important role on an episode?
   ... this is the first time Kang and Kodos go to the Simpson house?
   ... Bart knows who Ken Starr is?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the Jack o' lantern in Moe's window?
   ... Krusty missed the meaning of the smoke bit?  (the person runs in when
       the smoke is shown.)

Haynes Lee:
   ... the "BC Donuts" sign in Apu's store?
   ... the Great White Hunter and Nuke videogames in Apu's store?
   ... Springfield on East Coast of Texas?  (where the ya allow
       electrocutions)  [See "Comments" section for more debate on this]
   ... Kodos and Kang's spaceship is past Saturn, probably near Uranus?

Chad Lehman:
   ... crowd members "hissing" at Snake?
   ... the piranhas sound like a swarm of bees?
   ... the bouncer half-heartedly pulls Kang's tentacle to restrain him?
   ... Springer goes limp, or "dies" after only two punches from Kang?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... how blase Kent Brockman appears as he reports all the sudden death in
       Springfield?
   ... the background seems endless as Bart and Lisa flee from the knives and
       axes?
   ... the silly shadowing when Bart and Lisa jump into the police car?
   ... how much Maggie slobbers like Kang and Kodos when Marge opens her
       mouth?
   ... Marge finds an alley more respectable than a friend's wedding?
   ... Kang, Marge and Homer all actually look disappointed in themselves
       during Jerry's final thought?

Patrick McGovern:
   ... Robert Englund actually did the opening voice (I think)?
   ... Krusty reads in this ep?

Tyler McHenry:
   ... the alcove containing the shrine to Ganesha is no longer there?
   ... Moe eats breakfast in his bar?
   ... it took Bart an awfully long time to recognize snake's voice?
   ... Kang said "Hyperbolic Paraboloid" between bleeps?
   ... the line about Ken Star was obviously added after animation?
   ... Maggie says "I need blood" right as the credits come on?

Brian Rawson-Ketchum:
   ... Moe addresses Apu as 'Pu?
   ... Ed McMahon joins the list of celebrities who were once parodied and
       later appeared as themselves?
   ... six different people have now voiced Maggie during the show's run?
       [See "Comments" section for more]

Tom Rinschler:
   ... Bart was painting from a jack-o'lantern in the during the blackboard
       gag?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Lisa's wearing a bike helmet as she enters the garage?  (I could swear
       that in at least some versions of the opening credits she isn't wearing
       one.)
   ... Homer doesn't immediately move to zip his fly?
   ... there really is a breakfast cereal (Penicill-O's) for syphilis
       patients?
   ... while the kids are flying above the bear traps, Lisa makes the
       appropriately cartoon-y sound effects when she taps Bart?
   ... the Camaro offered as one of the "spawning grounds" was a late second-
       generation (1970 - 1981) model?
   ... Maggie abandons her pacifier at least once in each short?

Samuel Sklaroff:
   ... this episode has the first ever THOH blackboard gag?
   ... the "Penicill-O's" box at Moe's?  ["There really is a breakfast cereal
       (Penicill-O's) for syphilis patients," says {bjr}]
   ... all three of the characters killed in the "Hell Toupee" segment are
       voiced by Hank Azaria?
   ... Maggie even wears a dagger in her pirate costume?

Hari Wierny:
   ... Apu's car in the Kwik-E-Mart parking lot?
   ... Homer conveniently has the exact same T-shirt as Snake of his own?
   ... the El Barto graffiti outside the Kwik-E-Mart?
   ... Homer's infamous two hair strands disappear when he pulls of Snake's
       hair?
   ... the cops believe Homer's story -- about the hair killing Moe -- so
       easily?
   ... when Maggie chooses Snake's hair as her new teddy-type-thing, her
       clothes are white instead of her usual blue?
   ... Homer switches back to the Itchy and Scratchy Show, despite the fact he
       thought it was boring just moments earlier?
   ... in "Starship Poopers," Maggie's name is "Stinky"?
   ... Homer is sat on the cushion NEXT TO his ass groove on the couch?
   ... the device that picks up Maggie's signal is shaped like a pacifier?
   ... Steve, that bald guy, on the Jerry Springer Show?  [nice attention to
       detail -- hw]
   ... Kodos has the same teddy bear as Maggie had in her crib, only white
       instead of brown?
   ... the XXX sign above the door in the recreated porno theatre?
   ... Kodos' wrist watch doesn't tell the time?  (human style, anyway)
   ... Jerry Springer has grey hair?  (note: on the "Too Hot For TV" UK video
       cassette's promotional poster, Jerry Springer's hair is yellow.  Also
       note this episode is on the video cassette.)

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - ? (Homer, Barney, Krusty, Itchy, Poochie, Kodos)
   - Ghouly Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy "Killer Actor" Cartwright (Bart)
   - The Canker (Lisa)
   - Yank My Area (Snake, Apu, Moe, Chief Wiggum, Dr. Nick Riviera, Lou)
   - Harry (Dead Till 2005) Shearer (Jason Voorhees, Announcer, Brockman,
        Scratchy, Dr. Hibbert, Kang, Maggie (!), "Dracula Got His Groove"
        announcer)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger)
   - Ed McMahon (Himself)
   - Jerry Springer (Himself)

- Special Guest
   - Regis Philbin (Himself)
   - Kathie Lee Gifford (Herself)

- Also Starring
   - Tress MacNihlist (Lady in audience)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Friday the 13th"  (movie)
      - Jason, the bad guy from this film, sits on the couch

   + "A Nightmare on Elm Street"  (movie)
      - Freddy, the bad guy from this film, sits on the couch
      - Homer being thrown around the walls and ceiling  {hw}

   + "Futurama" (TV series)
      - Dave "Watch Futurama" Cohen plugs his (then) new series

   + "The Fugitive"  (television series and movie)  {bjr}
      - Ron "The One-Headed Man" Hauge a take-off on the infamous one-armed
        man
      - (Kind of a dangerous nickname, by the way, since I initially misread
        it as, "The One-HANDED Man.")

   + "I Know What You Did Last Summer"  (movie)  {jk}

   + "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer"  (movie)  {bjr}
      - Donick Cary got tagged with both of these, one for each of his
        appearances in the credits

   + "I Married an Axe Murderer"  (movie)  {bjr}
      - Brian "I Dated an Axe Murderer" Scully

   + "Bride of Chuckie"  (movie)  {bjr}
      - Julie "Bride of Mikey" Thacker
      - [It turns out that Julie Thacker and Mike Scully are married to one
        another in real life -- Ed.]

   + "Re-Animator" (movie)  {lh}

   - "Herbert West - Reanimator" by H. P. Lovecraft (jt)
      - Jim "Re-Animator" Reardon

   + "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"  (folk song)  {dj}
      - My Bonnie lies over a dead guy

   + "The Raven" (movie)  {bjr}
      - "The Raven" Sirkot

   + "The Bride of Frankenstein"  (movie)  {bjr}
      - "The Bride of Liechtenstein"
      - (Liechtenstein is a tiny country near Switzerland)

   + Bela Lugosi (horror film actor)
      - Lolee "Bugosi" Aries

   + "Manimal"  (TV series}  {bjr}
      - "Selmanimal" a spoof on title of short-lived NBC series

   + "Saturday Night Live"  (TV series)  {bjr}
      - one person is Domi "Junk in the Trunk" Bro.  "Junk in the trunk" is a
        signature line from a recurring "Saturday Night Live" sketch about two
        cheerleader wannabes

   + "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"  (movie)  {bjr}
      - Richard "Texas Chainsaw" Chung

   + "Psycho" (movie)  {bjr}
      - Norman "Bates" MacLeod

   + "Wes Craven's Shocker"  (movie)
      - horror movie where a convict takes revenge after being electrocuted
        {hl}
      - there's also a scene in which characters are zapped into a television
        {tr}

   + "Amazing Stories"  {ds}
      - hairpiece assumes power of mind control, commands victims to kill

   - "Body Parts" (movie)  {ah}
      - man turns serial killer after receiving killer's arm in a transplant.
        ["It was the only time I saw a movie's trailer get booed," says {ah}]

   - "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday"  {hw}
      - plot similarity, e.g. body organ taking over bodies and murdering
        people

   - "Miami Vice"  {hw}
      - the music when Chief Wiggum enters the Kwik-E-Mart

   + California's three strikes law  {hl}
      - a person can be imprisoned indefinitely for minor offenses such as
        stealing a slice of pizza (it's happened)

   + Fox disaster specials  {tr}
      - "When Skirts Fall Off" and "World's Deadliest Executions" are parody
        Fox's "When [disaster happens]" and "World's Deadliest [whatever]"
        shows
      - [{hl} reports, "while executions on television have been discussed in
        the U.S., one has been aired in Italy"]

   + "Secrets of Magic Revealed"  (TV specials)  {tr}
      - "Secrets of National Security Revealed" spoofs Fox's =other= series of
        expose specials

   + "The Tonight Show"  (TV series)  {tr}
      - Ed McMahon mimics his famous "Heeeeeere's Johnny" with "Heeeere's
        Snake"

