'Gossip Girl' recap, 'Dirty Rotten Scandals'

What an incredibly frustrating episode of Gossip Girl.

If I may recap from the top of Mount Holier Than Thou — I think every character on this show was secretly infected with some sort of crazy virus à la The Walking Dead, died (inside), activated the virus, and now roams the streets of New York calling themselves “mentors.” Yup, there’s no other option because these people can’t be real. (Also, Sandra, newsflash: They’re not.)

Alas, in whatever warped reality in which Gossip Girl takes place, this week’s episode found Serena and Blair at each other’s throats in a pretty massive (and juvenile) way, Dan backstabbing his best bro, Serena playing big sis/mini-mom to Sage, and Sage just asking to be slapped. I get that this season was meant to test the relationships, but this isn’t a test. This is character implosion!

The only sane person in this entire seemed to be Chuck, who took a break from Operation Daddy Takedown to plan his lady’s fashion show. Blair had come down with a case of exhaustion (not the Lindsay Lohan kind, the real kind — if there is such a thing) and couldn’t continue her iron rule over the rebirth of Waldorf Designs. Luckily, Chuck knows her personal style and is a man who knows how to make things happen. By the time Blair was back on her feet, the show was ready to go. What a guy! (Also, what’s a regular girl gotta do to find a dude who throws money at problems and wears suits to bed?)

Meanwhile, Dan was 50 shades of crazy throughout the entire episode. He turned many heads with the first part of his book — including his father’s — and decided to back out of the gentleman’s agreement he’d made with Nate, informing him that he planned to publish the rest of his material with Vanity Fair. Since they hadn’t put anything in ink, Nate could do nothing but pout. Bad business, Nate. You had been warned. And bad form, Dan. I expected better from you.

On that note, I can’t decide exactly what’s up with Dan. I’m hoping it’s a brain tumor that’s made him act all un-Dan-like. But I doubt that’s the case. It might just be the effect of years as a bottom-feeding Humphrey. It’s finally gotten to him and that’s sad. He used to be a gentle, plaid-wearing soul.

Elsewhere, Serena was acting like the typical trophy girlfriend by trying to find ways to prove she’s not a trophy girlfriend. First stop: Make good with hubby’s spawn. (Possibly the best reaction of the night? Nate: “YOU — a mentor?”) But Serena seemed to take it very seriously, claiming she was “saving” Sage. Ugh.

It blew up in her face, though. After scoring Sage a place in Blair’s show — in exchange for rave reviews from the front row — Sage ended up ruining the whole thing right underneath Serena and Blair’s noses. (“A wolf in B’s clothing,” as Gossip Girl said. Personally, she’s more like a B—– in B’s clothing.) It’s really time to ship little spice overseas. I know that’s such a typical stepmom move, but this kid deserves it. What a brat! That, and my tolerance for brats has significantly decreased since six years ago when I was watching the original brats misbehave on this show.

A few burning questions: Is Serena’s treatment of Blair bothering anyone else? She dumped her like last year’s worn-out booties the second she found a new man and I resent that. On a similar note, I feel like Rufus is giving Ivy a lot of breaks and putting his family second. Frankly, Roofy, you shouldn’t be making the same mistakes as a *22-year-old girl. But since I brought up Ivy, do you think she’s right about Dan? Is he acting like a Park Ave. Prince? And are you hoping he straightens up fast? Also, I was hard on Nelly Yuki last week, but this week she more than won my sympathy after being rejected by Dan for a prettier girl. Was that moment hard for anyone else to watch?

*Estimation.

Quotables:

“The devil is in the details and I’m about to worship Satan.” — Blair

“Anything beats Georgina watching me sleep.” — Dan

“I’m up against a wall and not in a hot Chuck Bass kinda way.” — Blair

“I’m pretty sure my dad swallows.” — Dan (Ed note: DISGUSTING!)

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