Grey's Anatomy recap: Everything I Do, Nothing Seems to Turn Out Right

After last week’s Burke invasion, this episode served very much as a lead-in to the finale. That being said, I thought it was surprisingly funny — funnier than Grey’s has been in a while. However, it also featured what will definitely go down as one of my least favorite patient storylines ever. Call me immature and shallow, but I don’t want to listen to a woman fart and poop all episode. I’d rather have spontaneous orgasms girl back.

At the dream house, Meredith was busy enjoying some delicious waffles, courtesy of Amy, who was outside having yet another “weepy” phone call with her fiancé. Mer was video chatting with Derek (in D.C.) about how it might be time to release their hostage. Perhaps Amy needed to return to her man in California? It was a nice thought, but I wouldn’t say that to Amelia, which was something Meredith learned a bit later. As far as Amy’s concerned, she liked the sister-in-law who didn’t give a crap a lot better than the one full of life advice. See, even Amy misses dark-and-twisty Mer!

But Amy wasn’t the only “grumpuss” this episode. Callie found out that after the car accident, she’s unable to carry a child. And the residents? Well, they were just a mess after last week’s discovery that one of them was going to be fired. Jo was breaking out in stress hives. Leah was eating her way through everything. And Shane? Well, he was surprisingly fine. Perhaps his nervous breakdown really was a one-time thing? Also, can I just say that something about Leah’s uncontrollable burping made me hate her even more — and, simultaneously, like her more than I ever have. She finally had something all her own that wasn’t whiny!

So while Shane helped take care of a baby with organs outside its body, Leah was on the literal poop deck, and Jo was frantically running around trying to please everyone. Meanwhile, Stephanie had the real drama of the day. Braden Morris, a.k.a. Bubble Boy, was doing much better. Bailey’s treatment had worked, and now it was time for Bailey to tell the truth. First, she informed the board — or at least Cristina Yang, who obviously high-fived her for saving the kid’s life. Then it was time to inform the parents. And that didn’t go over nearly as well.

Despite the fact that Bailey’s treatment had worked, Braden’s parents wanted to press charges. More specifically, they wanted to press assault and battery charges. And this is where Jackson let it slip — in front of Stephanie! — that he and April were expecting. So much for not telling anybody until after the first trimester! Regardless, Braden’s parents didn’t care. Their son might have been allowed out of the bubble, but Braden’s dad never wanted Bailey to practice medicine again. Cue Stephanie’s genius idea! The resident claimed she had forgotten to tell Bailey about the withdrawal of consent until it was too late, until the treatment had already been administered. How’d that work out? Let’s get back to it in a minute.

Elsewhere, Cristina was interviewing humble-braggers and a “girl who rode her third wheeler” to work for Dr. Russell’s position as the new head of cardio while Karev swooped back into the hospital to steal one of Arizona’s patients. Poor Shane got pulled into the whole mess when Karev played the you-went-nuts-and-killed-my-dad card. Honestly, what could he have done at that point? Long story short, Arizona was pissed at Karev, but he explained that life was different at the practice. Patients weren’t coming to him; he had to go get the patients. Next time, all he had to do was pick up the phone and ask Arizona for help, she told him. Then she rightfully hit him upside the head. Also, lose the tie, Alex. I’m really never going to get used to that.

Best line of the night: Callie telling Jo that there’s no room in ortho for sissy girls. “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” OK, grumpuss Callie is my favorite.

NEXT: Richard fires a resident

And speaking of grumpusses — I have no idea how to use that word — Amy apologized for biting Meredith’s head off earlier. But when Mer brushed it off and told her it was okay, we discovered Amy’s real problem: She loves it here. People weren’t nearly as sensitive as they were in California. She wanted to stay, which, sadly, meant breaking up with James. This is where I need Private Practice fans to weigh in. James was great, right? I really liked them together. I wanted Amy to stay, but I was hoping she’d bring him with her to the world of rainy days and deathly encounters. Now I’m a little bummed.

Back to Bailey! Braden’s parents asked that Stephanie be suspended for one week — that’s it? — but otherwise, they were dropping all charges. Just like that, Bailey hugged Stephanie and promised her she had an advocate. Nobody was going to fire Stephanie without going through Bailey, which meant nobody was going to fire Stephanie.

In surgery, Richard watched Leah like a hawk, then sat her down. I knew this was it (and was happy about it). He told Leah that while she could be a good doctor, she wasn’t a surgeon. Firing her was a kindness rather than a punishment. He offered to make a call and get her into a research lab at the University of Washington. And of course Leah had to get fired to finally do something that made me genuinely like her — the way she didn’t tell the other residents but reassured Shane that he was fine? I thought that was great.

After a long day, Jackson and April both fessed up to telling someone about the baby, which meant she could probably go ahead and send the sonogram to her mom. Unfortunately, those words would not be said by Callie, who told Arizona not to carry their child. Arizona offered, but Callie recognized that things between them were too fragile. She didn’t want to put them in a position to be broken. They have a beautiful life, and that can be enough. Right?

Cristina, having met with a number of candidates, assured Owen that the cardio department would be fine. But when he brought up the Harper Avery Foundation trying to mend fences, and a possible large cash infusion to the cardio department, she stopped him. Cristina asked him to please not offer her the job. He didn’t. He wanted to, but knew she had to go. Nothing good would come of him asking her to stay…but Owen would ask his ex-wife for something else. Cue epic kiss that only Owen and Cristina could pull off. His kiss literally lifted her out of a chair, people! Then he asked her not to go. “Don’t leave me. Just don’t go.” Oh my God, my heart can’t take this!! Update: Some of you are saying he said “Don’t leave me UNTIL you go,” which only breaks my heart more! Also, I apparently can’t hear.

Back at the dream house, Meredith told Derek that Amelia wanted to stay — which was good, because he wanted his sister to take over his service so that they could move to D.C. Come again? Apparently he’d met with the POTUS and was offered a position with the NIH. If he moved, he could do the actual brain mapping himself. Also, he’d secured Meredith an attending position at James Madison hospital. He thought it should be their next step. But real talk: They can’t move, right? This show wouldn’t work with all that craziness. Losing Cristina is more than enough change!

What did you all think of the episode? And who is willing to come hold me during Cristina’s farewell next week? (Please don’t kill her, please don’t kill her.)