We open on Fashion Buzz, and host Alec Mapa

gushing about all the “gossip and innuendo” surrounding the Meade family in the

wake of Bradford’s mid-nuptial collapse. If

I’m not mistaken, this is the first time we learn Mapa’s character is named

“Suzuki St. Pierre.” You’ve got to love how, along with Marc St. James and

Cliff St. Paul, this show is establishing all gay men as saints. Which beats

hairdressers and serial killers.

Cut to the I.C.U.,

the very same one where Daniel and Alexis spent about a hundred episodes lying

around whining about their problems. It’s like some network suit said, “Hey, we

paid for that hospital set, let’s make sure we get our money’s worth … Oh, and

while we’re at it, let’s screw over the writers until they go on strike.”

A bunch of ambulance-chasing wedding guests are happily

milling about hoping against hope to be there for Bradford’s

big death scene. Cheated out of a wedding, they figured they’re entitled to a

funeral. Meanwhile, Daniel is so pissed at Betty he does the “I can’t even see

you” routine, leading her to realize, as she tells Christina, that she really

is fired.

Last week I snarked about Christina finally having something

to do other than say, “What are you going to do now, Betty?” This week, she

actually says it, word for word, putting me in the weird position of feeling

like I helped write this episode and therefore can’t really criticize it. Don’t

worry, though, I’ll get over it.

Cut to Mode reception, off hours. Betty is trying to get in to clean out her desk. But

first she has to get past this week’s celebrity guest star Mo’Nique, who

introduces herself as “L’Amanda,” the weekend receptionist/security guard.

I’m confused by this development. Weren’t Betty and Henry at

Mode earlier in the day looking for

that Transit Museum coupon? How could they have

possibly missed this woman? Because, let’s face it, Mo’Nique has pretty much

made a career out of being the kind of woman who is not, shall we say, easily

overlooked.

But that’s the least of my issues with this character. I was

hoping that, given the similar names, L’Amanda would be a wacky, bizarro

version of Amanda. Like maybe she’d do everything the opposite of Amanda – you

know, things like actually working and managing to keep her legs crossed.

Instead, the only bizarro thing about her is that I have the

exact opposite reaction as I did with Posh. With Posh, I started out thinking I

wouldn’t like her but ultimately found her highly amusing. With Mo’Nique, I

started out with high hopes only to be sorely disappointed. It turns out her

character is basically the same annoying, stereotypical bit we got last year

with Constance, Papi’s INS case worker. And I don’t think this show, or any

other really, needs yet another sassy, plus-sized lady with an out-of-control

libido, do you?

Anyway, L’Amanda recognizes Betty as the girl dating Henry

Grubstick, who she has a thing for.

L’Amanda: I call him Sugarstick. I’d

like to lick some a that. You ever try?

Betty: Well we, um, kiss … and other

things.

Betty, you hussy! You’re shacking up with the guy and actually

do things other than kiss? I hope you didn’t use his toilet seat or you might

wind up barefoot and preggers just like his last babymama.

When Betty reveals she’s been fired, L’Amanda thinks this

gives her a chance with Henry, since “men like a woman with a job.” Well, it’s

true men like something having to do with jobs, but I don’t think we’re

thinking the same thing.

Betty starts cleaning out her desk, and then there’s a

fantasy sequence where another Betty shows up, dressed just like in the pilot episode

right down to the Guadalajara

poncho. The two Bettys face each other from opposite sides of the screen, and

it looks like the primitive days of TV technology, like on Bewitched when Elizabeth Montgomery also played Samantha’s cousin,

the slutty, dark-haired one I was strangely attracted to (I think it had

something to do with the boyish haircut and the motorcycle).

Anyway, Poncho Betty realizes she’s meeting her future self

and has all sorts of questions about how things work out at Mode. If I ever manage to make my way

into the future, the only thing I want to know is if the robots are more like

Schwarzenegger Terminators or Haley

Joel Osment A.I.s, a prospect I find

much more terrifying.

Poncho Betty is dismayed to hear that

Future Betty has been disgraced and fired, after doing things like lying

and breaking into people’s apartments. Based on this information, it would be

totally understandable for Poncho Betty to assume she’d wound up in politics.

