Season 6B, Episode 5: The Cold War

We are in the home stretch and my goal WAS to wrap this up before the revival starts, but it starts 12/9, sooooo. Well, anyway. I’ll figure it out.

Let’s not waste any time talking about why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst! Although to be honest this post is turning into why AP is the worst. Because wow.

#1 – Carrie and AP are at Pastis at the “star table”, which is actually a booth and where AP thinks it is appropriate to stick his hand down her shirt right there in public. They are about to start making out fiercely when three of his…colleagues, I guess, approach.

#2 – AP asks the trio to join them and makes introductions but I can’t be bothered to remember their names. One guy is AP’s assistant, the other guy is a painter, and then the blonde bitch is an editor for some art magazine. Blondie congratulates AP on his upcoming SOLO art show in Paris, and it is clear from Carrie’s expression that she has no idea what is happening.

That’s a punchable face

#3 – When the clingers get around to asking Carrie about her job, Blondie is super condescending about Carrie writing for the New York Star so AP, trying to prove how smart and funny Carrie’s column is, borrows the paper from someone sitting next to them and rattles off a line from her latest column, “It’s my belief that the last time anyone actually enjoyed the 69 position was in 1969.” If that is the case, then why is she fucking writing about it?

SIDEBAR EVERYONE LOVES ELIZABETH TAYLOR: Charlotte is walking her with Anthony and he is complaining that the dog is getting cruised more than he is. Calm down. Charlotte wants to enter her in a dog show.

SIDEBAR BROOKLYN: Miranda is all of us. (Well, all of us when it comes to internet access. Refusing to take off her heels when she is walking from the subway to her house and then complaining about it is just stupid.)

https://satcgifs.tumblr.com/post/121110115581

SIDEBAR SCANDAL: Stanford and Marcus see Smith at the star table of whatever restaurant (Pastis again??) and it turns out he’s with Samantha. They didn’t recognize her from behind because she has a new wig. Smith invites them to join and then five seconds later some bro asks to take a pic of him and Smith says only if he takes a pic of all of them. Bro complies and then immediately sells the pic to a tabloid, I assume, based on what happens a few scenes from now.

#4 – Carrie is in bed with AP and tries to bring up the Paris show. He asks why he would want to talk about that when he has Carrie in his bed.

Carrie wants to know about it because it is important to him and his response is to basically try and get it in again rather than talk about his work, I guess? She insists that he tell her more about what he does so that she can avoid the below embarrassing faces in restaurants:

https://satcgifs.tumblr.com/post/110171941266

AP launches into this bullshit about how he likes to keep his work life separate from his personal life. Which is fine. At an office. With your coworkers. But this is a woman who you are about to invite to live with you in Paris, spoiler, and you didn’t even tell her you have an upcoming show there?

#5 – Carrie is like alright if you don’t want to talk about work then bye bitch. AP basically tells her to blow off all her plans and it doesn’t take very much to persuade her. Turns out he’s just convinced her to ditch her friends for brunch (who are already there waiting for her).

SIDEBAR BRUNCH: Miranda announces that Smith wound up in Tattle Tale magazine, outed. The bro taking that pic either was the paparazzi or sold it to the magazine and they cropped out Samantha because she is nowhere to be seen. Samantha says it is not worth sweating over and once the gay rumors start, that means Smith has really made it.

#6 – Charlotte’s cell phone rings and it is Carrie calling to bail on them. She says she’s all the way downtown at the Russian’s and it is too cold to go anywhere. Okay, I’m going to veer off course here: she is sitting in front of a fireplace sipping a hot drink that I assume has alcohol in it. Why the FUCK would she leave that comfort to go to brunch? I’m with her on that specific decision. Charlotte tells her Elizabeth Taylor is going to be in a dog show right before Miranda grabs the phone and says if she can come here from Brooklyn then Carrie can come from wherever the fuck she is. Team Fireplace.