   - Mickey Mantle  (baseball player)  {hl}
      - gets a liver transplant despite of decades of abusing alcohol

   - James Dean  (actor)  {bb}
      - Homer puts a pack of cigarettes in his shirt sleeve a la this actor

   ~ "Jaws" (movie)  {hw}
      - the camera work when Apu is being murdered

   - "Pewee Herman Show"  (TV series)  {tr}
      - Snake/Homer uses Herman's signature "I know you are, but what am I"
        line
      - [Paul Tomko notes this line probably goes back further than the
        series]

   + Cheerios  (breakfast cereal)  {tr}
      - Moe eats "Penicill-os"

   + "The Shining" (movie -- Kubrick version)  {hw}
      - Homer knocks a hole in the door with the mallet, like Jack Nicholson
        with the axe

   - "The Shining" (movie -- ABC version)  {bjr}
      - scene where Homer goes after Bart with a sledgehammer similar to the
        one where Tim Daly's character chases his family with a croquet mallet

   + "Peanuts"  (comic strip)
      - Maggie holds the toupee the same way Linus carries his security
        blanket

   + M. C. Hammer  (rap singer)  {ddg}
      - "It's Hammer Time" a tagline from this briefly famous rap artist

   + "Terror of Tiny Town"  (movie)
      - the second segment's title, "Terror of Tiny Toon" parodies this

   + "Purple Rose of Cairo" (movie)  {hl}
      - life on other side of movie screen

   - "Pleasantville"  (movie) [playing at the time this episode aired]  {hl}
      - life on other side of television screen

   - "Amazon Women On the Moon" (movie)  {tr}
      - in one of its many vignettes, a person is zapped into his TV, and goes
        from channel to channel as his wife tries to get him out (he wants to
        stay in the adult channel)

   - "Stay Tuned" (movie)  {jk}
      - using a remote control to enter the TV world and heading to different
        locations

   - "Twilight Zone" (movie)  {ps}
      - a girl gets sucked into a very violent cartoon
      - [Duane Bigoni notes the girl, Ethel, was played by Nancy Cartwright --
        Ed.]

   + "Candle in the Wind"  (song)  {hl}
      - the title of the Itchy & Scratchy cartoon, "Candle in the Wound,"
        plays on title of this Elton John song

   + "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" (TV series)  {tr}
      - Bart, Lisa, Itchy, and Scratchy pay a visit to this show

   - "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"  (movie)  {dj}
      - the sharp objects thrown at Bart and Lisa similar to scene from this
        movie

   - "To Protect and to Serve"  (motto of LA Police Department)  {ddg}
      - modified by Itchy & Scratchy to "To Protect and Sever"
      - [Other police departments may also have use that motto -- Ed.]

   - "Starship Trooper"  (song)  {bjr}
      - this was the title of a classic Yes song ...

   + "Starship Troopers"  (movie)
      - ... most people will think of this movie, though, when they hear the
        title "Starship Pooper"
      - the Starship Poopers logo similar to movie's logo  {dj}

   - "Soap"  (TV series)  {hl}
      - alien plot of alien being real father

   - "X-Files"  (TV series)  {hl}
      - Aliens fathering babies

   - "My Stepmother Is An Alien"  (movie)  {hl}
      - more fun with alien relatives

   + The Three Stooges  (comedy team)  {bjr}
      - Kodos' reaction to the news about Kang's daughter is very Stooge-esque

   ~ "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"  {je}
      - Referring to Earth as an obscure, T-shirt producing planet is very
        reminiscent of this series of novels (And its spin-offs into other
        media, of course)

   + "The Addams Family"  {je}
      - Morticia sews a tentacle-ready baby suit at the very end, just as
        Marge does

   + "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"  (book and movie)
      - "How Dracula Got His Groove Back" parodies the title

   - "Star Trek"  (TV phenomenon)  {jj}
      - Rigel 7, a planet in the "Trek" universe, is mentioned

   + "Lost in Space"  (TV series)  {ad}
      - "Warning!  Prepare to be abducted!" spoken in a similar tone as the
        robot in the Lost in Space series

   + "Get a Life!"  (TV series)  {pr}
      - aliens lasso Chris Peterson the way the lassoed Marge in this episode

   - "Mars Attacks"  (movie)  {hl}
      - aliens zapping entire audience

   ~ "Ernie"  (comic strip)  {ss}
      - Once, in this comic strip, an alien character went on "Jerry Springer"
        and vaporized the entire audience and Jerry

   + "The Jerry Springer Show"  (TV series)  {tr}
      - Simpsons and co. appear on this talk show

   - "The Geraldo Rivera show"  (TV series)  {dj}
      - guests on a talk show attacking with chairs

   + "Aliens"  (movie)  {hl}
      - Maggie attaching herself to Springer's face
      - [I'd say this could also apply to Snake's hair and Bart's face -- Ed.]

   + Ken Starr report  {hl}
      - Bart reminds aliens to zap ken Starr

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- "The Simpsons & Electric Chairs" version 1.0  {je}
   - [7G04] The family is strapped into a set of electric chairs via Dr.
            Marvin Monroe
   - [8F03] Bart has a nightmare in which he is executed for Skinner's murder
   - [9F06] Laura leads Larry the Looter to a shocking death when the "change
            of venue" button takes him to Texas
   - [2F04] "Yeah, and then you'll get the chair ..."
   - [2F20] Smithers remarks that shooting Jasper is worse than shooting Mr.
            Burns; Krusty says something to the effect of "About 50,000 volts
            worse, if you know what I mean!"  {tn}
   - [2F21] Hans is taken to execution in Springfield Prison, even though
            Homer ate his last meal
   - [4F07] The hurricane lifts a convict away right before execution.
            Luckily, he meets his doom with a set of soaked telephone wires
            instead
   - [5F02] In the couch gag, OFF are strapped and zapped in an instant
   - [5F13] Bart and Ralph reactivate an abandoned chair, where Mayor Quimby
            unwittingly sits

- [7G02] Homer's childish scrawl of a writing style  {dj}
- [7G04] When Snake is killed, the "shock" looks like what happened to the
         Simpsons at Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Clinic.  {ddg}
- [7F01] A rod of uranium is misused  {je}
- [7F02] Homer gets hair  {hw}
- [7F02] Homer gets new hair  (hl}
- [7F02], [8F24] Homer grows new hair  {je}
- [7F02] Homer looks sexy after getting hair  {ol}
- [7F04] Marge abducted by Kang and Kodos  {dj}
- [7F05] Homer leaves his fly open  {je}
- [7F06] the skateboard lands on Poochie's head  {hw}
- [7F09] Maggie beats up Homer  {ad}
- [7F09] Maggie is scolded for being a "bad baby"  {ad}
- [7F09] Marge forbids her children from watching violent cartoons  {je}
- [7F24] live action on OFF's television set  [This was in a short clip prior
         to the episode, if I recall -- Ed.]  {hw}
- [8F02] Maggie goes trick or treating  {ad}
- [8F02], [9F04] Maggie in a Halloween costume  {ad}
- [8F18] Maggie sucks her thumb  {ddg}
- [8F19] Maggie cutting a tooth  {ddg}
- [9F03] the kids not being allowed to watch Itchy & Scratchy  {hw}
- [9F04] A skit ends on a "lovey" note  {ol}
- [9F06], [9F13] A heart is ripped out  {je}
- [9F08] "Hiooooo!"  {brk}
- [9F13], [5F07] Obscenities bleeped  {je}
- [9F19] Luke Perry says, "My face, my beautiful face."  {hl}
- [9F22] Bart is hunted by an axe murderer  {je}
- [1F01] Maggie gets attached to a moldy teddy bear  (hl}
- [1F04] The dreaded Rear Admiral mentioned  (See the credits for John "Triple
         Admiral" Swartzwelder)  {bjr}
- [1F05] Someone gets "bleeped"  {tn}
- [1F09], [1F11] M.C. Hammer reference  {je}
- [2F01] Lisa the Narrator  {je}
- [2F03] Maggie speaks with a deep-sounding voice  {ad}
- [2F04] Maggie speaks with a gothic voice in a Treehouse of Horror  {ol}
- [2F04] Homer tries to kill someone with an axe  {ol}
- [2F06], [2F22] "I know you are, but what am I?"  {je}
- [2F18] a Simpsons pet in love  {hw}
- [2F20] Homer is wanted for murder  {je}
- [2F21], [3F07] "Squeal hole" similar to "car hole" and "word hole"  {je}
- [3F04], [3F24] Live footage is used  {ss}
- [3F04] A deceased person vows revenge upon the citizenry  {ol}
- [3F04] Homer transferred to 3D  (hl}
- [3F04], [4F05] "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?"  {je}
- [3F05] Homer reads abbreviations literally [or as {je} puts it,
         "fonettiklee"]  {bc}
- [4F02] Aliens attack politicians  {am}
- [4F02] Dr. Hibbert punches someone in the face  {am}
- [4F02] A Simpson is individually abducted by Kang and Kodos in the middle of
         the night  {ol}
- [4F06] the girls accompanying Snake and Wiggum look a lot like the Maison
         Derriere dancers [Maybe they sponsor the show? -- Ed.]
- [4F12] Poochie appears, despite being dead and contractually barred from the
         I&S show
- [4F17] A "Dracula" movie parody on TV  {dj}
- [4F24], [5F22] Fox's reality specials slammed  {bjr}
- [5F10] Krusty slicks his hair back  {je}
- [5F13] Wiggum switches on the electric chair  {hw}
- [5F23] Barney thinks liver was trying to get away on him  (hl}
- [MG10] someone plays "This Little Piggy" with Maggie  {ddg}
- [MG38], [7F09] One of Bart and Lisa's parents forbid them to watch Itchy &
         Scratchy because it's too violent.  {ol}
- [Itchy and Scratchy Comics #3], [Simpsons Comics #5], [Bartman #3] Itchy
         and Scratchy enter the Simpsons' world via the TV  {ad}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Special Halloween credits  {ddg}

    This includes all credits, including the occasional "normal" one,
    except for those between "Re-Recording Mixers" and "Creative
    Consultant" in the end credits, which were all normal.

