The Vampire Diaries recap: 'Death and the Maiden'

Much like Stefan, I’m not exactly sure how to move on with my life after that last hour. I, too, want to lie in the woods and cry, preferably while Stefan himself holds me. So while I try and wrap my head around what just happened (and the fact that Stefan will never hold me while I cry because he’s fictional), a quick explanation: Your lovely TVD recapper, Mandi Bierly, is on vacation, where she’s either enjoying a cocktail right at this moment, or crying her eyes out. It all depends on whether she watched tonight’s episode. Speaking of which, ’tis time for me to assume the role of Tessa and give you all a crazy trip down a fairly painful (but also incredibly fun) memory lane of what happened tonight:

The episode kicked things off with what was literally my favorite opening of any episode of TVD ever… right behind that one time Stefan growled. At a bus stop in Delaware Philly, Silas sat alone with a couple, where he told them all about how he loved love. He talked about Amara and how it was love at first sight and how he had cheated on Qetsiyah. He even calmly explained how Qetsiyah then turned Amara into stone, “literally, Medusa-style.” And when the couple thought he was crazy, what with all the turn-to-stone and 2,000-year talk, he informed them that it was actually a simple story. See, he and Amara were both immortal. Duh, strangers. Could a man that pretty be that crazy? He then decided to give the lovebirds some advice: Live it up and enjoy love while it lasts. Just a couple days ago, Silas was “psychic, immortal, and in love.” Now? His neck hurts, his soul is crushed, and he’s sitting at a bus stop. And then, because he could, Silas started to “liquify” the poor fella’s internal organs — did he mention he’s a witch? — because he was pissed at the world and taking it out on them. And when the girl ran away and left her bleeding boyfriend, Silas had proved his point. “Love is so damn fickle,” unlike buses, which are “tried and true.” Silas climbed aboard. Between the music and Paul Wesley’s delivery, that scene was as close to perfection as you can get.

However, not all things were so perfect. Stefan — back in a wifebeater! — woke up from a nightmare that was called reliving the past three months of his life. Elena was waiting by his bedside with coffee. Had she brewed it in his room? If so, could his room get any cooler? Elena told him how she lost a friend when he lost his memory, so she wanted to start over. But that didn’t exactly work for Stefan, considering he could suddenly remember everything. He told her that before Silas stabbed him, he had planned to drive to Portland. And to prove that Portland wasn’t all he remembered, Damon spent the next 30 seconds quizzing him on childhood memories and the origin of his motorcycle (which Damon bought for him!). But Stef remembered it all, from his first birthday cake to drowning in that safe. And just like that, he flashed back to the moment the safe was opened. Losing himself, he broke the super cool glass mug he was holding. Luckily, he healed fast, because they had a situation on their hands “of the doppelganger variety.” Aren’t they all?

Damon took Stefan to meet crazy pants Amara, who was yelling at people we couldn’t see and attempting to bite her own wrist and end her life. Damon told Stefan that Silas was on his way back for his lady love, a.k.a. the screaming Amara who had gone crazy like “those deserted island guys that talk to volleyballs.” Best line of the night? Damon: “Let’s hope love is blind. Or at least deaf.” And while we’re talking about love, Jeremy had three things he wanted to tell Bonnie before anything else went wrong with their many plans. First, this was not a goodbye. Second, he thanked her for giving up her life for his. And third, well, she didn’t want to hear the third thing so that they’d have to get another moment together in the future. Not quite how it works, but it was sweet. Then they almost-touched, and I have to admit — I’m pretty over the almost-touching, and I’m not even in the relationship.

NEXT: Who let Jeremy come up with a plan to save Bonnie?

Back at college, Dr. Maxfield informed Katherine that her blood work was normal. The answer to her question was simply that she was aging. Time was catching up to her, and when you factor in more than 500 years of life trying to run its incredibly unnatural course, it wasn’t surprising to reveal she’d be dead in a matter of months. So as Katherine panicked over not having enough time, Silas was enjoying his many hours on the open road. Damon was surprised when the big bad witch answered his own phone. Damon asked about his secretary, to which Silas responded, “They prefer ‘administrative assistants’ now, thank you very much.” It was a little something Silas had picked up on the bus. So have I mentioned yet how much I love Silas?! Well, you’re going to hear more of it, because he went on to discuss the joys of having what Damon called an “everyman crisis,” which meant worrying about $3 gas instead of an mentally unhinged lover. And much to Damon’s dislike, Silas had decided that if Amara wanted to die, he would put her out of her misery and spend the rest of eternity in the afterlife with her. As for the metaphorical handshake that ensured he’d bring Bonnie back? Silas decided he’d rather watch Damon fail Elena and let destiny work its magic on the doppelgangers. That was harsh, Si. Even for you.

