The Vampire Diaries recap: The Memorial

When a show is famous for its last-minute twists, taking the time for a two-minute monologue in a cemetery is special — particularly when it’s Damon doing the talking and ghost Alaric shows up to listen. “I miss you, too, buddy,” Alaric said, as Damon walked away. Last year, when EP Julie Plec told us about moments on the show that made her cry, she spoke of a theme that has emerged in the series: “Being a supernatural creature, and specifically being an immortal, is in its own way the loneliest thing that you can be,” she said. “And all of our characters, in their own way, are being driven by the desire to not be alone.” That was never more clear than in this episode. Let’s dig in.

We opened with Damon and Stefan arguing over how baby vamp Elena should be raised: Damon thinks she needs to experience the blood lust to be able to control it and drink first from the vein; Stefan believes if he can get her hooked on animal blood first, he can save her 100 years of torment. Her compassion is heightened, so if she hurts someone, the pain will overwhelm her and she’ll turn off her humanity switch. “You name me a vampire who didn’t kill at least one person when they were new,” Stefan said. “You name me one who went on a bunny diet and didn’t kill dozens,” Damon answered. Good point. But Elena’s choice: A camping trip. She cried over drinking from Bambi, but the deer lived.

Oh, to be a tree in the woods of Mystic Falls. They get all the action. It used to be the walls that braced characters for hot supernatural sex on this show, but now it’s all about the trees. Stefan was trying to teach Elena how to work her vamp speed (didn’t she master that when she stopped Damon from killing Matt, and haven’t we seen the former cheerleader jogging?), but she couldn’t concentrate with his hands on her body. “What does it feel like?” he asked, standing behind her, caressing her arm. Note: You rewound this scene too many times if you started wishing he’d put her arm over her head like Patrick Swayze does Jennifer Grey’s in Dirty Dancing and run his fingertips down. “It feels like you’re touching every nerve on my body,” Elena said. “Everything is heightened. Taste, smell, sight, touch,” Stefan teased. Elena turned, he picked her up and pushed her against a tree, and it was on. Her hoodie was unzipped, his shirt came off. I assume this was the first time they were going to have sex since reuniting. Unfortunately, she had to stop. She sped away. And puked. Romantic!

Damon, meanwhile, was drowning his sorrows as he always does — by drinking. Only this time, Alaric wasn’t in the seat next to him at the Grill. Liz, now back in uniform because the Council is dead, asked Damon if he’d started the fire. Not his style, Liz. Enter Connor Jordan, the new vampire hunter we, the fans, have been hearing about. Of course he didn’t introduce himself as that. He’s an “independent contractor” investigating the fire. He’d checked out the house on Pastor Young’s cattle ranch, now he wanted to talk to Liz. The close-up on his gloved hand shaking Liz’s should’ve been a tipoff that he’d soaked the gloves in vervain to ID vamps. Liz and Connor walked away to chat, and the camera shot Damon at an angle that reminded us just how empty Alaric’s chair is.

At the school, Matt helped Jeremy load the paper lanterns the student council made to honor the dead after the memorial and talked pretty loudly about how Elena’s a vampire because of him so he wants to pay that back or forward. Maybe don’t talk about how she’s a vampire in the school parking lot, Matt. Start there. Also, you can wear a light blue Henley that complements your eyes every day instead of a dark one like the one you had on in that scene (his mourning Henley). April, the daughter of Pastor Young that Elena used to babysit, came up for an awkward conversation with the boys. She’s back from boarding school and enrolling at Mystic Falls. Welcome.

NEXT: Stefan gives a minor alcohol

Over at Salvatore Mansion, Elena tried to tell Stefan that Bambi’s blood made her sick, but he didn’t understand that she meant she didn’t keep any of it down. He said he choked animal blood down for a month, and it would get better. He wanted to celebrate her first feed with champagne. Vampires are so lucky that booze doesn’t taste disgusting to them like food does. Also, Stefan’s champagne is way better than the tequila shots Elena’s high school friends do. Maybe they would have had sex then if Damon hadn’t called to tell them about the fire. Elena met him at the Grill, and he refused to let her sit on his left, even though there was no one there. “Well, I’m just gonna pretend like there’s someone there because the alternative’s just too damn depressing,” he said. Ah. After she made him confirm he didn’t blow up the farmhouse for revenge, she told him about her digestive issues. He said to pick someone, but she didn’t want to hurt anyone. So he led her to the bathroom, locked the door, bit his hand, and told her to drink. Maybe it’d work, maybe it wouldn’t, but either way, he said, don’t tell Stefan because vampire blood-sharing is “kinda… personal.” He didn’t elaborate. She took his hand in her mouth and drank, long and hard. He held her in his arms, got shoved back against a wall (ahem), and caressed her head as they both looked pretty satisfied.