But Future Betty explains that it was working at Mode that changed her.

Cut to the I.C.U.

waiting area, where Marc and Amanda are lounging around. Amanda makes a

comment about how Bradford is still handsome

“in a Sean Connery kind of way.” How much did she drink at that wedding and how

out of focus are her beer goggles? Because ghoulish Bradford and Sir Connery …

not even playing the same sport much less in the same league.

Wili makes a stunning entrance, wearing a gorgeous white fur

over her wedding dress, truly a vision all in white. Give her a talking lion

and a faun and she could go on to gross 500 million dollars and earn an

endorsement from the League of Catholic Moviegoers.

There’s a commotion as Daniel tries to prevent her from

seeing Bradford, saying that since the wedding

never happened, she’s not considered family. Marc and Amanda watch this sordid

scene unfold, munching away on popcorn. Those two are so selfish! If they had

any decency at all they’d be getting it on their camera phones to post on

YouTube for the rest of the world to enjoy.

Cut to Casa Suarez

where Hilda and Justin are watching Alec Mapa talk about the mystery

surrounding Bradford’s missing suit. Papi, in

disgust, bogarts the remote and says he wants to “check the football scores,”

whatever that means.

Justin: Football?

Bradford Meade’s in the hospital! I’m sure the game’s been cancelled.

That line may not sound funny as written, but trust me, add

in some hand gestures and attitude the way Mark Indelicato does, and it’s

hilarious.

Betty comes in with her box of sad mementos and stolen

office supplies, in which the heinous Wicked

mug is prominently displayed. Papi offers to call up Daniel and explain that

Betty did what she did to get him home from Mexico and save him from the

constant, devastating threat of Montezuma’s Revenge. But Betty says it’s

probably for the best, given how much Mode

has changed her.

Hilda: Good for

you, honey! Now you can join a gym, get smoking hot, and when you run into

Daniel, he’ll be begging you to come back.

Or you could just put out for him right now. Then you won’t

have to bother with the gym and you’ll still burn calories.

Betty heads up to her room to put her stuff away and goes to

open this big wardrobe. Hey, maybe this really is a Narnia episode! Maybe she’ll go inside the wardrobe and have all

sorts of magical adventures that years later she’ll realize were allegories

indoctrinating her young mind into Christian theology even though she’s Jewish.

Oh wait, that was me. And to be fair, those books didn’t really affect my

religion. They just made me gay.

Anyway, she opens the wardrobe, and out pops a real-life

white witch, Claire Meade. Betty is surprised, to say the least, and then a

little bit annoyed when Yoga starts going through her things and criticizing

her taste.

Claire explains that before she leaves the country, she

needs reassurance that her children are being taken care of and that Bradford didn’t change his will to leave everything to

Wili. So she’d like Betty to break into Bradford’s

office and find the will, just the kind of morally grayish behavior Betty’s

been hoping to stop. But Claire pleads with her …

Claire: You’re my only hope.

Nobody can resist the Princess Leia/Obi-Wan plea! So Betty

is forced to agree to help, adding that she’s really doing it for Daniel, since

she feels she owes him. For what, exactly? As far as I can tell, the best thing

he ever did was firing her so she’d never have to get wrapped up in this crazy

Meade family drama ever again. You’d think she’d start enjoying those

unemployment benefits.

Cut to Marc and Wili

cruising through the city in a cushy limo. Marc tries to reassure her that it

was still a beautiful wedding. I’m guessing the reception was probably a bit of

a bummer, but at least no one had to sit through the newlyweds’ first dance to “Ebony

and Ivory.” I’m also wondering if Wili will figure out a way to keep all the

gifts. But she’s got other worries on her mind …

Wili: Now thanks to his inconvenient

collapse, my future’s in limbo.

Marc: And I know

you don’t like the limbo. Or the Electric Slide. Or any forced party dancing.

What about the Horah? Everybody loves the Horah!