    The first two credits were in the opening; the next credits
    through "Directed by" were at the beginning of "Hell Toupee"
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Created by RAT GROENING
    Developed by VEINS HELL BROOKS, MATT GROIN INJURY, SAM "SAYONARA"
                 SIMON

    Executive Producer DAVID "WATCH FUTURAMA" Cohen
    Co-Executive Producer GEORGE MEYER
    Co-Executioner IAN MAXTONE-GRAHAM
    Co-Executive Producer AL "I MURDERED MIKE REISS" JEAN
    Supervising Producer DANIEL "DAN" GREANEY
    Supervising Producer RON "THE ONE-HEADED MAN" HAGUE
    Supervising Producer DONICK "I KNOW WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER" CARY
    Producer BRIAN "I'M DATING AN AXE-MURDERER" SCULLY
    Producer JULIE "BRIDE OF MIKEY" THACKER
    Co-Producer MORTIFIED TONY MARTIN
    Co-Producer OMINOUS CAROLINE OMINE
    Consulting Producer JAUNDICED JACE RICHDALE
    Consulting Producer FEROCIOUS FRANK MULA
    Consulting Producer DAVID "BURNING" STERN
    Consulting Producers TOM G-G-G-GAMMILL, AXE PROSS
    Consulting Producer DECADENT DAVID MIRKIN
    Consultant TRIPLE ADMIRAL JOHN SWARTZWELDER
    Supervising Director JIM "RE-ANIMATOR" REARDON
    Produced by COLIN "I'M DEAD" LEWIS
    Produced by J. MISSING MENDEL, MY BONNIE LIES OVER A DEAD GUY
    Produced by HEINOUS RICHARD RAYNIS
    Produced by RICHARD WRESTLING WITH REALITY SAKAI, "THE RAVEN"
                SIRKOT
    Written by DONICK "I STILL KNOW WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER" CARY,
               THE BRIDE OF LIECHTENSTEIN, DAVID S. COFFIN
    Directed by STEVEN "DEMON" MOORE
    
    Executive Producer MIKE "INSERT SCARY NAME" SCULLY
    Executive Producer VEINS HELL BROOKS, BRAT GROENING, SAM
                       "SAYONARA" SIMON
    Starring ?
             GHOULIE KAVNER
             NANCY "KILLER ACTOR" CARTWRIGHT
             THE CANKER
             YANK MY AREA
         and HARRY (DEAD TIL 2005) SHEARER
    Special Guest Voice ROBERT ENGLUND
    Special Guest KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
    Special Guest Voice ED MCMAHON
    Special Guest REGIS PHILBIN
    Special Guest Voice JERRY SPRINGER
    Also Starring TRESS MACNIHILIST
    Animation Producer mike@wolfman.den
    Animation Executive Producers LOLEE "BUGOSI" ARIES, KING GHOUL
    Executive Consultant "WRETCHED" RICH MOORE
    Executive Story Editor DR. DOYLE & MR. LARRY
    Executive Story Editor SELMANIMAL
    Executive Story Editor TIM "MILDLY UNNERVING" LONG
    Associate Producer DOMI "JUNK IN THE TRUNK" BRO
    Theme by DANNY "HELL"FMAN
    Music Decomposed by SHEER TERROR CLAWS-SON
    Casting by BONITA THE VEGETARIAN BUTCHER
    Editors BRANDON SHELDON BRIDGE, DIABLO DON BAROZZO
    Animation Co-Producer JOEL "JUMP SHIP" KUWAHARA
    Post-Production Coordinators. DR.EVIL, RICHARD "TEXAS CHAINSAW"
                                  CHUNG
    Dialogue Sound Editors BOBBY "THE SCARY MONK" MACKSTON,
                           TERRY RODHAM GREENE, NORMAN "BATES" MACLEOD
    Tune Tanglers ME CRIED SLASH, BLOB CREATURE
    Sound Effects Editor SIVART F. SREWOP
    Re-Recording Mixers RUSTY "BLADE" SMITH, BILL FRANKENFREESH
    Creative Consultant BAT GROENING
    Executive Creative Consultant VEINS HELL BROOKS

- Comb display on Apu's counter  {bjr}

    GENUINE HAIR
       COMBS

    (Don't confuse these for phony hair combs.  Or are they combs for
     genuine hair?)

- The signs in the Kwik-E-Mart  {hw}

    +-----------------------------------------+
    |                                         |
    |   SMOKE                   Laramie 100's |
    | [box of Laramies]                       |
    |     Laramie                             |
    |   cigarettes        NO                  |
    |                   SMOKING               |
    | Laramie                      Laramie    |
    | [woman on beach              [cowboy]   |
    |  smoking Laramie]           Ultra-Tar   |
    |  SLIMS                        Kings     |
    +-----------------------------------------+

- Recognizable people at Snake's execution  {je}
   - Captain McAllister, Ms. Hoover, Barney, Kirk Van Houten, Lenny, Otto,
     Carl, Ruth Powers, Dr. Hibbert [?] {hw}, Superintendent Chalmers,
     Principal Skinner [? - his hair is jet black]  {hw}

- Dr. Nick's door  {je}

    DR. NICK RIVIERA

         MEMBER:
       BACK ALLEY
      MEDICAL GROUP.

.he Bart's Eggs:  {hw}
.pr
    LISa        DAD
    SKinner     DaD
    FLANDeRs    Dad

- Homer's toolbox  {je}

                                      L  E  B
    H   O                    T  U              O  X
             M   E   R '  S

- Things Itchy & Scratchy shot out of their cannon  {je}
   - Inanimate carbon rod, Four knives, Axe, Two arrows, Rocket, Bomb,
     Chattering teeth, Stick of dynamite, Gun .

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
*  Electrocution ruins the organs for transplant.  A hanging, guillotine or
   firing squad would have been better.  {hl}

*  Electrocution victims must have their heads shaved before they go to the
   electric chair.  {jk}

*  Snake would have been paralyzed instantly in the electrocution.  I've read
   that as soon as the electricity passes into the inmates body, he loses all
   feeling and cannot move.  {hw}

*  Your heart is in the center of your chest, not on the left side.  [David
   Brunt clarifies, "Well, to be really pedantic, it's slightly left of
   centre.  IIRC, 1/3 is directly in the centre of the chest cavity."]  {ddg}

=  The screwed up papers (one brown, one white) beside Bart's waste paper
   basket "magically" swap places.  {hw}

=  Maggie's "baggie" turned from blue to white between the time Homer entered
   Bart's room and when Marge did.  {ddg}

+  Krusty reads from cards despite the fact he's illiterate.  {hw}

*  Plutonium is only volatile at critical mass (or is that just Uranium?).
   {ag}

=  In the "Terror of Tiny Toon" segment, even before Bart fooled around with
   the remote, Lisa's dress looked too dark.  Either it was almost a muddy
   brown, or Bart's plutonium-charged remote was powerful enough to affect
   =my= television.  {bjr}

=  On various shots, Marge's dress changes shades of green drastically.  {hw}

+  That door between the kitchen and living room was never there before ...
   [{bb} notes it was there in "Lisa the Vegetarian (3F03)."]  {je}

=  And incidentally, the kitchen door is never seen until Bart shuts it, and
   it's never seen since.  {ol}

=  Homer's "tulebox" disappears after Bart gets the plutonium piece.  {ol}

*  Wouldn't the "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoon start right away after Krusty
   says it's coming up, rather than waiting until Bart and Lisa turn on the
   TV?  {jg}

*  How can an axe embed itself into the wall perpendicular to the cutting
   edge?  [{bjr} answers, "Well, hey, it was just a cartoon ..." -- Ed.]  {hl}