Team fireplace

#7 – FOUR DAYS LATER, Carrie finally goes home and checks her answering machine. She has three messages, all from Big. She doesn’t seem phased by the first two, but then when she hears the third message…

TFW you’re not over your ex

I don’t know, is that the face of someone completely over their ex? I don’t think so. She deletes all the messages and then we cut to her at Miranda’s drinking wine in front of the fireplace and she looks so smug about deleting Big.

TFW you delete you ex

Actually…that’s the perfect expression. SJP nails it. Although, when Miranda asks why he called and Carrie says she doesn’t know or care…is that really true? I doubt it.

#8 – But then, she tells Miranda things are serious with The Russian.

Carrie: It’s grown up. There’s not a lot of fuss. There’s no confusion about how he feels about me, he tells me all the time, unlike Answering Machine up there in Napa.

Miranda: Sounds perfect.

ME: Hmmmm, okay sure except he neglected to mention his upcoming solo art show in Paris and if it was serious, wouldn’t she have already known that? Also, to our knowledge he hasn’t said “I love you yet.”

#9 – Carrie then goes on to say that she and AP have nothing in common but each other. And that they really aren’t involved in each other’s lives. HOW IS THIS A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, THEN?

I am only mentioning it because it becomes important later but Steve comes home and is as friendly as ever to Carrie, welcomes her to the house and has brought home cheesecake and cannoli. After Steve leaves the room, Carrie announces that she wants Miranda to meet The Russian.

#10 – We cut to Carrie reading a newspaper at The Russian’s when he comes in yawning, having clearly been up all night. When Carrie asks how his work is going, he doesn’t answer. She takes this as a sign to ASK HIM TO MEET ALL HER FRIENDS. He agrees. I’m sure nothing at all will go wrong. AP wants to get it in but Carrie says she has to leave to go home and write her column. She could have left at any point before he walked through the door, but fine. He basically says if she fucks him for an hour he will let her use his computer.

SIDEBAR SAMANTHA HATES A RUMOR: Sam is getting a pedicure when she overhears two PR bitches talking about Smith being gay and when one name drops Samantha as his girlfriend, the other says, “All this time I thought she had the hottest sex life in New York City. Turns out she’s just a Fag Hag.” Her reaction:

Samantha Jones – not handling rumors

SIDEBAR ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S DOG SHOW: The dog gets her period but still wins because Charlotte eye flirts with one of the judges. Samantha complains about the rumors surrounding her and Smith. Carrie takes this opportunity to ignore Samantha’s problem and invite the gals to have drinks with The Russian. Then Sam forces Smith to make a sex tape so she can leak it online and clear up any confusion.

SIDEBAR ELIZABETH TAYLOR GETS GANG BANGED AT THE PARK: What else is there to say?

#11 – Charlotte is recapping this story while the gals are all waiting for AP to show up for drinks. This is his cue to call Carrie on her cell to tell her that he’s not coming. He does send over a bottle of champagne so Carrie’s bright idea is for them to finish their drinks, down the champs and then head over to his apartment/studio to say hi. What could go wrong?

#12 – The girls show up at AP’s hammered. Carrie has to brag that AP has the whole floor. When she bangs on his studio he opens the door and is all, what are you doing, who invited you. He tells her he’s too busy to visit, he’s working, Carrie should have known that, then, right before he closes the studio on her, he barely acknowledges the other three. Great first impression, jackass. After Carrie offers to still show the girls his apartment, they are all like hard pass. Even after The Russian’s behavior she decides to spend the night. STOP DATING PEOPLE WHO PUT YOU SECOND.

SIDEBAR STEVE IS BETTER: When Miranda gets home she basically jumps on Steve for being nice to all her friends and, after they fuck, she logs on to a gossip web site and sees the Sam/Smith sex tape.

#13 – Carrie wakes up to an empty bed and goes to AP’s studio to yell at him for being a dick to her friends but sees he is in distress. He’s afraid his work won’t be enough for his solo show, blah blah. He starts spilling his guts, she continues to be a doormat, we have to wait for him to meet her friends until next time.

The next episode, Splat!, is quite the rollercoaster. Can’t wait to dive into that one!