Wili’s concerned about where she stands in Bradford’s

will and is especially worried he left everything to charity. Hearing this,

Marc offers to “find this Charity person and kill her.” And if she’s the same

one who’s been calling me during PBS pledge drives, I hope he succeeds.

Back at Mode, Betty tries to get past

reception, but L’Amanda says that since she’s no longer an employee, she can’t

let her back in. Maybe she should try saying she’s opening a sandwich kiosk

downstairs and wants to post flyers – that usually seems to do the trick.

There’s a bit of slapsticky physical “comedy” here as Betty

tries to get past L’Amanda but ultimately cowers away. This has the unintended

benefit of making the scenes of Bradford

slowly dying in the hospital seem uproarious in comparison.

Cut to the hospital

waiting room. Daniel is taking out a lifetime of unresolved Oedipal issues

on an innocent vending machine. Amanda comes over and does her Fonzie

imitation, lightly hitting the machine to procure Daniel his snack.

When she hears Daniel talk about how he never got a chance

to tell his father he loves him, she puts a hand on his and assures him it’s

still not too late. I kept waiting for the punch line in this scene but it just

never came. This is shaping up to be a total downer of an episode.

I’m also baffled at what Amanda’s even doing at the hospital

at this point. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s hoping to bag herself a McDreamy.

Back to more

L’Amanda. And with L’Amanda there’s more not to love. Henry shows up to try

to distract L’Amanda so Betty can sneak by. Christopher Gorham pretty much

saves this entire episode with his hilarious “gangsta geek” routine in these

scenes.

L’Amanda: Hey

cutie pie. You just missed your girlfriend.

Henry:

Girlfriend?! I don’t know how many times I have to tell that girl that is not

the way I roll.

L’Amanda: Oh

really?

Henry: Oh, no.

I’m sweet like sugar, soft like suede, but unlike a piano, I never get played.

L’Amanda: Listen,

honey. I will play you like Stevie Wonder on a baby grand … Oooh, Sugarstick,

where you been all my life?

Henry: Um, math

camp?

Casa Suarez. Papi

hears a noise upstairs and goes to investigate. Inside Betty’s room, he’s

surprised to find Yoga, who claims to be from the cable company, leading Claire

to come out of hiding and berate her for the lame cover story.

The two of them start squabbling like an old married couple,

before Claire explains to Papi that they’re waiting there while Betty does a

favor for Daniel. Surprised to hear this, Papi starts to tell her about the bad

blood between Betty and Daniel. He doesn’t get to finish, though, because they

hear Hilda coming up the stairs. Papi orders them to hide again. I really wish

those two could finally get out of the closet.

Hilda comes in to find her father lounging on her sister’s

bed while nobody else is home. She asks him what he’s doing. There’s really no

answer to that question that could not sound creepy.

Then, she sees Yoga, who now tries to pass herself off as

the exterminator, which is a nice promotion, since I’d guess they make more

than cable guys. Maybe next time she can make herself the Maytag repairman.

Claire, appalled by an even lamer cover, comes out of hiding to call Yoga the

worst fugitive in the world.

Meanwhile, back at Mode, Betty and Henry arrive outside

of Bradford’s office and, after bickering

about how she’s being all bossy, decide to kiss and make up. Just then, the

office doors open, giving Wili and Marc front-row seats at the makeout session.

Wili: If I ate lunch, now would be the

time to lose it.

Oh Wili, that’s nothing. At least you didn’t have to see

Henry and L’Amanda going at it like the rest of us did.

Wili and Betty both wonder what the other one is doing

there. When Wili says she’s looking for a memento by which to remember her

“dying husband,” Henry corrects her, saying, “Technically, fiancé.” Wili

chillingly responds, “That’s one.” At the time, I didn’t even really get what

this meant (it becomes apparent later in the episode). But let me tell you that

if I were the one she directed this at, I’d be changing my underwear right

about now. I guess Henry is made of stronger stuff than me.

Betty says they’re looking for a memento as well, and they

all proceed into the office and start searching. Tango music plays in the

background, as Betty & Henry, and Wili & Marc, circle around one

another warily, eyeing each other like couples at a suburban key party.

