Gossip Girl recap for "The Fasting and the Furious"

After the calculated and, let's even say brilliant, episode last week, this week's episode of Gossip Girl was one big clusterf**k of craziness and confusion.

Not only was there a baby contract drafted up to deny Blair basic human rights, but Chuck fell for a psychologist that he met in a dog park and Serena confessed to Dan that he was the "love of her life." To top it all off Diana Payne appears to have some sort of connection to Bart Bass that still makes our heads hurt.

But our job is to break it down as best we can, and we will give the people what they want.

The main players

The baby drama continued to dominate this week as Blair and Louis decided to announce their "good news" to both their parents during Yom Kippur.

But what started as a joyful announcement quickly turned into a big blowout that had royals defecting from the homeland and a game-playing princess eventually getting her way.

When Blair and Louis tell their families, both Eleanor and Cyrus as well as Princess Sofie of Monaco take the news surprisingly well. Even though Eleanor seems distraught about the thought of being a grandmother, she seems willing to accept Blair's situation and support her daughter. Princess Sofie even tells her daughter, Beatrice, who is still seeking to usurp Louis, that "a baby is never a probem."

But scheming Beatrice makes her mother quickly believe that Blair is going to control the situation and make all the decisions about how the heir to the Monaco throne will live.

So Sofie winds up constructing a contract for Blair to sign. And Blair is ready with pen in hand to sign her life away and commit to life in Monaco. Since Blair feels like she doesn't have much left for her in New York (since Serena is deciding to completely ignore her), Blair decides to move to Monaco for good and raise the baby there.

But when Cyrus looks over the contract, he sees some major discrepancies that send Blair and Louis into a fit of anger. One of the points on the contract stated that Blair could not visit New York for more than 48 hours at a time.

When Louis confronts his mother about the contract, she denies having put any sort of points of contention into the contract. She quickly realizes that Beatrice is behind the revised edition, but Sofie stands by her daughter and tells Blair that if she really wants to embrace the Grimaldi family, she will sign the document. But Louis puts his mother in her place and stands by Blair's side as his mother vows to disown him and his heir.

So Beatrice gets her way and Blair will remain in New York. But now Louis claims that Blair is the only family he has - and it looks like he may have found another secret of hers. At the end of the episode, Louis finds the envelope containing the paternity test results. Although we never got a look at the contents, Louis makes a suspicious phone call to a psychologist who became involved in this episode. We're unsure why Louis would call her, but we feel like the calm and understanding Prince may be up for some scheming of his own.

At bat

Diana Payne and her crew, which consists of Nate and Charlie, are trying to launch the online version of the New York Spectator to try to compete with Gossip Girl.

The site is about to go live with some scoop scored from the cell phones that were confiscated at the Jenny Packham party, but Gossip Girl calls out a site that is stealing content and trying to compete. Since the blast goes out right before the launch, Nate recommends that Diana delay the launch so that it doesn't mess with the credibility of the Spectator.

So Diana waits and looks for more scoop-which she finds at the Waldorf apartment during Yom Kippur. She teams up with Princess Beatrice to get the scoop on the royal familial battle brewing between Louis and his family.

Meanwhile, Charlie (or Ivy) is trying to find scoop of her own to try to keep Diana from revealing her true identity as Ivy to Lily, Serena and the rest of her new Upper East Side social circle. Charlie discovers that Lily has family files locked away in the family's safe that are sure to reveal secrets. So Charlie decides to break into the safe and steal the folders for Diana to sift through.

Charlie calls on Nate to help unlock the safe. And although Nate is unsure about helping rat out his friends, he goes over to the Van der Woodsen's, and with a little help from Chuck Bass, figures out the code to the safe (which previously belonged to Bart Bass). Charlie gets her hands on the files, but Nate says that he can't give them to Diana because he isn't willing to turn over confidential information about his friends. And he finds it hard to believe that Charlie would be willing to turn over the information about her own "family." Charlie agrees with Nate and says she will return the files to the safe and look for something else to keep Diana at bay.

But of course, Charlie is a liar and she winds up handing over all the documents to Diana for her review. At the end of the episode, Diana calls Charlie into her office and says that the files contain nothing she can use and that the juicy information has already appeared on Gossip Girl.