+  Homer suddenly is wearing his regular clothes and is clean shaven.  {ol}

*  Since when is Regis and Kathie Lee on evenings, if their show is usually on
   9:00 AM EST?  {jk}

=  screams "my eyes, my beautiful eyes!" and covers his eyes in agony when hot
   soup supposedly splashes into his eyes, but watching this scene in slow
   motion will reveal that the soup didn't go anywhere near his eyes.  {hw}

*  Television remote controls do not have a "exit" button.  A VCR may have an
   eject button but why couldn't the writers settle for the ever so low tech
   "off" button?  [Bob Beecher has an explanation for this -- see "Comments"
   section]  {hl}

=  During the close-up of the Simpsons remote, there is no "exit" button,
   but that's how Homer gets Bart and Lisa out the TV.  Could he have pressed
   "eject"?  {hw}

*  Itchy and Scratchy aren't stood near the TV after they get out during   the
   camera shot of them appearing to be large.  [Of course that'd give the joke
   away ... -- Ed]

=  Jerry Springer's voice says "ladies and Gentlemen, meet KANG," but his
   animated mouth obviously says, "KODOS"

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  You can rely on Simpsons Hallowe'en specials being strong,
   and 1998 is no exception.  "Hell Toupee": Forgettable, but hey, it's only
   one segment.  "Tiny Toon": Nice mayhem, and some good cartoonish humor.
   "Starship Poopers": A miniature masterpiece, with some brilliant social
   satire.  (A-)

Brad Bizzolt:  I hardly have any DYNs from "Starship Poopers" because I spent
   the entire time trying to avoid crying from laughing so hard.  It's a shame
   when an episode is so funny that you end up missing half of it.  Well, not
   a shame in the technical sense ... anyway, this year's THOH was probably my
   favourite of the lot so far. Everything was ridiculously far-fetched
   (something I demand from these eps), Homer was at his funniest, the opening
   scene which mimicked itself completely was truly inspired, etc.  Kang &
   Kodos weren't quite as funny as they've been in previous appearances, but
   that certainly isn't going to stop me from giving this glowing review.  (A)

Anthony Dean:  A fairly amusing outing this year, with some rather funny
   jokes, such as the dead-on parody of Jerry Springer, Krusty's "I'm going to
   suck" bit and Maggie-the-alien's antics.  Weak spots: the animation (yes, I
   know I've been harping on this for the past half-dozen episodes or so, but
   it's true; the difference between THoH VIII's and IX's animation quality in
   tonight's airing is pretty noticeable).  (B+)

Jeff Dean:  "Treehouse Of Horror IX" was well worth the wait.  Excellent plot
   lines were backed up with great writing in each of the segments.  A gaggle
   of guest voices and a brief live action segment make this one my favorite
   Simpsons Halloween special.  I never thought I'd say this again, but one of
   the best episodes ever.  (A+)

Don Del Grande:  I'll let you know when I stop laughing ... (insert long pause
   here) ... okay: A -- too bad they can't all be Halloween specials.  And
   even if they could, too bad they can't all be like this one.  Even what
   looked like a "happy" ending turned out good in the end ...  (A)

Yuri Dieujuste:  This was a well written Treehouse of Horror ep.  It is not
   the best written but it makes up for weeks of no new episodes.  Hell Toupee
   was pretty good, The Terror of Tiny Toon was below grade and overhyped,
   while Starship Pooper was the best piece of the pie.  (A)

Jordan Eisenberg:  A laugh-fest right from the start, "Treehouse of Horrors
   IX" is probably the best first impression the new production line of
   episodes could have made.  The first two acts were funny, witty,
   fast-paced, intelligent and well-plotted, while the third act was held back
   only by its reminder of the "new" Simpsons trademarks; sex, potty humor and
   bleepity-bleep-bleeeeeeeeeep-bleeping language.  Still, if only half of a
   third of the show don't fit (and I can hardly think it even qualifies as a
   disappointment nowadays [rolls his eyes] ... ), you must acquit.  A
   Simpsons Halloween show has yet to disappoint me.  (A-)

Jeremy Gallen:  IMHO, an okay episode.  I liked the Halloween-altered opening.
   A first for the Simpsons!  The first segment opened up fine, but the
   Homer-murdering-Bart-while- acting-as-Snake thing was a little squeamish
   for me, though.  I liked the next two segments.  They cracked me up!  This
   episode deserves a  (B)

Andrew Gill:  This was a good episode.  I found myself thinking at some points
   about how uncreative the writing was, but on the whole, it wasn't too bad.
   I think that I may have even laughed once (I don't usually laugh at
   *anything*, even The Simpsons).  (B)

Darrel Jones:  A great Halloween special!  Better than the last two
   disappointments.  Not as good as THOH V or THOH VI, however.  "Hell Toupee"
   could have been shortened, but the three strikes joke was great.  "The
   Terror of Tiny Toon" was best; the highlight was the fate of Itchy &
   Scratchy.  "Starship Pooper" was the best one, though.  And I loved the
   killing of politicians.  Overall, a solid  (A)

Haynes Lee:  A good THOH series but I was very disappointed that Phil
   Hartman's last rendition of Lionel Hutz was wasted.  Lastly  it looks like
   rate the scene with Regis & Kathie Lee was done at the last minute.  (B-)

Tom Rinschler:  As usual, this year's annual Halloween episode was a showpiece
   for the series.  The opening credits parody was too funny, and had me ROFL
   harder than I had for a long time.  "Hell Toupee" was OK, but nothing
   special, but "The Terror of Tiny Toon" really picked up the pace ("Lisa,
   we're characters in a cartoon!"). "  Starship Pooper" was excellent as
   well, combining good laughs with pointed satire.  (A)

Aaron Varhola:  The best THoH since IV.  One good and two excellent segments;
   the two excellent ones show a good knowledge of cartoon physics and a
   successful parody of something unparodyable: Jerry Springer.  "Hell
   Toupee": Kind of obvious at times, as Marge told Lisa, but witty and
   entertaining.  B.  "The Terror of Tiny Toon": A good knowledge of cartoon
   physics, a lot of good gags, and Poochie dying a well-deserved death.  A+.
   "Starship Pooper":  Excellent gags, good use of Maggie, and what seemed
   impossible: parody of Jerry Springer through exaggeration.  A+.  Overall:
   (A+)

Yours Truly:  Another good installment on the "Treehouse of Horror" series,
   although it was a little short of living up to the hype.  The
   alternate-world "Terror of Tiny Toon" was the best, but "Starship
   Troopers", which spoofs alien abductions and the talk shows that broadcast
   them, comes close.  "Hell Toupee" was one of the better starting segments,
   and has some unexpectedly clever jokes.  I don't feel the writers got
   everything out of three strong premises that they could have, but the show
   was a treat, anyway.  (A-)

AVERAGE GRADE:  A- (3.51)   Std Dev.: 0.6057   (23 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Meta-Reference corner

As she turns off the TV, Marge asks what kind of mother she'd be if she let
   her children watch "gruesome Halloween cartoons."  {ag}  ["I wonder if that
   prompted any quickie soul-searching."  {bjr}]

   After dropping into Itchy and Scratchy's world Lisa realizes, "We're
   characters in a cartoon."  {ddg}


>> Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Joe Klemm talks about that scary bad guy, Freddy Krueger:  Robert Englund is
   the man behind Freddy Krueger, the monster from the Nightmare on Elm Street
   films.  Indeed, he reprises his role of Freddy in the couch gag, which may
   also be a reference to the upcoming Freddy Vs. Jason film.


Brad Bizzolt chips in with:  I was about to add a line like "I bet he's happy
   to have his career back for 3 more seconds!", but I figured I better check
   my stats before making that accusation.  Boy, would my face have been red;
   Apparently, this guy -has- been busy in recent years, appearing in multiple
   horror films each year, including some bigger recent flicks like "Urban
   Legend" and "Strangeland," and indeed this forthcoming "Freddy V. Jason"
   movie.


>> Fun With the Electric Chair

Aaron Varhola:  What happened to Snake HAS happened during modern executions.
   That's why the states that still use the electric chair (Florida, Georgia,
   Virginia, Indiana and Nebraska) usually have the execution chamber well-
   vented.  Still, carelessness has caused at least two prisoners to catch on
   fire in recent years.  (See David von Drehle's book "Among the Lowest of
   the Dead" for a detailed description of Florida's capital punishment
   procedures, including the various mistakes, innocent and insane men
   executed, and the fascinating culture of Death Row.  Among the first thing
   they do is shave the prisoner's head, as has been mentioned before).
   [Interesting point to make, given the short's subject matter -- Ed.]


>> "My face!  My valuable face!"

Haynes Lee:  Matt Groening said he would never have Homer strike Bart, but
   throttle his neck instead. Homer punched Bart several times in the face.


A few people thought that scene was disturbing.  Liz McAuley addresses their
   concerns:  Somebody else posted here (in a capsule submission I think) that
   Matt Groening had stated that he would never show Homer striking Bart.  I
   meant to comment on that ...