My colleague Nuzhat Naoreen and I had a lengthy discussion about what “kinda… personal” meant (at her cubicle, in the middle of the office). She thought the way they cut to Tyler and Caroline attempting to have grief sex insinuated that it was the equivalent of sex in the vampire world. I felt like if it was that serious, Damon and Stefan would have explained it as such. I asked Plec about it. Her response: “Well, it’s like vampire naked cuddling,” she said, laughing.

Back to Tyler and Caroline: He was a horny hybrid, and she felt guilty for getting busy when a bunch of people had died. “If we stopped having sex every time somebody died in this town, we’d explode,” he argued. She wanted them to be more sensitive. Watch those hands, sir. “Oh, come one,” he pleaded. “I love you. How’s that for sensitive?” She told him she loved him, too. Smooth, Tyler. Why can no one have sex this season?! They got interrupted when the doorbell rang. It was Connor there to see the mayor to talk about what he was already deeming a coverup. He didn’t need an invite to barge in, so he’s not a vampire who somehow built up a vervain tolerance. Tyler came down the stairs (shirt nearly on already, boo) when he heard Connor grilling his mother on why she wasn’t with those 12 Council members. Connor shook Tyler’s hand, and when Tyler reacted to the vervain, he shot him multiple times. He had to reload, so Tyler was able to get up and jump through a window. Caroline really should have dressed in vamp speed, no? By the time she hit the stairs, Connor was gone. Stefan removed the specially carved wooden bullets that would’ve killed Tyler if he hadn’t been a hybrid. They had etchings on them and burned to Stefan’s touch.

At the memorial for the Council members, Matt said what we were all thinking: Elena didn’t have to volunteer. But because she’s known the Council members her whole life, she thought she had to. (I think if people try to kill your friends, you’re off the hook. But with her heightened compassion, okay.) Elena sat down with April, who she last saw at her own parents’ funeral. April was nervous because the kids who lost someone were all allowed to speak, but she didn’t know what to say since people probably blamed her father for not repairing the “faulty” gas line. If she didn’t speak about him, maybe no one would. She said she and her father hadn’t always gotten along — why, I wonder — but everyone deserves something nice said about them at their funeral. Everyone spoke at her mother’s funeral. (So she’s an orphan, just like Elena and Jeremy…) Elena touched April’s wrist to comfort her and felt the veins. She had to excuse herself — and go projectile vomit in both the toilet and sink in the church bathroom. So Damon’s blood didn’t work. And p.s., she drank A LOT of it. How long were they in that bathroom at the Grill?

NEXT: Stefan visits Bonnie

Did Elena call Stefan? No. He’d gone to see Bonnie to ask her about the bullets. Seeing how depressed she looked when she finally answered the door, Stefan immediately hugged her when she invited him in. Stefan being a sweetheart to Elena’s girlfriends gets me every time, but Paul Wesley looks like he gives especially good hugs. Bonnie dissolved into tears. They went back into the living room, and she told him what happened, that it seemed like Grams was dying all over again because Bonnie hadn’t listened to her about stopping the dark magic. “The witches are probably just messing with your head, trying to teach you a lesson,” Stefan said. It didn’t matter: It worked. Trying a basic nature spell that morning to clear her head just brought it all back, like it was happening again. After she let the viewers know she’s blown off Jamie because of this depression (so we don’t expect to see him anytime soon), she asked Stefan why he’d come. She assumed he needed something because he’s not a “drop by kinda guy.” He offered to wait, but she insisted. He took out the bullets. Those weren’t magical drawings on them.

Elena had phoned Damon to bring her a new dress because she’d ruined her pretty pink lace one. She told him to hurry. Someone was at the bathroom door — Connor, naturally. She yelled that it was occupied and got back to cleaning up the blood. Good thing the bathroom hadn’t run out of paper towels like church basement restrooms are prone to do. Damon must’ve heard about Connor’s gloves. When Connor extended his hand and introduced himself, Damon just smirked. “Damon, germaphobe,” he said. They made thinly veiled small talk until Elena emerged. She’d packed all the bloody paper towels in her purse and changed into a black dress (which frankly, was more appropriate for a memorial and a new vampire with a sensitive stomach). Damon should have brought her some makeup, too. The girl was looking pretty pale.

