The Review Nebula

“Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting!” – Judge Harm. Arguably the mantra of some Simpsons fans, not that they’ve taken it up… for obvious reasons.

Airdate: November 11, 2001

Written By: George Meyer and, apropos, Mike Scully

Plot: Bart and Milhouse find themselves on the wrong side of the law after getting into Wiggum’s patrol car… and driving it around. And crashing it. Milhouse manages to escape punishment thanks to a very lenient Judge Snyder. However, Bart winds up on the wrong end of Judge Constance Harm, who throws Homer in the mix after finding out he dumped the kids out of his car en route to school. He orders the duo tethered together.

Review:

And now we face the final curtain.

For the past seven years, I have posted ramblings of varying lengths and quality regarding every episode of the Mike Scully era of The Simpsons. I have watched the greatest series of all time implode and settle into episodes that were generally mediocre at best, and downright odious at worst. Why did I do this?

Morbid curiosity, I guess. So much has been written about the general decline of The Simpsons, I figured a bit-by-bit analysis of the showrunner era said to have signaled the fall from grace would be an interesting project. Whether or not it was in execution, I’ll let you decide.

But for now, we have one more episode. One that I briefly withheld partially because it was the last production episode of Mike Scully’s tenure. “The Blunder Years” was the last aired, and “How I Spent My Strummer Vacation” was a one-off return at the end of Production Season 13. But here, we get a big one to finish us off – a Scully-penned episode at the end of Scully’s last production season.

By all accounts, this is the end of an era.

And I’m more than happy to not stall further. Let’s dive into “The Parent Rap”.

Well… how does this era end? Well, it’s probably a good sign when the chalkboard gag itself reads “Nobody Reads These Anymore”. And this, my friends, is why I saved this episode for last – one could make the argument that this was intended to be an overall series finale in case FOX decided to wrap it up. At the very least, it can be interpreted as the demarcation point, the end of an era.

In short, the law finally catches up to Homer for his poor parenting. Apparently. The whole concept, admittedly, is set up amusingly enough given that he kicks Bart and Milhouse out of his car to chase a radio station van to win $40. A bit crude in how it depicts Homer, but nothing too outrageous. Unfortunately, things go south as soon as Bart and Milhouse are hauled into a court for joyriding in and crashing a police cruiser. It’s not that which drives me up the wall, it’s more the implication that being hauled into family court is the only thing that connects them as a unit. Not a fan – the family always came off as a subversion of the old-school families seen on The Cosby Show and Family Ties, but this just felt a bit too cynical a step. (And Marge saying this… really, Marge? The Simpson family have individual personalities, guys.)

Anyway, the conflict comes from Bart expecting a light touch from Justice Snyder. Yeah, Justice Snyder providing a light touch. I honestly don’t see where they came from this route – he always came off as a rather straightforward justice, never particularly callous or lenient. In fact, he’s probably the most competent official in Springfield. This concept that he’s willing to let young troublemakers go loose just doesn’t flow with his character. I get they were trying to take a stab at the “boys will be boys” aura, but it doesn’t fit the show’s narrative.

Even so, it falls apart quickly as Snyder ducks out for his vacation. (How convenient, it’s not like they could’ve had him absent beforehand or had him leave in between the two cases.) Enter Judge Constance Harm. And now, time for me to fess up… I almost don’t dislike this character.

I do, but I almost don’t.

Jane Kaczmarek (of Malcolm in the Middle fame) manages to sell the character at her introduction as a hardass, but one with a somewhat understandable rationale. (It doesn’t stick, but still.) She’s not wrong in condemning Homer for his rather pathetic parenting. Honestly, given his behavior the past few seasons, I almost want to root for her to deliver a rather stern sentence. Unfortunately, the show saw fit to mess that up, as well.

Ergo, Bart and Homer are tethered together. And this is where the episode goes from “plausible albeit flawed” to “consistently boneheaded”. In the span of two minutes.

Let’s break this down here. I get that Homer was punished for dumping his kid by being tethered to his child indefinitely, and Bart the same for his antics involving the police cruiser. But perpetually tethering Homer and Bart together surely presents logistical issues that would push this over the threshold of “cruel and unusual punishment”. Indeed, even on paper, it seems that way. The writers were probably going for over-correction, and ironically, they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. This punishment transforms Harm into a less interesting character by making her almost cartoonishly antagonistic. I’m fine with stories taking clear perspectives on moral issues, but this sends it over the edge.

And it’s not like the story does anything fun or interesting with the whole “Bart and Homer get tethered together” aspect, either. I mean, this is something that impacts their daily lives, and what do we get? Homer screaming about cobras in his sleep during class, getting pelted with glass and rocks during baseball (because I so want to see Homer bleed from his face), somehow picnicking with Bart on top of the cooling tower, and having Bart wait outside while Homer gets drunk at Moe’s Tavern. There’s very little insight when it comes to society or character dynamics – just easy and occasionally nonsensical gags, and occasionally, shock humor.