   Homer hitting Bart in this episode doesn't disturb me, because of the
   context of the scene.  First off, this is a Halloween episode, so
   continuity is ignored.  You could argue that Matt's "rules" regarding
   Homer's behavior hold for all the regular episodes, but not for the
   Halloween ones.

   Second, and most importantly, Homer wasn't striking Bart in anger.  Now
   *that* would have disturbed me.  Homer was simplemindedly trying to attack
   the killer toupee, which unfortunately had attached itself to Bart's face.

   I can understand why that scene would upset people.  There's a big
   difference though in Homer "accidentally" punching Bart, and Homer
   purposely hitting Bart when Homer gets frustrated or mad at Bart.  The
   latter would definitely be disturbing.


>> Coming up next ... Dom DeLouise interviews himself!

Joe Klemm talks about those scary talk show hosts, Regis and Kathie Lee:
   Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford are the hosts of a daily talk show on
   syndication.  While Regis is more known for the talk show circuit, Kathie
   Lee is known for being Frank Gifford's wife, Carnival Cruise Line, and
   sweatshop made clothes.


>> No Exit

Bob Beecher explains why Lisa asked Homer to press the nonexistent "exit"
   button on the remote:  In the original script, Homer was using an on-screen
   menu and Lisa tells him to push Exit.  That would be "exit from the menu".
   The menu was never animated.  They could have recorded a cover ADR read of
   Lisa yelling "Push Eject!" but I guess no one thought of it!


>> Springfield eludes us once more

C. Armour-Kidson saw something surprising:  During the latest Halloween
   special, I noticed that when Maggie communicates with Kang, the concentric
   circles, representative of the source of a broadcast transmission, appear
   to emanate from Louisiana.


Jordan Eisenberg rebuts:  According to the spot on the globe from which Maggie
   was transmitting signals to Kang and Kodos, Springfield is in the area of
   the country just above the Gulf of Mexico, possibly in Mississippi or
   Alabama.  [Or maybe Louisiana -- Ed.]

   There are probably a few people jumping for joy and kissing their VCRs
   right now, claiming to have found Springfield.  I apologize, but I must
   burst this blasphemous bubble of bubbly brain ... blessing ... bonanza!
   The "Treehouse of Horrors" series is, by law, inconclusive of any facts,
   important or superficial pertaining to The Simpsons, its network or any of
   its affiliates.  In other words, your long searches are not finally over.


Ondre Lombard adds fuel to the "Where is Springfield" fire:  The Jerry
   Springer Show is also taped in Chicago, Illinois.  Either we can assume his
   show is a hop skip and a jump away from Springfield, or the family actually
   flew out to appear on the show.


>> "We should've have gone on 'Rosie,' instead"

Benjamin Robinson:  I'd say "Starship Troopers" was a fine spoof of talk
   shows, except that the shows aren't that much tamer in reality.  I'll
   confess that I know Jerry Springer mainly by reputation, but I've watched
   enough of these media circuses to tell you that the difference between
   Springer, Montel, and Ricki Lake is largely a matter of degree.

   For those of you who don't live where these shows are syndicated, here's a
   quick rundown.  Booking agents employed by the shows look for guests with a
   story to tell, and the stranger and/or tawdrier the better.  (Springer once
   actually had guests who believed they were from another planet, so "alien
   custody battle" wouldn't be new territory for him.)  Conflict builds
   ratings, so fights -- verbal and otherwise -- between guests are
   encouraged.  Jerry Springer's people were caught =staging= fights
   beforehand, although that didn't dent the show's appeal in the long run.
   Audience participation is also a Good Thing, so the host will take a
   microphone into the bleachers and let the audience members fire insults at
   the guests.  Finally, the host will offer some pat "resolution" for a
   veneer of respectability.  Once in a great while this is kind of
   entertaining, but after a while it's just sad.  Kang probably did the
   audience a favor when he zapped them.


Ondre Lombard:  Am I the only one who finds the sudden exposure of "The Jerry
   Springer Show" annoying?  And not just because the fact that trailer trash
   having illiterate arguments with each other is passing for entertainment
   makes me sick to my stomach, but also because Springer's show has been
   around for 8 years, since 1991, and I even remember seeing the show once or
   twice in the early 90s when it started.  In fact, "spontaneous" fights had
   been going on his show a while before this sudden mass media exposure.  The
   only reason his show has surged in popularity is because he started
   releasing a videotape called "Too Hot For TV" which would feature graphic
   material, including nudity that would often need to be censored graphically
   on the show.  Suddenly, his show started climbing in the ratings, and
   everyone became aware of him as if he just recently came out.  Although,
   still, I guess I'm more annoyed by the fact that when his show had some
   vague sense of order and did more than cover issues no civilized person can
   relate to (and it did, because that's why there ever was a need for a
   "Final Thought," as his show actually did complex issues), no one watched,
   and that a human circus is more appealing.


Benjamin Robinson again:  Talk shows of this kind aren't a recent phenomenon.
   Donahue pioneered many of the fundamentals (provocative topics, letting the
   audience ask questions) over twenty years ago, but conducted the show with
   a measure of civility.  The mass descent into bad taste is the recent
   phenomenon.  Morton Downey Jr. had a brief run as the talk show "bad boy"
   in the late Eighties, but petered out.  So did Geraldo, who is most noted
   for having a chair broken across his nose.  Jerry Springer is the latest in
   the line of TV enfants terribles, and he will probably not be the last.

   Bonus Springer trivia:  Before hitting the TV circuit, Springer was once a
   mayor.  He wasn't in charge of a little backwater, either; it was the city
   of Cincinnati (or possibly Cleveland, I forget which), Ohio.  I suppose
   after the experiencing the political arena, daytime talk shows probably
   weren't that different.


Alex Flandonwittsy adds:  Springer(while Mayor) helped save an old train
   station from destruction, and it was formed into the Cincinnati museum(I
   live in Ohio but I forgot the name ... :) ).  If it weren't for Springer
   and some fellow protesters, this cherished, legendary station would have
   been demolished and made into something else.  Now, it still looks like it
   self from years past but has many exhibits and historical places inside.
   So, the guy is not all bad.  :)

   [Alex also says, "he [Springer] was also a TV anchor man for WLWT after he
   was done with politics."]


Tom Rinschler adds:  The train station is Union Terminal, and I pass it every
   day going to work. And  it really has been coolly refurbished, with all the
   various museums inside.  Moreover, Amtrak moved back into the station once
   it ceased to be a decaying husk, so now it even has its old function back.

   And to answer other things brought up on this thread, Jerry Springer was
   indeed Mayor of Cincinnati [from 1977 to 1981, according to someone called
   "Bill" -- Ed.], but was basically kicked off city council after a rather
   embarrassing sex scandal.  He had been apparently crossing over to
   Covington KY to solicit prostitutes, but was caught in an embarrassing way:
   the check he wrote to one bounced!

   (And he was nutty in other ways too:  he once hijacked a city bus and made
   the driver take him where he anted, claiming as mayor he had the right!)


>> Almost forgot Ken Starr

Jordan Eisenberg:  Bart's line at the end was obviously added in after
   production was complete.  We don't see him move at all, it was unnaturally
   speeded up, and the reference is relatively to up-to-date to have been
   recorded back with the rest of the footage.


>> The girl of a thousand voices

For someone who supposedly doesn't talk, Maggie has an awful lot of voice
   credits, as Brian Rawson-Ketchum notes:  Including [James Earl] Jones and
   [Elizabeth] Taylor, there are *six* people who've voiced Maggie.  The
   others are Yeardley Smith ("Bart vs. Thanksgiving," blames Bart for her not
   being able to talk in his fantasy), Nancy Cartwright ("My Sister, My
   Sitter," she makes basic baby noises), Nancy's daughter Lucy ("Lisa's
   Substitute," she made Maggie's cry when Homer comes to check on her), and
   most recently Dan Castellaneta, who provided her Kodos-like voice at the
   end of the episode.  [Chad Lehman says Harry Shearer did this, and I agree
   -- Ed.]  I don't know how I missed Lucy, though; I got that information
   straight from the Nancy Cartwright web site.


Jordan Eisenberg:  Matt Groening also provided Maggie's sucking sound, which
   has been replayed using a synthesizer since then.  [Dale Abersold says it's
   Gabor Csupo.]


[In addition, The Maggie File at <http://www.snpp.com/guides/maggie.file.html>
   credits Liz Georges for Maggie's voice on the rare occasions she spoke in
   the Ullman-era shorts.  It also counts Danny DeVito's "baby translator"
   voice.  This brings the total up to a surprising ten people -- Ed.]


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  THOHIX


Haynes Lee:  Matt Groening said he would never have Homer strike Bart, but
   throttle his neck instead.  Homer punched Bart several times in the face.


Brian Rawson-Ketchum:  Phil Donahue at one time wanted to broadcast an
   execution on his show. It was to occur in North Carolina, but plans fell
   through, and the show didn't air.  IIRC, a judge wouldn't allow the
   broadcast to occur.