Pretty quickly, Wili starts to lose patience …

Wili: Let’s end

this. I can’t stand another minute in this room with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle

Diego. Obviously you want to find the will for Daniel … Why don’t we agree to

find the will, read it, shake hands, wash our hands, and go on with our lives.

Betty agrees to this plan, revealing the will is in the safe

and she got the combination from Claire.

Wili: I just want to be done here and

go back to mourning my late husband.

Henry: Um, he’s not dead yet, and once

again, you’re not technically married.

Wili: That’s two.

Marc: Just know that people don’t make

it to three.

Betty opens the safe, but it’s empty. D’oh! Or as Wili says,

“Oh, balls.”

Betty and Marc both realize at the exact same moment that

the will is probably in the secret sex room. And then Marc does this

brilliantly executed Three Stooges

routine where he gets Betty to lean over to pick up her glasses and then pushes

Henry over her. “Come on Curly,” he says to Wili, locking Betty and Henry in

the office. “Right behind you Moe,” she responds. Or maybe she means ’mo?

Back at Casa Suarez,

Hilda and Papi are wondering how the fugitives are going to make it out of the

country, especially since Claire looks nothing like the woman in the stolen

passport she’s planning on using. This makes Claire the perfect guinea pig for

Hilda to test out her newly-acquired and

still-amateurish-bordering-on-life-threatening beauty skills.

When she’s done, they spin Claire around and she looks just

like … I was going to say Lanie Kazan, but

Papi offers up Chita Rivera which is just as good. He also says he has a

thing for Chita,

which better not come up the next time Rita Moreno guest stars or things could

get ugly. You don’t want to get in the middle of an “I’d Like to Be in America”

roof-top dance-off between those two, trust me.

I.C.U. Daniel

comes in to find a tearful Alexis encouraging Bradford

to stop fighting and head towards the light. Daniel says, “No! Don’t go to the

light. Light bad!” Hey, maybe Carol-Anne’s there! Carol-Anne, can you hear me?

It’s Mommy! Don’t go into the light! The Beast will get you and we’ll never be

able to finish our in-ground pool!

Just then, Bradford wakes

up all “I’m not dead yet.” I was hoping this would naturally progress to other

Monty Python bits about shrubbery, the French, and silly walks. Instead, we

just get sappy hospital scenes. Sigh. Where’s a killer bunny when you need one?

Meanwhile, back in

Bradford’s office, Henry is upset that everybody knew about the “big fancy

sex room” except for him. “It’s just like freshman year all over again,” he

pouts.

Betty’s annoyed she can’t get L’Amanda on the phone to come

and get them out of the locked office. That’s because L’Amanda is busy guarding

reception by listening to her iPod with her eyes closed.

Then Henry looks up and spies a grate in the ceiling. He

decides they can get all Mission Impossible and escape through the

heating ducts.

Big Fancy Sex Room.

Wili, taking in all the S&M gear, can’t believe Bradford

was into all this. She should have known that a foot fetish is a gateway kink.

She eyes Fey’s dominatrix outfit and says, “I can do that,”

something I’m sure none of us doubt in the slightest. Then she grabs a whip

and, after testing it out, starts using it on Marc in earnest. Which is really

just taking their relationship to its most logical outcome.

They find the will and Wili is disheartened to read that it

stipulates she only gets Bradford’s assets on the pronouncement of their

marriage. This makes Marc a tad concerned about his future prospects.

Marc: I’m going to have to go back to

dancing in a cage in my underwear!

God I hope so. Or at the very least, that we get a flashback

episode of Marc’s past, which suddenly sounds very interesting. He’s relieved

to hear that Wili has a plan. Especially since, he confesses, he only had “this

one move” as a dancer, which he demonstrates by thrusting a nearby pole and

letting out a high-pitched yelp. Taken along with the shiny suit he’s wearing,

the move makes him look just like Prince. Only butcher.

Meanwhile, up in the vents, Henry is urging Betty to channel

her inner Bruce Willis and toughen up.

Betty: Mexicans don’t have action

heroes, Henry. We have a speedy little mouse.