Jerkass Homer is on full display (and it’s not even his peak yet), Bart isn’t that much better, and the end result is that I’m interested in nobody’s character path. That is, if there was a clear character path – it shifts from scene to scene, with Bart and Homer going from “resentment” to “friendly” to “hating one another” rapidly. It’s possible to showcase the complexities of this situation, but the way this episode showcases events, they’re just random turns of events, characterizations that fit the joke for that scene. It’s aimless, it’s dull.

Things reach a head when the tethering leads to the realization that Homer and Marge can’t get it on, despite the former’s attempts. Homer and Bart begin to attack one another, and Marge loses her patience, takes a knife, and cuts the tether. Alright, my question is why Marge would be willing to end this punishment. Neither party here is particularly sympathetic. (Homer tried to engage in coitus with Marge while his son was in the room, Bart all but began to whip Homer with the tether much to the latter’s realistic agony.) I buy that Marge wanted peace, and this punishment was already stupid as is, but wouldn’t she go for other paths to end the madness?

I mean, it’s not like breaking the tether is going to set off an alarm and get Marge thrown in legal trouble, right?

Surprisingly, no. What happens is much stupider.

Judge Harm: (voice) “Don’t celebrate too much!”
Homer: “Ya-wha-what?”
Bart: “Who said that?”
(Marge screams and points at the tether. Homer looks inside only to see a mini-screen projecting the face of…)
Judge Harm: “That’s right! It’s me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics!”

And then she gets so livid at Marge and Homer’s attempts to explain the situation (read, Harm thinks that Marge is going to attack her with a knife) that the tether literally catches fire.

I don’t think I have to explain what the hell is wrong here. This goes beyond coincidence and crashes straight into the same nonsensical territory that gave us the Jockey Elves and the magical self-reviving alligator. And the fact that this can easily be surpassed by those two episodes (plus several others) in the “stupidest plot twists” department is not a good sign.

We still have an act left.

Marge refuses to give the judge any sort of leniency of her own, calling her out as a power-hungry bully. She’s right, of course, but I feel like this would’ve been more impactful as the episode’s climax. During this, Bart tries to maintain his own sob stories (“I’m a latchkey kid”), and actually gets ignored by this hanging judge for reasons unknown. Wasn’t he the kid who stole the cruiser in the first place? Apparently, she’s focused on the parents… especially Homer, who’s willing to throw his wife under the bus to get off easily. Our hero, everybody. What a standup guy.

Thankfully, it fails… because the duo are put in stocks and forced to face corporal punishment by drivers in town.

Alright, I get that the writers were probably aiming to see the judge going mad with power during her time on the bench, but a) there’s barely a difference in attitude between Harm’s original appearance and her reappearance (maybe you can see her as somewhat angrier here than at the beginning, but she was already a harsh justice), and b) The Simpsons used to have some grounds in reality, up to and including the legal system. America might have a rather… interesting reputation when it comes to the law (we’re the only developed Western nation to have capital punishment on the books), but really, putting Homer and Marge in stocks indefinitely and having them publicly humiliated? Remember when this show was smart when it came to ripping apart American justice? This is broad, moronic, and just unfunny.

And, again, it’s not like I can root for the Simpsons here, either. The protagonists are unlikeable, the antagonist is rather uninteresting, at this point, you’re running out the clock.

So stupid is this that Marge decides to enact revenge against Judge Harm (yes, Marge wants revenge, even she’s fallen to the zany scheme aura, who cares about her parenting anymore), and she and Homer manage to break out of their stocks without alerting the authorities. So your tether-cuffs have magical cameras, but your stocks… don’t? At least the Jockey Elves were a constant presence through the back half of “Saddlesore’s” third act!

Their plans for revenge include posting a “Big Meanie” banner on Judge Harm’s houseboat. Ah, yes, petty revenge, like that’s going to get your sentence overturned. Come on, Marge, you’re supposed to be the smart one. Also, why does she live in a houseboat? Because once her guard seal (yes) alerts her to their presence, Homer finds it fit to throw a cinder block in her direction, only for it to miss and tear a hole in her house, causing it to sink.

Congratulations, “area code suicide attack attempt“. You have competition on “Jerkass Homer’s felony list”. What a way for the Scully era to end than having our protagonist attempt murder and manage to completely destroy a woman’s life via a zany scheme that barely makes any sense and defies the ethos of other characters?

At least this time, he almost gets punished for it? Come on, I’m grasping at straws. Judge Harm is understandably livid and, overseeing the ensuring trial (can that even happen) orders Homer and Marge sent down until “frogs do fractions”. Really, I don’t blame her for wanting to put Homer away for life. When you attempt murder out of petty revenge, any hopes of you as a relatable protagonist are done. Even if his intent was to sink the houseboat or scare Harm, that’s grand property damage and attempted assault, respectively. I think a long sentence is in order.

But that’s ignored because Bart tries to take the rap for his own misbehavior and the crimes of Homer and Marge, remember that part of the episode? (And why would anybody blame him for his father almost killing a judge?) Harm proceeds to shove aside Homer and Marge’s grand felonies and condemn Bart to Juvie for five years, and I’ve got nothing. But wait! Snyder comes back, unseats Harm, and takes over and overturns the sentences, dismissing the case and letting the Simpsons walk free.