Benjamin Robinson:  Al Jean was credited as "Al 'I Murdered Mike Reiss' Jean"?
   (Now we know what happened to him ...)


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Another fall afternoon at Springfield Elementary finds Bart Simpson
% engaged in his after-school punishment.  This time, he has to write
% "The Simpsons Halloween Special IX."  Instead of the usual chalk, Bart
% chooses to write the message in blood (dipping the brush into a jack-o-
% lantern bucket when it's time for a refill).  When the bell rings, he
% tosses the brush down and gleefully runs out of the building.
%
% At home, Homer pulls into the driveway.  Bart skateboards in from the
% right, jumps the retaining wall, and bounces off the roof of Homer's
% car only to land with a thud in the driveway.  Lisa races in on her
% bike and slams into Bart's broken body.  The impact launches her from
% her bike, and Lisa is firmly lodged into the wall of the garage, just
% above the door.  Marge cheerily drives in, beeping her horn, but Homer
% is too slow in getting out of the way.  He becomes a permanent hood
% ornament for Marge's car.
%
% Meanwhile, in the Simpson living room Freddie Krueger and Jason
% Voorhees wait vainly for the family to arrive.  Freddie glances at his
% watch, and says they should have arrived by now.  Jason just shrugs
% and takes things in stride.
%
% A grim demise for the long-running series?  No, no, my friend.  It is
% only the start -- of "Treehouse of Horror IX."
%
% The curtain rises on our first macabre tale, which we call:
%
%                              Hell Toupée
%
% It's business as usual in the Kwik-E-Mart.  Snake saunters by the
% display of pocket combs.  He plucks one off the rack, dips it in a vat
% of oily cheese, and uses the concoction to slick back his hair.  The
% comb passes the audition.

Snake:    Yo, ring 'er up, dude.
          [hands Apu the comb, and then withdraws a cigarette from his
          pack]
Apu:      [gasps]  You cannot smoke in here, sir.  Please, the sign is
          clearly posted, sir.
          [points to a tiny "No Smoking" sign lost in a sea of
          cigarette ads]
Moe:      [coughs] Aw, God, you smokers disgust me.  [to Apu]  Hey,
          'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
-- Disgust in the eye of the beholder,

% Suddenly, Chief Wiggum bursts through the front door, gun drawn.

Wiggum:   Hands up, scuzzbag!  [Moe raises his hands in surrender]
          Nah, not you, the smoking scuzzbag.
Snake:    [raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Yo, chill out
          dude, I'll pay the fine.
Wiggum:   Not this time, you won't; this is your third strike.  First
          you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of
          nuns ...
Snake:    Hey, that was self-defense!
Wiggum:   Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pall:
          Hell!  Because the penalty for strike three is death.
          [handcuffs Snake]
Snake:    Oh, you'll never make it stick, chief.
Wiggum:   Will, too, because this place is full of witnesses -- Apu,
          that scuzzbag Moe ...
Snake:    I'm not going to forget this, dudes.  I'm going to totally
          kill both of you.
Wiggum:   And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson.  [points to Bart, hiding
          behind a videogame]  He's a witness too, right, Barty?
Bart:     Oh...
Snake:    You are *so* dead, little dude.
Bart:     Thanks a lot, chief.
Wiggum:   [tousles Bart's hair]  Heh, ha, you kids crack me up.

% The wheels of justice turn true to Wiggum's word.  As always, the Fox
% network is there to cover the news with their unique brand of
% journalism.
%
% The show starts with former "Tonight" sidekick Ed McMahon standing in
% front of a curtain.

McMahon:       Hi, I'm Ed McMahon.  Tonight on Fox, from the producers
               of "When Skirts Fall Off," and "Secrets of National
               Security Revealed," it's, "World's Deadliest
               Executions."
               [curtains part, revealing an electric chair.  The
               audience cheers wildly]
               Making his first appearance on our show, heeeere's
               Snake!
               [two dancing girls and Chief Wiggum lead Snake into the
               room, as the audience boos]
Snake:         [to the dancing girls] Thank you, chickie-pies.
               [the scene shifts to the Simpson, who are watching from
               home]
Homer:         The chair?  Ohh ... how come they only do crucifixions
               during sweeps?
               [back to Springfield prison, where Snake is being seated
               for the last time]
Announcer:     Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
Wiggum:        So long, Snake.  You'll never harm another person with
               second-hand smoke.
               [pulls switch.  Snake is jolted with electricity.  Smoke
               from his body fills the execution chamber, causing
               everyone to have a coughing fit.]
Snake:         [weakly] Dude ... [dies]
McMahon:       Hi-yoooo!
Wiggum:        All right, now let's get this carcass over to the
               hospital and carve it up for organs.
Barney:        [stands up in the gallery]  Dibs on the liver!
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% At that moment, the phone rings in the Simpson's house.  By amazing
% coincidence, a donor for Homer's operation has just that moment become
% available.
%
% Homer meets with Dr. Nick Riviera at his seedy medical office.

Riviera:  Boy, you're getting the transplant just in time, Homer.
          [holds up what is obviously Snake's scalp]  This is genuine
          human hair.
Homer:    This is legal, right?
Riviera:  [pause] Yeah, sure, whatever.
          [holds up a syringe]  These drugs will make the operation
          seem like a beautiful dream.
          [punches Homer to knock him out, and then injects himself]
          [dreamily]  Ah ... hi, everybody.
          [picks up a pizza cutter and goes to work on Homer's head]
-- Does his HMO cover that?  "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% At home, Homer shows his family their "sexy new daddy."  The family
% admires Homer's new head of lush hair.  Marge likens him to movie star
% Roger Moore -- only with his fly open.  It looks like Homer's hair
% troubles are finally behind him.
%
% Yet, a good night's rest still eludes Homer, and he tosses and turns
% in bed.  Tendrils from Snake's former hair worm their way into Homer's
% brain.  On its own, Homer's hair re-arranges itself into Snake's
% vaguely threatening style.  Homer awakes, dresses, and quietly slips
% out of the bedroom.
%
% Homer shows up at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Apu:      Ooh!  Ooh-la-la, Simpson.  What can I do for you and your new
          'do?
Homer:    [Snake's voice] You sent me to the chair.
Apu:      [gasps] Snake?  But you're dead!
Homer:    I know you are, but what am I?
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Homer, under Snake's control, picks the screaming Apu up and hauls
% him to the Squishee machine.
%
% Cut to the evening news with Kent Brockman.

Brockman: [grave] ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of
          string all through the night.  [brightens]  On a lighter
          note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Simpsons: [gasps and cries of disbelief]
Marge:    That's horrible!  Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
          [the news goes on the scene with Chief Wiggum]
Wiggum    [drinking a Squishee] I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can
          safely say Apu did not suffer.
Lou:      [indicating Apu's legs sticking out of the top of the
          Squishee machine]
          Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Wiggum:   Aw, Jeez, Lou, how long were you going to let me keep
          drinking this thing?  [drinks some more of the Squishee]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Lisa wonders out loud who could commit such a murder.  As if in
% answer, Homer's hair shifts into Snake-mode.
%
% The next morning, Moe is just sitting down to a breakfast of Penecill-
% O's, when Homer walks in.  He picks up a corkscrew and jams it into
% Moe's chest.  Pulling it out, Homer shows Moe his own heart ("Yoink").
% Moe isn't that impressed, and collapses face-first into his cereal
% bowl.
%
% Once again, it's up to Brockman to break the news to the town.

Brockman:      And another of Springfield's beloved citizens was
               murdered today.  Filthy old bartender Moe Syzslak has
               watered down his last highball.
Bart:          Oh, my God.  Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being
               murdered!
Marge:         It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
Lisa:          I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Bart:          Don't you get it?  He swore to kill me, too -- I'm next!
Homer:         [putting his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect
               you.  [Snake voice]  Little dude.
-- I've got a bad feeling about this, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Homer figures the best way to save Bart is to barricade his bedroom
% door.  He nails up some boards to the door with a sledgehammer.
% "There, now no murderers can get in," Homer says.  Then, in Snake's
% voice, he adds, "or out."  Bart ducks the first swing of Homer's
% hammer, and it sails into the headboard.  The second swing finds
% Bart's Krusty doll.  The third try appears to find it's mark, but we
% see that Homer has only managed to smash Bart's school picture.
% Several more blows just barely miss their mark.

Bart:     [pounding on door]  Help!  Dad's trying to kill me!
Homer:    It's Hammer time, snitchy.  [swing and a miss, this time
          bashing a gaping hole in the door]
Bart:     That's Snake's voice!
          [Lisa and Marge (carrying Maggie) climb in through the hole
          in the door]
Lisa:     Of course -- the transplant!  Somehow Snake's hair must be
          controlling ...
Marge:    [interrupts] Oh, please, Lis, everyone's already figured that
          out.
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Homer closes in for the kill.

