'Gossip Girl' recap: You can't 'Affair to Remember' me!

Image Credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CWFor a second — hell, for much this season — I thought the group of Upper East Siders I’d come to love for their collaborative scheming was gone forever, lost in a world of individual plots that kept me entertained but failed to thrill as they once did. But after “Ex-Husbands and Wives,” I can gladly say, welcome back, “*itches.”

So last night, Dr. van der Woodsen’s house of prescription pill bottles came crashing down as revelations emerged about his dealings with Dr. Holland Kemble (the neighbor who last week lied and told Serena she slept with Rufus; forgive me as I shudder in disgust). The pair’s arrangement was pieced together and exposed by our favorite cunning characters… and Dan, resulting in Dr. vdW’s almost arrest (yes, he got away). But that’s only the tip of the scandal. Let’s dip into the “mailbag” for some questions.

My ex-husband, who is treating me for cancer, is trying to win me back. He even bought me a juicer. My current husband is a good man, too, though. He’s the Waffle Master, but he might have cheated on me. Who should I choose? — Lily Bit Confused

Sounds like you’re looking for a good breakfast more than love, but let me clue you into something. Your ex-husband is not treating you for anything… anymore. And your husband didn’t cheat on you with a neighbor. In fact, said neighbor is under your ex’s thumb right now and has been signing prescriptions for medicines that make you seem sick. You should talk to your daughter’s friends. They’re much smarter than your daughter, aren’t clouded by childish dreams of a nuclear family, and know how to enunciate. They can tell you more.

Are handcuffs are a good idea for a first date? — Honey B

Always, but don’t bother. Despite being one delicious dish, this guy you’re going out with talks about rugby, and you really don’t care. Your mind is thinking about the Empire State Building, and the 7 p.m. deadline your true love has given you. And let’s cut the crap, Blair. You’re going to the Empire State if it’s the last thing you ever do because Chuck said to. “If you’re not there tomorrow, at 7:01 I’m closing my heart to you forever.” And you know you’ll be there. Your chemistry is undeniable. Glances speak so much more than words. Evidence: when you were talking to Psycho Psychiatrist about your dysfunctions. So stop ‘effin around and go find something to wear for the big moment. P.S. I noticed (and admired) that you create your own wind when you walk in a big poufy dress. Tyra Banks would be proud.

I can’t handle dead bunnies. — Nate

That’s nice. You’re so pretty. And I love when you confuse outsiders by trying to explain your group’s complicated past schemes.

My dad is pissed at me because I kind of tried to break his marriage up by withholding some important evidence that would prove my step-mom’s ex-husband was lying about treating her for cancer. And later, I tipped him off when he was about to be caught. The doc and his precious family were half way out the door, but then my plan was duped. Can I fix things with my dad? — Totally Effed

No. Stop trying. I know you miss Brooklyn, and making your own clothes, and you want your normal family life back, but that was cold. Wise Gay Teen said it best when he said no one was forcing you to stay on the Upper East. So go. And this advice is free: Never wear that black dress again. There are two huge reasons.

Can I wear a short, one-shoulder dress to a formal function? — Can’t Breathe

No. So stop doing it. That’s two offenses in a row. Also, please tell me you were leaning against your step-brother in the limo in a you’re-such-a-good-brother way after he accompanied you to help your father escape from the police. Please.

I feel like I’ve gotten more interesting since my girlfriend disappeared. — Dan

You did. And while I find it weird that She of the Flowy Print Dress was sent to Haiti with a single sentence this week (assuming we don’t see her more next week), it worked out for the better, I say.

So, PopWatchers, what did you think of the episode? Next week’s the finale (major spoilers here), and I’m excited. Oh, and I kept count this week. My Serena’s an Idiot radar went off five times. Share your tally and comments below!