Gossip Girl, perhaps the greatest television show in history, turns 13 later this year. In a parallel universe right now, Blair and Chuck are staring at each other, Dan is writing a creepy blog post, and Serena is nonsensically frolicking in a field. For five years during the show's run, we lived and breathed the glossy problems of these privileged Upper East Side prep schoolers turned quasi-adult Manhattanites. The sex! The lies! The sex (again)! It was a magical period for anyone who fantasized about wearing blazers every day. Ahhh, 2009. What a time to be alive!
But the Gossip Girl brand is not without its flaws. In between the Sum 41-tinged make-out sessions, aggressive headbands, and Jenny's eyeliner were glaring problems only true fans will admit. (And by true fans, I mean people who devoured all of the books by Cecily von Ziegesar that the series is based on.) Even a Park Avenue penthouse can have plumbing issues—and Gossip Girl had plenty. Let's dive in, shall we?
Disclaimer: If you're a blind stan (stalker fan), you should probably stop reading right now. I'm about to poke (justified) holes in your fave.
Jenny was all wrong. Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar explicitly describes Jenny Humphrey in the books as a short, meek brunette girl with major insecurities about her disproportionately large breasts. Jenny's chest complex is a central part of her character. Taylor Momsen is tall. Taylor Momsen is blond. And, to my knowledge, Taylor Momsen isn't having identity crises every other day because she can't find a large-enough bra. Maybe she does—I don't know. But Momsen is 5'8", and Jenny is...not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Momsen, but when a character's psyche is literally built on specific physical attributes, you should find an actress who can portray those. And well. If a character is insecure about being the tallest girl in the room, you wouldn't cast Anna Kendrick—unless you wanted to spend millions on CGI.
And so was Dan. Where was Dan's sweaty notebook of poetry? Where were his instant coffee and cigarette addictions? Where were his skinny jeans?! Dan was written as a foil to the lunkhead, frat-boy wannabes at his private school; the show honors that—to an extent—but not enough. Bottom line, Penn Badgley was just too hunky to play a manic pixie dream boy.
Vanessa didn't have a shaved head. She was supposed to have a shaved head.
Nate didn't smoke enough weed. Like Jenny's chest insecurities, Nate's penchant for pot was intricate to his personality. When in doubt, Nate got high. Nate was in doubt on the show a lot, but he didn't get high.
Jenny, Dan, and Rufus lived in Brooklyn. They lived on Manhattan's Upper West Side in the books. If they lived in Brooklyn, why the heck would they commute all the way to uptown Manhattan for school? There are fancy private schools in Brooklyn too...
Chuck didn't have a white snow monkey perched on his shoulder at all times. #Justice4Sweetie. This was one of Book Chuck's best attributes. The CW really dropped the ball here.
The parents were involved in the show too much. Ziegesar's Gossip Girl world had no parents whatsoever—that's why it's so decadent. The kids' parents were too busy skiing in Aspen to pay them any mind, so they left them in penthouses—unsupervised—to party recklessly as long as they kept up appearances. Yes, they popped up every now and then, but not enough to warrant full-fledged storylines on the show. Helicopter mom Lily van der Woodsen was not part of the program.
The girls ate yogurt on the Met steps instead of smoking cigarettes. This was The CW's PG way of dealing with this novel tidbit. Ziegesar wrote the first Gossip Girl novel in 2002, people. It was a different time. Kids still thought smoking was cool!
Blair didn't go to Yale. The girl deserved to go to f—king Yale—and she went in the books. Show plot logistics, be damned!
The show was on The CW. Most of the show's problems were rooted in this. Gossip Girl was a wildly provocative, dark, and indulgent book series. The show was racy, yes, but putting it on basic cable prevented it from reaching its full potential. The naughtiness of these underage characters existed in their nuances: the weed, the cigarettes, the neuroses. The CW watered down all of this. Unfortunately, the show never quite reached the "OMFG" level of its scandalous source material—despite a (clever) season two promotional campaign that suggested otherwise.