Bart:     You've got to fight the hair, dad.
Homer:    But I look so youthful and hunky.
          [Snake voice]  The kid's gotta die.
          [Homer voice]  But I love my son.
          [Snake voice]  More than a lush head of hair?
          [Homer voice]  Don't make me choose!
          [laughs with Snake's laugh]
          [Homer voice]  No!
          [Homer tosses the hammer aside.  He grabs Snake's hair, and
          tears it from his head]
          [Homer voice]  I love you, son!
Bart:     I love you too, dad.  [they hug]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Snake may be down, but he's not out.  His hair lunges onto Bart's
% face, trying to smother him.  Homer tries to subdue the hair by
% punching it, but that does more damage to the boy than to Snake.
% Chief Wiggum, accompanied by two officers, steps into the room and
% sees Homer throttling Bart.

Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and
Apu Nahassa ... passa ... well, just Moe, just Moe.
-- Chief Wiggum, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Homer tells Wiggum that it was really the hair that was behind the
% murders.  Since the hair was running around the room by itself, the
% story has a certain plausibility.  The police shoot it several times
% as it tries to leap out the window, until it finally falls limp.
% Maggie picks it up and uses it as a makeshift security blanket.

Wiggum:   Now that's what I call a bad hair day.
          [everyone but Marge laughs]
Marge:    May I remind you that two people are dead and ... oh, wait, I
          just got it.
          [joins everyone else in laughing]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% [End of Act One.  Time (including special opening):  8:45]
%
% Bart and Lisa go on a strange journey to experience:
%
%                         Terror in Toon Town
%
% On the "Krusty the Klown Show," there is a flash of light and a cloud
% of smoke.  The haze drifts away to reveal -- an empty stage.  Krusty,
% dressed in a vampire costume, runs to fill the spot.

Krusty:   [Transylvanian accent] Hey, hey, tonight I'm going to suck!
          [cue card boy flips to next card]
          [normal voice]  Your blood.
          Okay, get ready for the violentest, disemboweling-est, vomit-
          inducingest "Itchy & Scratchy" Halloween special ever!
          [the screen goes dark]
Bart:     [simultaneous with Lisa] What the...?
Lisa:     Hey!
Marge:    Sorry, but if I let you watch some of these gruesome
          Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
-- And if I *appeared* in one of those cartoons, well, "Treehouse of
          Horror"

% Marge asks the kids if they would like to join Maggie and her in
% trick-or-treating.  Bart declines, since that would interfere with the
% egg-throwing plans he has later that night.
%
% Homer walks by, sloppily dressed, and eating from a can.

Marge:    Oh, Homer you're not going as a hobo again?
Homer:    Going where?
-- Silly question, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Marge goes out with Maggie, admonishing the kids to avoid "Itchy &
% Scratchy."  To be extra sure they obey her, she takes the batteries to
% the remote with her.  Homer, sitting in the kitchen with a harmonica,
% makes up a blues song on the spot.

Mama took those batteries,
Just took them away,
Mama took those batteries,
Size double-A!
-- Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% It doesn't take long before Bart has had enough.  He slams the
% kitchen door (!) shut, and rummages through Homer's toolbox.  He soon
% finds a short glowing green rod.

Lisa:     Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.  It's highly unstable!
Bart:     [forces the rod into the remote's battery slot with a hammer]
          Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

% Bart turns on the TV.  A green ray comes from the remote and strikes
% the TV.  The feedback throws Bart back several feet onto the couch,
% and the TV itself glows and pulsates.  Nevertheless, Bart's idea works
% -- the kids can now watch "Candle in the Wound," the new I&S cartoon.
% Lisa wonders what why the TV acts strangely, and Bart figures the
% color is off.  He tries using the remote to adjust it, and adjust his
% and Lisa's color in the process.
%
% Bart and Lisa struggle over the remote.  Another ray arcs from the
% set, hits the kids, and transports them into the TV.  By the time they
% realize what happened, they are standing on the set of the "Itchy &
% Scratchy Show."

Bart:     Hey Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa:     How humiliating.

% Itchy opens the door to Scratchy, who is trick or treating.  The
% mouse cuts off Scratchy's head.  Then he scoops out Scratchy's brains,
% and inserts a candle in their place to make a jack-o-lantern of his
% head.  The kids laugh heartily at this.

Scratchy:      Why are you laughing?
Itchy:         Hey!  They're laughing at your pain.
Scratchy:      [puts his head back on his body] That's mean.
Itchy:         Let's teach them a lesson.
               [Someone tosses an axe at Bart.  It parts his hair down
               the middle]
Bart:          A cartoon axe.  I love it.
               [laughs.  A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]
Bart + Lisa:   Aaah!
-- It's not just a cartoon, darn it, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects.  Bart and
% Lisa's eyes literally pop out of their sockets for a moment, and they
% run out of the house.  The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to
% avoid the flying arsenal.
%
% Bart flags down a police car.  He and Lisa get in the back, and speed
% away from Itchy and Scratchy's place.  Lisa relaxes, but soon notices
% the police motto is, "To Protect and Sever."  Uh, oh -- this is Itchy
% and Scratchy's police car!  Itchy fires up a chainsaw and lunges at
% the kids, who dive to avoid the whirring blade.
%
% Back home, Homer notices his two oldest children are on TV.

Oooh, how are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?
-- Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% While trying to slice and dice Bart and Lisa, Itchy accidentally lops
% off Scratchy's arms.  Scratchy takes the gaffe in stride, accepting
% Itchy's apology and steering the car with his teeth.
%
% Meanwhile Poochie skateboards down the street.  Those of you worrying
% that he might be making a comeback will no doubt be relieved to hear
% that I&S run him down.
%
% Inside the car, it looks like the end.  Bart has one more ace up his
% sleeve.  He draws an "eject" button on the seat of the car, and pushes
% it.  Bart and Lisa are catapulted high into the sky.  With the clouds
% rushing past, Bart reflects on their close escape.  Lisa is not so
% calm, though.  She nudges Bart to look at the ground, where Itchy and
% Scratchy (his arms now restored) lay out a pile of nasty-looking bear
% traps -- and then connect them to an electrical source.  The kids
% begin to fall to their doom.
%
% Meanwhile, back at the ranch ...

Homer:         Bor-ring.
               [changes channels to "Live with Regis & Kathie Lee."
               Regis is stirring a big pot of soup]
Regis:         I'm telling you, the cilantro really gives it a zing!
Kathie Lee:    Reege, there's no cilantro in it.
               [Bart and Lisa fall into the pot, splattering everything
               but cilantro over the two hosts]
Regis:         Oh, ah, for the love [Bart and Lisa jump out, and run
               offstage] ... this soup is out of control!
               [Itchy and Scratchy fall into the pot, splattering
               another wave of soup]
Regis +
  Kathie:      Oh!  [Itchy and Scratchy jump out and give chase to Bart
               and Lisa]
Regis:         My eyes, my beautiful eyes!
Kathie Lee:    That's it!  I'm going home!  Dom DeLouise can interview
               himself.
-- Live with Regis & Kathie Lee & Bart & Lisa & Itchy & Scratchy,
  "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Homer changes the channel again.  Bart and Lisa now appear to be
% inside a cartoon house.  Unfortunately, it's Itchy and Scratchy's
% cartoon house.  Lisa looks up and notices she can see her dad, sitting
% on the other side of the TV screen.

Lisa:     Dad, you've got to get us out of here!  Use the remote!
Homer:    Huh?  Oh, okay.  Let's see ...
          [cut to a Homer's-eye view of the remote.  The camera pans
          randomly over buttons, mimicking Homer's search]
          Pause?  No.  Three?  No.
Bart +
  Lisa:   Dad!
          [Itchy and Scratchy hook up a hose to a fire hydrant labeled
          "Piranhas."  Itchy opens the valve, while Scratchy aims the
          hose]
Bart:     Hurry, Homer!
          [a stream of piranhas shoots out of the hose and skeletonizes
          Bart below the neck]
          Ooh, that is going to hurt tomorrow.
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Lisa tells Homer to try the "exit" button.  This works, and the kids
% are zapped back home none the worse for the wear unless you count the
% fact that Bart has no flesh covering his bones.  Marge walks in and,
% thinking the family is under skeleton attack, warns Lisa to look out.
% Lisa takes the remote and pushes the "rewind/review" button.  The
% piranhas emerge from the screen, circle Bart in reverse, and restore
% his body.
%
% Itchy and Scratchy aren't giving up that easily.  They break through
% the screen and run into the living room.  Their plans for creating
% havoc run into a snag, though, because they're still only a few inches
% high.

Homer:         [picks up Itchy by the tail and giggles]
               Look how cute they are.
               [Itchy tries futilely to hit Homer with the axe.  Homer
               deposits him in a cage, where Itchy instinctively avails
               himself of the exercise wheel]
               Look at him go!
               [Snowball II rubs up against Scratchy]
Scratchy:      You're beautiful.
Marge:         Aw, somebody's in love.  [picks up Scratchy]  That means
               you'll have to be neutered.
Scratchy:      Noooo!  [covers his groin with his hands.  Iris out on
               his gloves]
-- Why don't you just chop off my head, instead?  "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% [End of Act Two.  Time:  14:15]
%
% Tonight's final tale of the transmundane is:
%
%                           Starship Poopers
%
% It's a beautiful day in the Simpsons' neighborhood, and the family
% sits down to breakfast.

