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- [after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends]
- Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
- Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
- Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!
- [after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends]
- Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
- Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
- Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!
- Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
- Bart Simpson: Did your imaginary friend try to kill you?
- Milhouse Van Houten: No, Walter's been cool.
- Bart Simpson: Since he's been back, Milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo. It's always a party with that guy.
- Homer Simpson: [Upon hearing of Apu and Manjula's wedding anniversary] That's great! I'm honoured to drink to Apu and uh... Apulina!
- Homer Simpson: [after a woman gives him money thinking he is a beggar] Five bucks? I don't need your charity. I'll dance for my money!
- [Begins to dance while humming a belly dancing theme]
- Bart Simpson: I'm going to hit you so hard, it'll kill your family.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart, you are my family.
- Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] Oh my God, my brother's my best friend!
- Marge Simpson: [Thinking] Diamonds! I can't believe he bought me diamonds!
- Homer Simpson: [Thinking whilst looking in the mirror] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest one of all?