You could do worse for a role model, especially when it comes

to scurrying along a tightly enclosed crawlspace. Think Hong Kong Fooey could

handle that? And don’t even get me started on Fat Albert.

Just then, Henry falls through a grate right into the

reception area and, missing her by inches, doesn’t even have the advantage of

L’Amanda’s ample bosom to break his fall.

She starts groping him, forcing poor Henry once again to buy

Betty time by prostituting himself.

Henry: I couldn’t stay away.

L’Amanda: Where there’s chemistry,

there’s chemistry.

Henry: You and I are like water and

magnesium … Explosive.

After Betty sneaks past, he bows out of L’Amanda’s embrace

by saying he doesn’t want to break her heart. It’s a good point, given how he’s

already broken Charlie’s and is scheduled to break Betty’s right around income

tax deadlines.

Back to the I.C.U.

Violins are playing now. Seriously. Violins. And Bradford

still isn’t entirely dead yet. I don’t understand why, when he’d pretty much

kicked the bucket in satisfyingly dramatic fashion last week, they’re now

wasting an entire episode on him wasting away in the hospital. I’m telling you,

evidence of network numbers-crunching is all over this episode. They figure

they paid Alan Dale for eight episodes, and by God they’re going to get eight

episodes out of him. They even make everybody wear the same costumes for

another week.

Daniel tries to tell Bradford

how he feels about him but can’t bring himself to say the words. After he

leaves the room, Bradford says, “I love you

too son.” Oh, barf. When did they become the Waltons?

Meanwhile, Betty and

Henry find the discarded will in the secret sex room. Betty calls Claire to

tell her the kids are alright, at least according to the will.

Henry wants to dash before L’Amanda sniffs him out. But

Betty wants to stop first at Marc’s desk to leave him a strongly worded memo

about what a jerk he is. Of course, it’s tough to sound angry when you’ve got

girly, swirly penmanship and use smiley faces, but she tries.

She puts the note on Marc’s computer, accidentally starting

it up. I figured we’d get a beefy “dudecruise.com” screen-saver, but it’s

actually a site for the Sunrise Church Ministry, where Marc has just been

ordained. The church is actually a perfect place for Marc, if you think about

it, giving him a reason to spend all his time in the company of men, wear

frilly robes, and eat nothing but wafers.

Back at Casa Suarez,

Claire and Yoga are almost out the door, and Yoga has dressed for travel by

covering herself in the pelt of a dead bear. That will definitely come in handy

in Italy’s notoriously arctic climate.

Justin comes up to ask Hilda if he can eat dinner in front

of the TV.

Justin: They’re

doing an interview with Christina Aguilera. I am such an Ag Hag!

Hilda agrees, thereby earning a display of love and affection

from Justin, as opposed to a hissy fit and the silent treatment, both of which

I’m sure he was prepared to deliver if he didn’t get his way.

Claire, noticing how close the two are, decides she can’t

possibly leave the country without first saying goodbye to her own two brats.

She asks Papi to drive her to the hospital, then tells Yoga if she’s not back

by 8, she should leave for Italy without her. The two women embrace, but you

can tell by the way Yoga leans her face towards Claire that she was hoping for

something a little more French.

Hospital corridor. Marc and Wili are rushing toward Bradford’s

room, but Marc takes time out to throw rice at a passing doctor and nurse,

pronouncing them man and wife.

Wili: Would you stop it? You’re

ordained, not magical.

Hey, he’s a fairy who’s dating a hobbit. If that doesn’t

make him magical, I don’t know what does.

Meanwhile, Daniel and Alexis are about to get on the

hospital elevator, when the doors open revealing their mother. She pulls them

on the elevator and hits “doors close” and then the “stop” button. Good going,

Claire. I’m sure a busy hospital can do without a working elevator for a while,

like they can just drag the surgical patients up the stairs by their IVs. And

anyway, the life-or-death concerns of a few code red patients are a mere hill

of beans when compared to the tender reconciliation between a drunken murderess

and her ungrateful, spoiled children.

At least Claire takes the time to set Daniel straight about

how much Betty’s family has done for her and why Betty kept quiet about Wili

and Dwayne.

