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- Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.
- [pause, pounds desk]
- Kent Brockman: It's in "Revelations", people!
- [Homer's arms are stuck in pair of vending machines]
- Repairman 1#: Homer, there's no easy way to tell you this: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to saw your arms off.
- Homer: They'll grow back, right?
- Repairman 1#: Oh... yeah.
- [He cranks up the rotary saw and moves it toward Homer's arm...]
- Repairman 2#: Wait a minute. Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
- Homer: Your point being...?
- [Homer needs to leave the house in a hurry]
- Bart: Absolutely, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.
- Homer: Wait a second...
- [He takes a card out of his pocket and reads it: "Always Do Opposite Of What Bart Says"]
- Homer: Huh. You kids DO need a babysitter!
- Bart: Blast that infernal card!
- [he suddenly gets an idea]
- Bart: *Don't* give that card to me.
- Homer: [about to hand it to him] Here you go-NO!
- Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
- Marge Simpson: Thank you!
- [pause]
- Marge Simpson: Why?
- Ruth Powers: If you met my ex-husband you'd know. All he did was sit around, watch TV and drink beer.
- Marge Simpson: Your point being...?
- Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter! Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
- Homer: We pay $8 for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
- Lionel Hutz: Three.
- Homer: Two.
- Lionel Hutz: Okay, two. And I get to keep this old birdcage!
- Homer: Done!
- Lionel Hutz: [straightens his tie] Still got it!
- Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.
- [pause, pounds desk]
- Kent Brockman: It's in "Revelations", people!
- Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home.
- Lisa Simpson: Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.
- [nudges Lionel Hutz, who gasps and pulls out a knife]
- Lionel Hutz: DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!
- [realizes where he is, and chuckles nervously]
- Lionel Hutz: Hey, this isn't the YMCA.
- [last lines]
- Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Thoc, was paid $8 for his 32 hours of babysitting. He was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code section 618A: "Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans." She was ordered to pay 50 cents to replace the cans, and $2000 in punitive damages and mental anguish. Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland, for extensive testing.
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Lisa Simpson: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all of your personal papers?
- Lionel Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
- Ruth Powers: [returning a power sander] Thanks, Marge. When my husband left he took all our power tools... along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind... well, see ya.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, please, you know how hard it is for me to make friends.
- [Flashback: Marge is seated in the living room, having tea with a group of ladies, laughing]
- Marge's Friend: Oh Marge, we should do this every week.
- [Homer runs in wearing Bermuda shorts and a "NO FAT CHICKS" t-shirt and carrying a skunk]
- Homer: Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk!
- [splutters]
- Homer: Oh look, it's doing it again!
- [screaming, the women scatter]
- [Ruth arrives to pick up Marge, driving a convertible and wearing a leather jacket]
- Marge Simpson: You look... nice.
- Ruth Powers: Tonight has nothing to do with nice, Marge. Tonight is all about...
- [she pops a tape into the stereo: Lesley Gore's "Sunshine, Lollipops..." starts playing]
- Ruth Powers: Oh, sorry, Marge, wrong tape.
- [she pops another tape in: Guns 'N Roses's "Welcome to the Jungle" blares, and she floors it]
- [as Ruth takes off]
- Chief Wiggum: Yessir, looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase!
- [he pops a tape into his stereo. Lesley Gore starts singing: "Sunshine, Lollipops, and..."]
- Chief Wiggum: [singing along] Rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I feel, when we're together! Brighter than a lucky penny, when you're near dear, the rain clouds disappear, dear, and I feel so fine, just to know that you are mine!
- [Homer, riding in the backseat, also sings along]
- Ruth Powers: Look, you can see our houses.
- Marge Simpson: There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.