But Diana winds up keeping the contents of Bart Bass' folder, which surprisingly contains a photo of a young Diana Payne. Diana winds up burning the photo, meaning she doesn't want anyone to know her connection to Bart.

We have no idea how Diana relates to Bart Bass. There is some speculation that Diana may be Chuck's mother, but it is far too early to draw any real conclusions about this mysterious twist.

Warming up

Even though Serena is upset with Dan for how he portrayed her in his hit novel, she is forced to cozy up to him since her boss wants the film rights to "Inside."

So Serena calls him and says, through gritted teeth, that she is sorry and wants to put it all behind them. Then she casually mentions the movie rights to Dan and says that her boss, Jane, is extremely interested in directing the movie. Dan tells Serena that he is interested, but is forced to cut their meeting short since he has a big television interview to participate in.

When Dan mentions the film rights to his agent Alessandra, she tells him not to commit to Serena just because they are friends. She tells him that plenty of Hollywood big shots, including Harvey Weinstein, are interested in turning his book into a movie.

So when Dan goes on air to promote his book, he talks about all the interested parties who may get film rights, but fails to mention Serena's boss. And, obviously, Jane tears through Serena for failing to secure anything with Dan.

With her job on the line, Serena makes some calls and convinces agents and producers that Dan has already signed on with Jane's production company. That means that Dan's meeting with Harvey Weinstein is canceled. When Dan goes to the office to find Serena, he is met by Jane, who seems as confused about what happened as Dan is.

But Serena admits that she started the rumor on her own accord. She tells Dan that she was trying to save her job. But she also ends up apologizing to him for having ulterior motives with her original apology. She explains that his book upset her mainly because she wasn't the star (Blair was) and reveals to Dan that he was the "love of her life" and thought he felt the same about her.

Dan winds up calling Serena later that evening and tells her that they can't know who really is the "love of their lives" because they are still so young and have a whole life left to live. But regardless, he gives Serena's boss the film rights to his book, saying that if it wasn't for her inspiring him from the very beginning, he wouldn't have written it in the first place.

So things are patched between Serena and Dan for now. And that is that.

On the bench

Chuck hasn't been himself lately. Proof is that he has been hanging out with Dan and has a pet dog. And in this episode, it seems he's gone way off the deep end when he inappropriately throws himself at a psychologist that he just met.

Chuck meets Dr. Eliza Barnes in the dog park. He shows up at her office and winds up basically asking her to sleep with him right then and there. She full-out denies him and rails on him for being so rude.

The fact that this random woman won't sleep with him apparently drives Chuck mad. He stalks her during Yom Kippur services and meets up with her on the street to try to get her to reconsider. But the psychologist calls him out once again, saying that he acts childish because he never had a real childhood, that he pays for intimacy so he stays in control and never gets close to anyone and that he is pathetically alone in the world.

This tirade of truth strikes a chord in Chuck and he calls up Dr. Eliza Barnes at the end of the episode to say that he really needs help and is willing to work with her if she is willing to take him on as a patient.

It's pretty remarkable that Chuck is finally admitting that he needs help, but we sure hope that the old Chuck Bass returns sooner than later. This moping, pathetic, pandering version is starting to wear on our nerves.

Best plays of the night

- Having Wallace Shawn return to the show warms our hearts. We love him playing the character of Blair's stepfather Cyrus. More of Wallace would do this show some good!

- Roxanne Mesquida has mastered the art of giving Beatrice a permanent bitch face. Well played.

- We love that Nate is still acting so heartbroken over Dan's book. They really did have a bromance and Nate can't seem to move on.

- Eleanor to Diana Payne: "I'm Eleanor Waldorf...and who are you?"

- Jane to Serena: "If something doesn't fall right into your lap, you don't have a clue how to work for it." That is Serena's character summed up in a nutshell for sure.

Worst plays of the night

- Chuck Bass would never sink so low as to basically beg for sex from an uptight psychologist.

- We find it hard to believe that Blair would choose to abandon New York because Serena is ignoring her.

- Rufus would never not talk to Dan for so long. Period.

- Nate is acting like he cares about his job, but since when does Nate want to be a gossip journalist. This makes no sense.

- The baby contract is the most absurd plot we've seen on this show so far...and that's saying a lot.