While Connor was busy stabbing April with a stake as she practiced her speech in the balcony, Damon and Elena went outside and hid behind a tree so she could drink from a blood bag. Not the safest location, guys. She spit the blood right up. Was her body rejecting the change because she’s a doppelgänger, and she’s dying? Or did she just need to drink straight from the human vein? She wouldn’t risk killing someone. Maybe she’s better off dead, she said. Damon told her not to think like that. She’d be okay. And there was a Delena moment again, with him caressing her face. The love triangle is alive and well, my friends.

Elena went back inside as the church bell rang, and Stefan arrived in time to see Damon picking up the dropped blood bag THAT ANYONE ELSE STANDING BEHIND STEFAN COULD HAVE SEEN, TOO. “Mid-service snack. Church always gets me hungry. The whole blood of Christ thing, you know,” Damon cracked. Stefan thought it was just Damon desperate to get his way, but then Damon told him Elena was starving — she couldn’t even keep his blood down. That was a big enough bombshell to warrant a music cue.

Seriously, Elena, GO HOME. Instead, she stumbled into the service and took a seat by Matt. Tyler and Caroline were sitting in the second to last row. They were braving the hunter because they were being sensitive to the community’s loss, and also so if he showed himself, Caroline could kick his ass. When April didn’t step up to say a few words about her father, Elena felt obligated to go up. Damon made his memorable entrance then, blessing himself with holy water. “I don’t know why that always makes me smile,” he said. He sat down next to Stefan and noted that Elena wasn’t looking good. Stefan cracked a “bite me” joke. Easy, yes, but still funny coming from Mr. Serious Face.

Connor was in the balcony with his loaded shotgun, just waiting for someone to react to the blood April was spilling — and dripping. Damon told them not to move, it was a trap. Stefan escorted Elena off the pulpit just as her eyes were starting to vamp out. It looked like she was just really, really upset. He held her close to him as they all stood to not sing a hymn. Matt asked what was happening, and Stefan said Elena hadn’t fed in days. Matt asked why Stefan couldn’t just walk Elena out. (Matt is the voice of the people!) Because they were being watched, Stefan said. Damon wanted to go rip Connor’s head off, but Stefan said he’d be risking exposing them all. Elena said she was losing it. With Damon ready to go old-fashion on Connor, Matt decided it was time to “earn it.” He told Elena she could feed on him. It’d just look like he was holding her to comfort her. Stefan passed her to Matt, and she bit his neck. The girl has amazing self-control for a baby vamp. She didn’t let it go on too long. I wish that could have been sexy, but they’re in a church in front of her boyfriend and backup boyfriend — so it wasn’t. She thanked Matt. But there was another problem. She could still smell the blood, and now she knew it must be from April. She wanted to go help her, but Stefan said they still couldn’t risk it.

Tyler, god bless him, went up to the pulpit and interrupted the hymn to say a few words about Pastor Young. He started talking about how Pastor Young taught him what it means to be on a team, to be part of a community, to give yourself up for the sake of — nope, he didn’t get to finish the thought. Tyler knew Connor would shoot him, which would clear the church. “I’m gonna kill that bastard,” Tyler said after Caroline pulled the stake out. Damon was already on it. He severely underestimated Connor, who shot Damon a few times to weaken him, and then flipped him. He probably could have staked Damon if he hadn’t fled when he heard Stefan coming. “Ow,” Damon said. Stefan reached down to offer Damon a hand up, and instead raised him just enough to punch him back down. I like jealous Stefan! Damon asked him what that was for. “You know what,” Stefan said. Hint: It wasn’t for outing them to Connor.

