- Homer Simpson: You've learned a valuable lesson, son. Love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kind of hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.
- Cletus Spuckler: Is you one of my kids?
- Bart Simpson: No, sir.
- Cletus Spuckler: Prove it!
- Bart Simpson: A, B, C...
- Cletus Spuckler: Alright, alright. You convinced me, Einstein.
- Mary Spuckler: Bart, if any girl wants to change you, let her, because you have a lot of problems. But mostly you're great.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. Your date just made the cover of Geek Monthly.
- Milhouse Van Houten: I know that's a zing, but still... the cover!
- Bart Simpson: Come on, dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated; Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
- Homer Simpson: Lousy outdated relics.
- Homer Simpson: New York has sure changed since our ancestor Fievel came here.
- Lisa Simpson: Fievel was a mouse in a movie.
- Homer Simpson: Yes, now look at us. Only in America.
- Bart Simpson: Mary Spuckler, you're my last chance.
- Milhouse Van Houten: She's pretty cute for Cletus's daughter.
- Bart Simpson: Yeah, she got to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint.
- Bart Simpson: I need someone to dance with so I can zing my sister.
- Edna Krabappel: All right, but you'll have to do your homework. Just kidding. I've given up on you long ago.
- Bart Simpson: Just move your girdle, Yertil.
- Homer Simpson: Boy, if anyone needs me, I'll be taking a popcorn bath. It's a thing I read about in a men's health magazine in a dream.
- Mary Spuckler: Tell me some news about Springfield.
- Bart Simpson: Well, they let Sideshow Bob out again.
- [Sideshow Bob sneaks up behind Bart, brandishing a knife; he is hit by a train]
- Bart Simpson: Huh. I didn't know they still ran those trains.
- Marge Simpson: Our search for culture is thus concluded / For which the bard of Avon is well suited / In a stage production with cell phones muted. Geez, I can't stop talking like that.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, what are you looking at?
- Bart Simpson: My ex-girlfriends.
- Homer Simpson: Ah, boy, I feel for ya. Nobody likes to be rejected, and it never gets any easier until you can drink, 'cause then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk dialing. Observe...
- [Homer picks up the phone]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, it's me again. He's there, isn't he? Well, I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I'm inside your closet.
- cletus: your ma misses you so much so cant even speak a donkey done broke her jay but she will be ok n so will your ma.