After trying to get Jesse on the phone, Caroline bumped into Nadia at school, where she learned that “even Katherine’s friends are bitches.” Nadia tried to explain that she wasn’t a friend, but Katherine jumped in and claimed Nadia was her hairstylist. Caroline walked away, but Nadia was not in the mood. Katherine’s “scary vampire daughter” was pissed. She wanted to know why Katherine abandoned her again. Katherine tried to explain how estrangement was simply easier, but harsh truths weren’t going over so well… not even in Mystic falls, where poor Elena was trying to buy some time to protect Amara. Damon explained that Silas was a “living, breathing GPS tracking device,” and when she turned to the more sensitive Salvatore for help, Stefan wasn’t in the mood either. Harsh truths all around! He told her that she put her hope in the wrong places and sometimes in the wrong people — Damon dig? Silas put Stefan in that quarry, so he wouldn’t hold his breath for Silas’ help. Pun intended. Stefan had a better plan. He needed to kill Silas.

However, the vamps of Mystic Falls weren’t the only ones capable of coming up with a plan. While giving Amara her sandwich of a dinner, Jeremy and Bonnie discovered that Amara, being the anchor to the other side, could see and interact with both the living and the dead. She essentially had a foot on each side and could exist in both places at one. She actually wasn’t crazy. She just couldn’t tell the difference between the living and the dead — so this means the Salvatore’s have way too many dead supernatural beings in their basement, but that’s beside the point. Jeremy wanted to make Bonnie the new anchor. That way, Amara could die, Bonnie could be back(ish), and everyone would be okay. This is where I start screaming, “Does it not worry anyone that being the anchor literally drove Amara mad and made her suicidal?!”

But before they thought that far ahead, Damon knocked on Tessa’s front door. She was hoping for Chinese food, but what she got was much yummier (even if she didn’t appreciate it). Second best line of the night? Damon again: “You remember Amara, right? Brunette. Brown eyes. I’m surprisingly not in love with her.” Damon caught her up on all the happenings, and in a matter of seconds, Tessa had forgotten all about Chinese food and instead, was ready to shoot fireballs at Silas and drown him in acid. Her words, not mine. That woman was maaaad.

NEXT: How many doppelgangers does it take to make a new anchor?

After learning Stefan’s plan, Elena was worried that Stefan would get himself killed by going after Silas. But if Stefan didn’t get to kill him, Silas would win. Stefan told her about moments of stillness in the safe, in the time that he was dead and just before he would come back to life, when he thought about things that made him happy (the cuddling!), things that gave him hope and kept him from switching off his humanity switch. He explained how, eventually, the pain took away even those moments. Every time he closed his eyes now, he relived those three months, and if he didn’t kill Silas and make it stop, he’d lose his mind or flip his switch… or both.

With Tessa in on the Bonnie-as-the-anchor plan, she said she needed doppelganger blood. Caroline happily snatched Katherine away from Nadia, and everyone reconvened at the Salvatore mansion, where Tessa won me over: “You live in this giant mansion with two doppelgangers that are destined to end up together? I swear there’s a sitcom in there somewhere.” No, but there is one hell of a drama. In the Salvatore dungeon, Tessa visited the “ancient boyfriend-stealing bitch,” “the face that launched a thousand doppelgangers.” Amara apologized, and told Tessa that she had won. She begged for Tessa to kill her. Again I say, “Do we want this for Bonnie, people?! There are red flags everywhere!”

Still ignoring my declarations, Katherine finally met Tessa. In exchange for her blood, Katherine asked for Tessa’s help with a little anti-aging spell. Tessa agreed. Now just grab “Tweedledee and Tweedledum,” and it’s time for some magic! Amara, Katherine, Elena, and Tessa all stood around Bonnie’s grimoire (a talisman) as Tessa cut their palms and started chanting. Talk about a doppelgangerpalooza! This was fun … until Silas showed up and knocked the power out. (Sidenote: Was this a new room of the Salvatore house?!)

After finding a flashlight, Damon realized that both of Silas’ exes were gone. Tessa had gone to find Silas, who politely asked, “You haven’t seen the love of my life running around here by any chance, have you?” Tessa said she hadn’t and attempted to throw some things at him with her magic. Two thousand years later, and she simply wasn’t wired to let things go. Silas felt sorry for her. Hateful vengeance is for people without real love. He stabbed her with a poker from the Salvatores’ second favorite fireplace. She told him she loved him. His cocky/perfect response? “Yeah well, get in line.” Just then, Stefan called his shadow self and informed him that he had Amara. So while Silas went to face the younger Salvatore, we learned a new fact: People who have taken the cure can’t be healed by vampire blood.

