When I saw last night’s episode title, the loaded phrase "Heart of Darkness," I thought to myself: Self, is this episode going to be Conrad-esque? Novella-esque? Colonizing Africa-esque? And, of course, it was none of the above. The title merely referred to the darkness that exists in all of us, especially Alaric (whose alter-ego, if you remember, hid that white oak stake in an undisclosed location), and maybe Damon, who had an enlightening conversation with Elena about why he doesn’t always want to show people the good in him (because then people expect too much!), and also Stefan, who had to tap into his dark side to reach Alaric’s dark side, and I guess really everyone, because we could just keep discussing every character’s dark side, but I’d really rather get down to business. Or pleasure. I love how writing these is both!

Let’s recap:

1. Stefan knew that Elena was still grappling with her feelings for Damon, so he sent them off on a road trip. The plan was to find out the vampire bloodline of Stefan, Damon, and Caroline by speaking to the source: Rose, who turned Katherine. So, our fair heroes ventured to Denver to catch up with none other than...JEREMY! Man, he was looking good! Oh, how I’ve missed him! So did Elena! Damon, not so much. He said lots of funny, mean things about Jeremy. One thing concerned Jeremy’s new pal, who turned out to be that pesky original, Kol. Jeremy was perplexed, upset, etc., when he found out that Kol was a vampire. And Damon, that barrel of wit and charm, retorted with:

Well, didn’t you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you met you?

Very funny, but I think we’re all over the Jeremy, loner thing. Homeboy is hot, and cool, and back in Mystic Falls! Hooray!

2. There was a very hot and heavy scene involving one Elena Gilbert and one Damon Salvatore. She basically attacked him with her mouth, and it was awesome! She was into it! And then Jeremy interrupted them, with mild disgust, to explain that Mary Porter, or Scary Mary--the vampire who had turned Rose--was in Kansas. So the three musketeers took a record-speed trip to find her.

3. And find her, they did! Except, Kol had already found her. And staked her. Sca-ry, Ma-ry. Kol knew from Klaus that they were trying to find their vampire bloodline, and he made it fairly impossible. This is unfortunate, because I’d really, really, really like to know. But yeah.

4. Damon got pissed at Elena, and rightfully so. He figured out that she was waiting for him to mess something up so her choice (which Salvatore) would be easy. But Damon said he wouldn’t make it easy for her.

5. In other news, Rebekah was looking for companionship in all the wrong places. First Stefan, then Damon, now Matt. She was onto him, she knew that he was only being nice to her because he was up to something, but he convinced her that something was wrong with her that she thought that a ride home from school had to stem from an ulterior motive. Normally, Matt would be right. That is, if he wasn’t occupying her so that Caroline and Tyler could have hot dungeon sex. No, that wasn’t code for some S&M thing. They really did have hot sex in the Lockwood/Mikaelson/dungeon caves. All was fine and dandy until Tyler started suspecting something between Caroline and Klaus. But at least he’s back!

6. After a serious beat-down, Stefan got Alaric’s evil side to disclose the location of the white oak stake: in the tomb where vampires couldn’t get in. So, Rebekah went with him to retrieve it.

7. Not before Esther showed up at Klaus’ residence, though! She explained that she was dying, because the spell that maintained her body was weakening since Abby’s death. (Her body was drawing power from the complete Bennett bloodline.) There was a tearful conversation where Esther explained that she had been with Rebekah for 1,000 years of heartbreak and pain, and that no one should have to live that long. To which Rebekah said: I haven’t even lived. It was so sad, yet so true. And then, after I actually believed that Esther loved her daughter, she died.

8. Back to the Rebekah and Ric situation. Evil Ric got the stake. And then, Rebekah crossed over into the no-vampire zone. And then announced that she was not Rebekah after all. That she was Esther! HOLY MOLY! ESTHER POSSESSED REBEKAH’S BODY! And she and evil Ric are hatching a plan to kill those crazy originals, and thus, the entire vampire race. Uh-oh.

9. Rose was rooting for Delena! She told Jeremy that Stefan’s love was pure, so he’d always be good for her. But that Damon challenged and surprised her, and not only does she make him a better person, but that he does the same for her. Damon would either be the worst thing for her or the best.

And, of course, high school. Those producers always find neat ways of reminding us that our characters still go there. Next week’s the decade dance. The roaring '20s. With vampires, hybrids, witches (where’s Bonnie?), doppelgangers and an ancient witch possessing her vampire daughter’s body, there’s bound to be lots of interesting trouble. Naturally, I can’t wait.

What did you think of "TVD"'s return? Will Elena choose Damon or Stefan? Do you agree with Rose’s observations? How crazy is it that Esther’s possessing Rebekah? Haven’t we been there, done that? Same with the '20s? What’s going to go down at the dance? Will Rebekah be okay? What will Esther and evil Ric cook up? Will we ever find out our favorites’ vampire bloodline? Will Katherine come back? (Yes, I snuck that in there.) And how psyched are you to have Jeremy back? You know the deal. Write to me! On Twitter. Or in the comments below. Or through carrier pigeons. That might be fun! Get creative, my friends!