Why?

Smeg if I know. As far as I’m concerned, the writers ran out of script here, and they needed to wrap it up. Either way, they get away with it thanks to sheer luck. Tension? Character development? Who cares!

Somehow, this managed to be even more technically and structurally incompetent than “How I Spent my Strummer Vacation”. (And before you ask, I am grading this one.) The plot is utterly incoherent, the comedy is utterly dire, characterization is so far off base, the antagonist isn’t much better, the third act is baffling, the impact is utterly nihil… “The Parent Rap” is a misfire on almost every level.

There are episodes in the Scully era that I dislike more. Indeed, there are some good ideas here utterly buried under an astonishing pile of trash regarding the legal system and how sentencing can be influenced by various factors. But I chose this as the last review for more than just technical reasons.

“The Parent Rap” just feels like every negative aspect of the Mike Scully era combined for a grand finale. It’s incoherent, it reduces our main characters (especially Homer) to asshats, cynicism permeates every aspect of the episode without any genuine warmth to balance it out, and probably worst of all, it all just feels pointless.

With that in mind, there is one aspect of this episode I do genuinely like without any qualifications attached. One tiny, minuscule aspect that I find inspiring.

My look at the Mike Scully era of The Simpsons is, for all intents and purposes, complete. I have a wrap-up and a movie, but really, I’ve made it to the end.

Tidbits:

• First off, I just want to give a special shout-out to Frinkiac.com, the source for so many Simpsons screenshots. They deserve credit for creating such a fantastic resource of brilliant Simpsons moments in screenshot form.
• So, Jane Kaczmarek as Judge Harm. I mean, she doesn’t do a particularly bad job in the role, but this really feels like they wanted to make “Lois the judge”, to make a carbon-copy of her character from Malcolm in the Middle, a fairly successful show on FOX at the time. Just a shame that the character is so subpar. Kaczmarek has since fallen into mild obscurity – in fact, most of the cast has since then. (A major exception was Bryan Cranston.)
• Speaking of Judge Harm, there’s a rather peculiar moment at the end of the episode when she decides to let Bart speak. Her rationale? “You remind me of me when I was a little boy.” A part of me does find it fascinating that this hardass used to be rebellious in her youth… but that’s not the intent of that line. Because Snake is there (for some reason), and after Bart’s “moving” speech, he is still transfixed. “Didn’t she say she used to be a dude?” Get it? The joke is that Harm might be transgender. Probably not one of the show’s finest moments there.
• Homer’s wearing $600 pants in this episode. Why is he wearing Italian designer jeans? So Moe can rob him. Remember when Moe’s crimes were more well-hidden? (“Get him back to SeaWorld!”) Apparently, Hank Azaria was so baffled by this turn of events that he ad-libbed the following line: “Yeah, I rob now.” Do with that information as you will.
• Not only did Homer net $40 after kicking his son and Milhouse out of the car, but he netted a Blue Oyster Cult medallion as well. Why do I bring this up? Two reasons. One, I’m compelled to bring up that BOC formed at my university, Stony Brook University. (SEAWOLVES!) Two, and most importantly, the credits of this episode are soundtracked with “Don’t Fear the Reaper”. It’s a song about recognizing the inevitability of death yet not falling victim to said fear. You think, much like the chalkboard gag, this was the show recognizing that its time was up and hoping for the end?

Wrap-Up:

Zaniness Factor and Jerkass Homer Meter: One last time, they both go out with a 5. Magic fiber-optic cables and attempted cinderblock-related murder? The reality and characters are both bricked beyond repair.

Favorite Scene: The only scene to remotely get any sort of good vibes from me was Homer and Bart having lunch on top of the cooling towers. Yeah, it’s stupid, but it was vaguely reminiscent of “Bart on the Road” and it was an almost decent character moment there. Too bad it was drowned out by the trash.

Least Favorite Scene: Let me put it this way – once the tether is revealed to have a camera inside of it, the episode lurches from dreck to dreck until it collapses at the end.

In fact, let’s take a quick look at the very end. It’s not my least favorite moment of the episode (that goes to the last courtroom scene), but it feels like a perfect cap to the entire Scully era.

Having left court, Marge asks the family to promise not to break the law for a whole year. They agree. Homer proceeds to do a hard brake for a red light… only to run over Hans Moleman (“Please drive off me!”) Nobody notices this but Homer, and he proceeds to drive off. Moleman gets up, none the worse for wear because nothing means anything anymore, and Homer officially commits hit-and-run as the family drives off into the sunset.

Fin.

Score: 2. We go out abysmally. Whatever few good qualities are in this episode are largely canceled out by the dreadful third act. Shocking.

But should I be shocked? I’ve seen the path this show took over four years. The depths that could be plunged were plunged. Why would I expect anything else at this point? The bottom line is that the episode is unwatchable, and I would be very careful before going in.

And…

…that’s it.

That was the last Mike Scully-run episode.

After seven years, Scullyfied Simpsons… is done.

There’ll be a more formal wrap-up in the coming days.