In Bradford’s room,

Father Marc is trying to get the happy couple finally married off. I wonder if

the I.C.U. has a honeymoon suite?

This time, though, it’s Bradford who objects to the proceedings.

Before he goes through with the ceremony, he wants Wili to look him in the eye

and say she didn’t have an affair with Dwayne. Which she does. But she’s not

doing a good job of selling, and he ain’t buyin’. “You’ve never loved me,” he

realizes, and then orders them out of the room.

Betty rushes in, relieved she won’t have to stop yet another

wedding. Bradford tells her the only person he ever loved was Claire, and Betty

calls Claire on her cell phone so he can tell her himself. I’m pretty sure

hospital I.C.U.s aren’t too keen on cell phones, which can seriously screw up

all those “beep beep beep” machines. But I guess even the nurses have written

Bradford off at this point and don’t much care.

In the elevator,

Claire hangs up the phone and, despite Daniel’s objections, prepares to go see

Bradford. She says she’d rather spend the rest of her life in jail than give up

a chance to see her philandering, practically dead husband one last time. Both

those choices suck. What happened to the trip to Italy? Is that option off the

table? She’d be one lousy contestant on Let’s

Make a Deal.

As she exits the elevator, the paparazzi go crazy taking her

picture. What are they all doing camped out there anyway? Are the tabloids

really that interested in some old publishing magnate kicking the bucket? Don’t

they have some skanky, out-of-control former Mouseketeers to follow around?

Claire goes to Bradford’s room, and he apologizes for being

such a dick all their lives. She remembers that on the day they got married all

those years ago, she knew he’d break her heart. No wonder she started drinking.

But she says she’s ready to do it all again with him. If that’s what she’s

hoping, then they’d better hurry. Because I’d say it’s only a matter of moments

before this tender reunion is spoiled by the arrival of the police, the Grim

Reaper, or both.

Meanwhile, Daniel

tells Betty he finally understands why she couldn’t tell him about Wili’s

affair. Even better, he wants her to come back to work. But Betty surprises

both him and me by turning him down.

Betty: I’m changing into someone that I

don’t want to be.

Daniel: You’re leaving?

Betty: I think I have to.

They look up just in time to catch the heartwarming scene of

Claire being dragged away by the police. Daniel tells Betty to wait with his

father while he runs after Claire, and for some reason Betty still feels

compelled to follow his orders.

Betty goes to Bradford’s bedside. This was the part where I

started hoping he was going to tell her he was leaving Meade Publications to

her in the will, which would have been awesome. Then she could just fire

L’Amanda and keep Henry locked up in the Secret Sex Room. Instead, he wants her

to promise she’ll always be there to take care of Daniel. Lucky Betty, getting

to devote her entire life to helping some privileged white guy further his

career. Why don’t they just change the name of the show to “Driving Mr. Meade.”

And then Bradford finally, mercifully croaks for good.

Hey, you know what this totally humorless, maudlin episode

really needs? A montage of everybody looking sad. And let’s have Bono wailing

in the background too. Perfect.

Sorry to sound so cranky. But with so few episodes

remaining, I’m bummed about having to sit through what feels like a sub-par

episode, especially after the last few have been so outstanding. But even

sub-par Betty has its moments,

including …

A surprising,

gruesome epilogue … as see Wili go into the morgue and talk to a handsome

young doctor, who confirms she’s looking at Bradford’s covered corpse.

Wili: You look

like a young doctor fresh out of medical school. You must have some loans. I

have a proposition you might be interested in.

Yeesh. What do you think she’s up to? The least insane idea

I could come up with was she plans to mount the still-warm body, get herself

pregnant with the dead man’s still living sperm, and then give birth to a child

who, as a biological Meade, would have a rightful claim on Mode. Everything else I thought of is just too crazy. What do you

think?

Justin Fabulousness

Meter: 2. Bradford’s not the only one flatlining. Justin’s fabulousness

remains steady at a dismal 2, since he’s being given so little to do these

days. Let’s hope in the episodes that remain he gets to audition for another

school play, or work as Hilda’s assistant colorist, or something that will

bring out the bitchy queen in him.