Marge:    [holding a spoonful of food in front of Maggie]
          Here comes the flying saucer!
          [tries to interest Maggie by waving the spoon around, but
          she's having none of it]
Bart:     What's wrong with stinky?
Marge:    She's teething.  Look, her very first baby tooth!
          [opens Maggie's mouth to reveal a sharp fang]
Homer:    Ew!
Bart:     Disgusting.
Homer:    [pushes his bowl away] I just lost my appetite.
Lisa:     [pushes her bowl away] Me, too.
Homer:    [grabs Lisa's bowl] Wait, mine came back.
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% After breakfast Homer tries to distract Maggie with a game of "This
% Little Piggy."  At the fourth little piggy, though, Maggie's legs pop
% off.  "Look Marge," he says happily, "Maggie lost her baby legs."
%
% Maggie grows a set of tentacles where her legs were.  She immediately
% uses them to scamper up to the ceiling.

Marge:    Homer, do something!  The ceiling's not a safe place for a
          young baby.
Homer:    Eh, all right, I got it.  [gets a broom and tries to poke
          Maggie off the ceiling]  Come on, get off the ... [she grabs
          the handle with her free tentacles and swings Homer back and
          forth across the room]
          Bad baby!  Oh, she's entering the terrible two's all right.
-- Just wait till she becomes a teen-ager, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% The family pays a visit to Dr. Hibbert's office.

Marge:    It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
Hibbert:  [goes to use the tongue depressor, but Maggie bites it into
          pieces]  Aah!
Homer:    Is there anything you can prescribe, doctor?
Hibbert:  Fire -- and lots of it!
Marge:    Oh, that's your cure for everything.
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Back at home, the family wonders what has become of their baby.  "If
% only you could tell us what's happening to you," Lisa muses.  She
% can't tell the Simpsons, but it turns out that Maggie can contact
% somebody.  Sucking extra-rapidly on her pacifier, she sends a signal
% that reaches a flying saucer travelling in deep space.  The signal
% lights a pacifier-shaped indicator aboard the spaceship.

Kodos:    Commander Kang, receiving transmission from infant pod
          thirteen.
Kang:     Holy flerking schnit!  What's the message?
Kodos:    Larval stage completed ... standing by for orders ...
          experiencing terrible rash.  Over.
Kang:     Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt-
          producing planet known as, "Earth."  It's time I paid a visit
          to ... my daughter!
Kodos:    [overwhelmed]  Ohh ...
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Homer's viewing of "How Dracula Got His Groove Back" is interrupted
% by a knock at the door.

Homer:    [opens door to find Kang and Kodos standing there]
          Hello -- oh great.  Mormons.
Kang:     Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians and we've come to see
          ... my daughter.  [holds up and squeaks a squeak-toy]
Marge:    Oh, Lord.  I was hoping this day would never come.
Homer:    Huh?  What are you talking about?
Kang:     You mean you never told him?
Marge:    Oh, I guess I've been in denial.  Homer, Kang is Maggie's
          father.
Homer:    [gasps]  You intergalactic hussy!  How could you!  [covers
          his face and cries]
          [looks up]  Was he better than me?
-- Well ..., "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Marge begins to retell the tale.  One day, she was having a great
% time hanging laundry in the back yard, when Kang's spacecraft hovered
% ominously in the air.  Using advanced alien devices (like a good
% length of rope), they bring Marge aboard the ship, and sit her on a
% couch.

Kang:     Congratulations.  You have been selected for our cross-
          breeding program.
Kodos:    To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common
          spawning locations of your species.  You may choose either
          [as Kodos lists the choices, he highlights a mock-up of each
          one]
          the back seat of a Camaro,
          an airplane bathroom,
          a friend's wedding,
          or the alley behind a porno theater.
Marge:    I absolutely refuse to go along with this; [pause] but since
          I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
          [the alley set slides behind the couch.  Kang retracts his
          helmet and sits next to Marge]
Kodos:    Initiate fertilization procedure.
Kang:     Oh, you look lovely this evening.  Have you decreased in
          mass?
Marge:    [voiceover]  I tried to resist, but they applied powerful
          mind-confusion techniques.
Kang:     Look behind you.
          [Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam
          something on her]
          Insemination complete.  [deploys space helmet]
Marge:    Really?  That seemed awfully quick.
Kang:     What are you implying?
Marge:    Nothing, nothing.
Kang:     Whoa, wow, look at the time.  I'd love to stay but I have an
          early meeting tomorrow.  You're a super girl, though.  I'll
          call you sometime.
          [pushes a button marked "dump."  The couch cushion tilts up,
          and Marge falls back to Earth through a chute]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Nine months later, says Marge, Maggie was born.  Now, Kodos wants to
% take her back to Rigel 7, where she will be given lifetime employment
% in the Rigelian civil service.  Homer refuses to give Maggie up, and
% the two begin to fight.  Bart intercedes, saying, "there's only one
% man who can settle an argument this bizarre."
%
% That one way, of course, is to go on "The Jerry Springer Show."
% Today's topic is, "My Daddy's a Space Monster!"

Springer:      Okay, we're back.  Homer, how'd it feel to learn your
               baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus?
               [Graphic comes up that says, "Homer Simpson:  'Wife
               knocked boots with Space Stud!'"]
Homer:         It made me angry, Jerry.  Angry and tired.
Springer:      Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier, because
               we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in
               the soundproof booth where he can't hear us.
Kang:          I hear all!
Springer:      Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
Kang:          [walks onstage, gives Marge a bouquet of roses, and
               kisses her hand.  Homer jumps and punches him]
Homer:         You lousy two-timing [bleep bleep]!  I'm gonna [bleep]!
Kang:          Oh yeah?  Well [bleep] hyperbolic parabaloid!  [bleep]
               yo mama!  [grabs two chairs and uses them to fight
               Homer]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% Stagehands break up the fight.  Jerry takes the microphone into the
% audience to take questions.

Woman:         Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it
               is.
Springer:      Homer.
Woman:         Nah, the green dude.  If you're that baby's daddy, where
               you been at?
               [audience voices its agreement]
               Ya know, someone needs to learn your green ass some
               responsibility.
               [audience cheers.  Kang pulls a ray gun and vaporizes
               the women]
Springer:      Now hold on, Kang.  You can't bully my audience with
               your fancy ray gun.
               [Kang vaporizes remainder of audience]
               And now for my final thought.
               [steps in front of his "final thought" backdrop]
               Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above
               the welfare of a child.  Let's hope they put their
               differences aside, and do what's best for Maggie.
               [Maggie attacks Jerry]
               Ow!  What the [bleep]!  Get the [bleep] baby off
               [bleep]!  Son of a [bleep]!
               [Kang attacks Springer.  Homer attacks Kang again.  The
               show's end credit music comes up]
Marge:         I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.
-- A very special episode of "The Jerry Springer Show," "Treehouse of
   Horror"

% Kang, Kodos, and the Simpsons calmly gather outside the studio.

Marge:    I can't believe it.  Jerry Springer didn't solve our
          conflict.
Lisa:     And now he's dead.
Kang:     Anywho, this is your last chance.  Turn over the baby now.
Kodos:    Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
Marge:    [knowingly] Oh, you couldn't destroy *every* politician.
Kang:     Just watch us.  [laughing menacingly, they board their flying
          saucer and take off]
Bart:     Don't forget Ken Starr!
Marge:    Suckers.
Homer:    C'mon, Maggie, let's go home.
Maggie:   Very well.  I'll drive!
          [laughs menacingly as the screen fades to black]
          I need blood.
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"

% The Halloween credits roll.  Instead of the normal Gracie shush, we
% hear a quick sound bite of Regis Philbin yelling, "My eyes!  My
% Beautiful Eyes!"  (Or at least we did the second time the episode
% aired.  Technical snafus prevented this from happening the first time
% around.}
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time:  21:48]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ad}  Anthony Dean
{ag}  Andrew Gill
{ah}  Alan Hamilton
{am}  A. Michelson
{bb}  Brad Bizzolt
{bc}  Ben Collins
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{brk} Brian Rawson-Ketchum
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{ds}  Dave Sikula
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{hw}  Hari Wierny
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{jg}  Jeremy Gallen
{jj}  John Jensen
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{lh}  Lang Huck
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{pr}  Phil J. Reed
{ps}  Paul Sterne
{ss}  Samuel Sklaroff
{tn}  Tim Nolan
{tr}  Tom Rinschler

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2002 "It's All About the Benjamins"
Robinson.  It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent
from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted
material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of
Twentieth Century Fox.  All other contributions remain the properties of their
respective authors.  The transcript itself is Copyright 1999 Benjamin
Robinson.  This capsule has been brought to you by Jerry Springer productions.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.