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- Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
- Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged.
- Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
- [Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]
- [Moe is about to open his bar on St. Patrick's day]
- Moe Szyslak: All right, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are my designated drivers?
- [a few guys raise their hands]
- Moe Szyslak: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates!
- Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you.
- Homer: [way off in the distance] No, you won't.
- Rex Banner: Yes, I will
- Homer: Won't!
- Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
- Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
- Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged.
- Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
- [Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]
- Homer Simpson: [Homer has a giant beer barrel over his head] Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!
- Kent Brockman: Top of the morning to ye on this gray, grizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.
- [Banner is interrogating a drunk Barney in the street]
- Rex Banner: Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
- Barney: Yes?
- Homer Simpson: Kaboom, blam! Oh excuse me again dear!
- Marge Simpson: Homer. There's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your home made liquor is exploding again.
- Homer Simpson: What dear? KABLAMMO!
- [Marge is about to take some laundry to the basement when she notices a sign on the door reading "DO NOT ENTER", with translations in French, Spanish, German and Chinese beneath it]
- Marge Simpson: That's funny. I used to be able to go down there.
- [Homer and Bart come out carrying multiple bowling balls containing bootleg liquor]
- Homer Simpson: [hurried] Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.
- Marge Simpson: Why do you have so many bowling balls?
- Homer Simpson: [sighs apologetically] Ah, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long!
- [he and Bart drive away]
- Marge Simpson: [annoyed] Hmmmm.
- Homer Simpson: 42 bathtubs, please.
- Houseware Warehouse Employee: You know, they're 50 for $3,000 today.
- Homer Simpson: I said 42!
- Marge Simpson: Beer!
- Homer Simpson: I can explain, Marge. Please let me explain. Oh, why won't you let me explain?
- Marge Simpson: You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
- Homer Simpson: Well... And I can explain, remember? I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump. And then I bowl them and some underground pipes take them into Moe's.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, that's very clever.
- Homer Simpson: Huh?
- Lisa Simpson: Mom?
- Marge Simpson: Well, it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law.
- Homer Simpson: It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
- [Homer waves the money at Marge]
- Marge Simpson: Whoo!
- Lisa Simpson: Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have...
- Marge Simpson, Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson: GO TO YOUR ROOM, LISA!