NEXT: Elena knows just what to say to April

Elena went to April to help her, but all the blood made her want to bite her. Caroline got there just in time to remind Elena that she’d kill April if she fed on her now. April’s her friend, not a warm body. She’s an orphan, just like Elena, and she’s scared, Caroline said. Elena quickly calmed down — maybe it’s her heightened sense of compassion that will keep her from ever draining anyone? — and Caroline fed April her blood to save her. Now, April needed to be compelled to forget all this. Here’s the thing: Remember when Stefan wasn’t sure he was strong enough to compel Jeremy to forget that he witnessed Vicki’s vampire death outside the Halloween dance in season 1? Are we sure Elena was nourished enough on the sip of Matt for this to stick? Will April remember parts of this later? Anyway, Caroline made Elena do it because she had to learn how. Elena told April she’d get through this, just like she had, and that she’d help her. She told her that she’d watched the service in the balcony so she could grieve alone and people said really nice things about her father. We didn’t hear how she explained all the blood on her dress, but we assume she got to that. Perhaps a simple, “You won’t notice the blood on your dress or body, even if someone points it out to you.”

Damon and Matt were at the Grill debating what the coverup would be for Tyler getting shot when Connor — not wearing his gloves, so he must feel confident he’s identified all the vampires in town — noticed Matt had a bandage on his neck. Matt laughed it off as his girlfriend having gone a little overboard. Jeremy saw a large tattoo on Connor’s right hand and arm. I presume the symbols on the back of the hand were the ones on the bullets. But the forearm art: Snakes? Dragons? Vines? The hair of Rapunzel? Your guess is as good as mine. “Nice ink,” Jeremy told him. One problem: Matt didn’t see any ink. Neither did we. My thoughts: The vampires should have given the humans a visual description of the new hunter in town. And Connor’s tattoo must have something to do with ghosts if Jeremy’s able to see it, right? Since Jeremy started seeing ghosts after the witch spirits told Bonnie there’d be consequences for her doing dark magic, does Connor have something to do with the dark side? Or are the ghosts of “good” witches using him as their new weapon against Klaus and Co.? Maybe Connor is a vampire hunter who’s been reincarnated again and again?

He went home to his RV and extensive Mystic Falls research material that includes a list of Council members and read the letter Paster Young had written to April. He referred to the Council’s deaths as “a necessary sacrifice” and “the first of many more sacrifices to come.” He said, “There’s always been an evil that spread through Mystic Falls, but now a greater one is coming. My death is but the first in the war ahead.” So if the evil that’s always been in Mystic Falls is vampires, what’s the greater one? Is he referring to Klaus? Connor? The dark magic Bonnie’s tapped into? Something else?

Back at Salvatore Mansion, Stefan was again giving alcohol to a minor, this time because it will help with the cravings. He’s mad because Elena lied to him about how she was handling the blood and went to Damon for help. “You fed on him, Elena. You fed on him. I know that may not mean that much to you, but it means a lot to me, and I know it certainly meant a lot to Damon,” he said. Elena said she hadn’t wanted to hurt Stefan, who was happy when things were going well. Then she started crying. And complaining about how much she was crying. She feels like her life’s a never-ending funeral, and she can’t stop feeling everyone’s grief, and it feels like it’s trying to explode out of her. This, Stefan does understand.

He called everyone to the school grounds so they could light the paper lanterns they never got to because the memorial had ended abruptly. They’re much prettier at night anyway. Stefan thinks they have to let themselves grieve (as the Fray’s “Ungodly Hour” plays). One by one, they stated who they’d each lost since the series began.

Damon wouldn’t do it. He left. Elena went last, and included herself. It was a sweet moment and a pretty visual, but I didn’t tear up. Yet.

Damon was grieving in his own way — drinking at Alaric’s grave and doing a lengthy monologue. “You know what they are? Children. Like lighting a candle’s gonna make everything okay, or even saying a prayer, or pretending Elena’s not gonna end up just like the rest of us murderous vampires. Stupid, delusional, exasperating little children.” He knew what Alaric would say — it makes them feel better. “What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer [we see ghost Alaric sitting in the graveyard] is not gonna make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be and a rock with a birthdate carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong. [Alaric laughs.] So, thanks, friend. Thanks for leaving me here to babysit, because I should be long gone by now. I didn’t get the girl, remember? I’m just stuck here fighting with my brother and taking care of the kids. You owe me big.” Damon set the bottle down on Alaric’s tombstone, giving the bottle a little pat that said of course he missed Alaric. As Damon walked away, Alaric said, “I miss you, too, buddy.” That’s the line that got me. You?

Your turn.

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Read more: To hear when we’ll find out the meaning of Connor’s tattoo and get teases for next week’s episode, check out our latest interview with Plec here.