In the woods, Silas and Amara had a teary-eyed, heartfelt reunion. She still loved him, but she couldn’t live any longer. He understood. Just as he went to cut her throat, Stefan showed up. He shoved Silas against a tree and started choking him. I had two thoughts: 1) Nina Dobrev and Paul Wesley were truly amazing in that scene. I did not at all feel like I was watching Stefan and Elena. 2) Was that the same tree Stefan and Elena had sex against?

Back to business. Silas gave Stefan a witchy migraine before really hurting him with words. After comparing being in stone for 2,000 years against being in a safe for three months — men and their competitiveness, amirite? — Silas hit Stefan where it hurt by saying the safe was the easy part. It was being forgotten about that was the real torture. And just as my heart felt as if it had been stabbed, Silas’ literally was. Stefan threw Silas’ own knife at him and killed the big bad witch.

Elena, as if she had just overheard Stefan’s thoughts, told Damon to go find Stefan because he wasn’t thinking right. Silas might have put him in that safe, “but we were the ones who were supposed to get him out of it.” But before Damon could stop her, Amara pulled the knife out of Silas and promised him that their eternity just started. She stabbed herself. And when her body rejected Damon’s vampire blood (per my earlier fun fact), Damon sat there as she died. You have to give it to the guy. Amara was having such a moment, being all, “I’ve been in hell for 2,000 years,” and Damon still didn’t quit: “What’s another five minutes?” I love that man.

NEXT: As I lay dying…

As Amara was dying, Tessa was trying to finish the spell. Just in time, Bonnie came to say goodbye to Jeremy and asked him to tell her the third thing. He said that he loved her. She loved him too. He went to touch her face, and — WAIT — he could feel her. The spell had worked! For some reason, that moment did nothing for me emotionally, but Bonnie turning to see Caroline and Elena — yep, that made the tears flow. And of course, Caroline was already planning their rooming situation at college. Bonnie’s back! And although I’m not surprised, I’m crying more tears of joy than I expected.

Minutes later, by the Salvatore fire that has to have something magical about it that makes people horny, Bonnie looked at Jeremy like he was meat on a stick (which he is), and they started making out. Meanwhile, at the less-sexual Salvatore fire in the library, Tessa advised Katherine to try a drugstore for anti-aging cream. Tessa had won, and now Silas was waiting for her on the other side. She slit her wrists, fell to her knees and claimed, “True love prevails. Universe be damned.” Should someone have told her true love goes both ways? That woman was crazy even in death. However, could that statement be foreshadowing for Delena? If so, is that a good thing or a really, really bad thing?

Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for! Samantha was right all along! After Tessa died, she appeared to Bonnie, where she explained that, as the anchor, every dead supernatural being has to pass through Bonnie to get to the other side. And every time that happens, Tessa explained, “That’s gonna hurt like a bitch.” Honestly people. What did we expect?!

And now, just because my feels couldn’t feel anything more, Elena found Stefan digging Silas’ grave in the woods. She felt the need to continue to be naive and ask if killing Silas fixed him. Yes, Elena, much like Bonnie being the new anchor is going to be all rainbows and butterflies! Okay, I’ll cut her some slack considering she was feeling guilty and caring about Stefan. She needed to know that he was going to be okay, because while he was suffering for the past three months, she was finally getting her summer of happiness. She needed to know that killing Silas would take away his pain. All he could say was that he had wanted it to be her … when that safe finally opened and somebody found him. “I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be both of you,” he said as Damon appeared. I honestly don’t think sadder words have ever been spoken on the show. I don’t have a heart anymore, because Stefan just ripped it from my chest.

One final matter of business: With Bonnie back, Katherine was out of the dorm. Nadia offered for her to come back to Prague. They could go to Bulgaria and enjoy a mother-daughter bonding trip (which Caroline overheard). But Katherine said she didn’t want to know Nadia. She was doing her a favor, so she told her daughter to take a good look “cause you’re never going to see me again.” And just as Katherine disappeared from Nadia’s life, Stefan’s nightmares returned to his. Killing Silas hadn’t taken away his pain. “It’s supposed to be over,” he said. And just like that, my tears have returned, and I’m back to lying down in the woods (preferably in the arms of a fictional Salvatore with picture-perfect hair).

So, if you can pick your hearts up off the floor, what did you guys think of this episode? Equal parts hilarious and heartbreaking right? The writers are really on point this season. And I have to say, I’m INCREDIBLY sad Silas is dead. Next to Elijah, he was kind of my all-time favorite. Who do you think will be in more pain next week — Stefan or Bonnie? More lighthearted question: Which doppelganger is Tweedledum, and which one is Tweedledum?