Grey's Anatomy recap: 'Idle Hands'

The ER on Grey’s Anatomy isn’t the only thing that’s back this week: I’ve taken over Tanner Stransky’s usual recap yet again, and although I don’t come with stylish new coffee sleeves, I’m also not nearly as expensive. I mean that in a very classy way, of course. But back to what’s important: The Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital was up and running last night!

This week, it seemed that Cristina, Meredith, Derek, Callie, Arizona, and Jackson had finally figured out their new roles at the hospital. First things first, Cristina used her new found power to buy her man Owen a little present in the form of a LODOX, a low-radiation, x-ray stat scanner, duh. Basically, it was able to perform full-body scans in just 13 seconds and was the best new edition to the ER, like, ever.

So while Owen was busy thanking Cristina for his new toy, Callie was, once again, feeling the repercussions of not being, you know, thanked…in a very long time. Despite the fact that Arizona purchased a new lifelike, high-heeled leg that made “her ass go pow,” according to Callie, Arizona wasn’t feeling particularly sexy and poor Callie looked like she was going to cry if she didn’t get a little loving, and soon. Thank goodness Mark Sloan — God rest his soul — wasn’t around to tempt her, am I right?

Back at the dream house, Derek was busy telling his unborn child about his fly fishing adventures in order to calm him or her down. It worked. But what it didn’t do was calm down Meredith, who was busy contemplating the millions of things that could be wrong with the couple’s unborn child. McDreamy assured her that everything was going to be fine, and that, even if their baby ended up being blind or deaf or both, Hey, even Helen Keller went to college. Nice one, Derek. But Mer took things a step further, with this comment: “If anybody’s going to have a baby with two heads, three arms, and eleven toes, it’s going to be me.” She was being ridiculous, obviously, but did that statement make the tiniest bit of sense to anyone else?

The next day, it was the official re-opening of the super fancy new ER. We’re talking iPads, touch screens on the wall, and let’s not forget about the glorious LODOX, which made Owen act like a little boy in a toy store…until he realized that it was going to be a slow day. Sprained ankles didn’t exactly merit a full-body scan, which meant that Owen’s favorite toy wasn’t getting played with, and he was quite pouty about it.

Cristina, however, was feeling good about what a particular magazine described as their “cutting edge, research-oriented hospital with an advanced level one trauma center” — that is, until she discovered that a man she went to school with had become a more successful heart surgeon than her. So she ran off to find a heart worth cutting into, and Meredith bugged Alex with her many conspiracy theories on what could be wrong with her child. The good news? If the baby had a heart defect, Cristina promised to fix it. What are best friends for, right?

NEXT: Alex punks Jo’s new boyfriend

Moving onto the many patients of the day, Alex discovered his 12-year-old cancer patient made for one heck of a wingman when Jo’s new boyfriend stopped by during an examination and asked to steal her away. To retaliate, Alex and his new sidekick paged Jo’s new boyfriend from various departments. The poor guy spent the whole day running around the hospital, right up until Richard discovered what Alex was up to. Luckily, Richard had a pretty good sense of humor, and he helped Alex take things to the next level, which involved Jo’s new beau attempting to hand Bailey a sample of his urine and, as a result, his life was threatened by the former Nazi. Natch.

Speaking of Bailey, she also spent the episode running around the hospital, but instead of delivering urine samples, she was trying to convince her former interns to support her pitch. Bailey wanted a genome lab, and finding the funding was something that the board members weren’t too keen on discussing. For one, they wanted to get back to being doctors. And then there was one tedious detail that affected Bailey’s plan: The doctors had already spent all their money on the new ER. At the end of the day, Bailey ended up pitching her idea to Meredith’s potentially deformed baby, and it worked. But only after Cristina let her competitive spirit take over.

In her search for an unhealthy heart, Cristina came across Dr. Russell, who clued her in on a super fancy trial that he was working on. After Russell allowed Cristina to perform a cutting-edge surgery, she was hooked. Well, until he asked her for $12 million dollars. It was then that she decided that she was going to use the fact that she was in charge to her advantage. Cristina stripped Russell’s funding and called an emergency board meeting, where they agreed to take those funds and help Bailey open her genome lab. And because of the sudden lack of funding in cardio, Cristina promised Russell that she could help with his surgeries and his trial. After all, one Cristina was worth at least four average doctors. Or so she said.

When Meredith wasn’t busy worrying about her fetus, she found the time to bond with her patient — a moving situation that found her treating a school teacher who discovered she had cancer. The only other thing distracting Mer from her many fears? April, who was contemplating breaking up with Matthew, because she really missed going to the “carnival,” which some adults apparently use as slang for sex. Basically, April discovered that because she had “ridden the rides” at the carnival, she wanted to keep going. But how could she do that without corrupting Matthew? I know how: Date Jackson! But — spoiler alert — she stuck with Matthew, because after a day of waiting, the docs finally got the chance to use the LODOX, and they realized that some things were worth the wait. But will sex with Matthew really be worth the wait? I mean, her first was Jackson Avery. And have you seen him? I’m just sayin’.

NEXT: Callie gets her wish

While I’m on the topic of Jackson, where was Stephanie this episode? Every other intern was accounted for, including Shane, who had to deal with the delicate (and sometimes dangerous) task of delivering difficult news to an upset parent during surgery. Although Derek ultimately had to save Shane from being physically assaulted by a distraught father, Shane learned something during his time with Derek — how to impersonate him. Is anyone else starting to really enjoy the relationship between this pair? Derek could use a little guy time in his life, especially after he spent his day assuring Meredith that their baby was fine. His final tactic in calming her down? No, he didn’t use the fly fishing story again — he took his paranoid wife to get a sonogram, where the beautiful couple found out that they were (spoiler!) having a boy! Please let him have Derek’s hair. Please.

As Derek and Meredith looked at their soon-to-be son, Callie also had a wish granted. After an emotional day in which Arizona allowed Callie — sorry — Dr. Torres to massage her leg for the first time, Arizona decided that Dr. Torres — sorry — Callie could continue the massage…in the bedroom. And you know who else was having sex? Jo and her new man. Well, he at least claimed that they were going to have sex, and in the bathroom of Joe’s bar of all places. Now that is true love.

The moral of the episode seemed to be: Idle time is important so we can focus on something other than work and get perspective so that we can discover, according to the voiceover, “where our hands truly belong.” For Meredith, where her hand truly belonged was interlaced with Derek’s. Awww.

Are you all feeling confident that this whole doctors-run-the-hospital plan is going to work? And how long do we have to wait before April revisits the carnival? Better yet, how long before Alex admits his feelings for Jo? And finally, what do you think about Derek and Meredith having a boy? Is the baby going to be OK, or was Meredith’s plan of fearing the worst really the best?

Samantha on Twitter: @samhighfill