You know, every time I watch the first couple minutes of "The Vampire Diaries," I'm overcome with the realization that I totally don’t need to do these recaps, because Stefan’s new 30-45 second voice-over against a backdrop of scenes from previous episodes is, besides--being incredibly melodramatic and annoying--a really fantastic roundup of the story thus far. The only thing that would make it better? Snark. Which, fortunately for you guys, I have enough for the both of us. (Meaning Stefan and I.)

So, now that I’ve come to another realization (that I do, in fact, need to write these recaps, if only for the undying pleasure they give me and, of course, for the snark), let’s just get to it, shall we? (We shall.) I’m trying something different today, so just go with it.

8:01: Stefan is reading his old journals, as he calls them, but we all know that they’re diaries, so he should probably just own up to it.

8:01: He can’t own up to it, obviously, because as we hear Qetsiyah say so succinctly in the 45-second recap: She’s “frying Silas’s brain," which she did last episode by linking Stefan to Silas, and doing some witchy spell, which caused Stefan’s current memory loss. And I’m just thinking about how someone walked in when I was watching and all she heard was: “I’m frying Silas’s brain," and when you get hilariously ridiculous moments like that coming from the screen, it’s really hard to defend this as occasionally intelligent television.

8:02: Those old journals are being read in a car that Damon is driving and that Stefan apparently helped him steal. Damon needs to prove he’s the fun brother once and for all, so an epic car crash ensues, where they leave unscathed, grinning like the freaking adrenaline-rush addicts they (sometimes) are.

8:04: They are back in Mystic Falls, and it just so happens to be another fake holiday celebrated only by the town: Remembrance Day. Somehow, a group of people at what I assume is The Grill cheers “to Uncle Steve!” and we see or hear nothing from them again. Why was this was included? A mystery to us all.

8:04: This holiday is really morbid--it’s dedicated to burying people alive.

8:05: Damon is trying to catch memory-less Stefan up. The Ripper thing is mentioned, and Stefan makes a noteworthy point: His Ripper syndrome is probably caused by things like the guilt he feels from killing his father way back when. Since he doesn’t have any memories, the psychological baggage is gone, which should mean that the ripper thing conveniently won’t be a problem. We’ll see.

8:06: Have you noticed how much has happened already? It’s only 8:06!

8:06: Jeremy is getting his hunter workout on. Bonnie walks in, tells him not to stop on her account, and then says: “We don’t have Netflix on the other side. [REALLY? BECAUSE I TOTALLY THOUGHT YOU DID.] You working out is my main source of entertainment.” Girl, believe me--even for people that have Netflix, watching Jeremy Gilbert work out is pretty much the only source of entertainment for any girl with eyes.

8:07: Jeremy calls Bonnie "Bon." Even though she’s always called him Jer, and I call her Bon, I would venture to say that this has never happened before and it creeps me out.

8:08: Matt is officially freaking out. He’s sent Bonnie 300 emails this summer, and she’s written back twice. I’m laughing because let’s be real: Bonnie and Matt are the kind of friends that have had two meaningful scenes together, ever, but we’re supposed to acknowledge their friendship is real.

In between 8:08 and 8:10: Damon to Elena: “You take one philosophy class and suddenly you’re the queen of nature vs. nurture.” This is funny because that would require Elena actually going to college and not leaving the second day.

8:10: Stefan’s tryin’ to eat a chick. He is chillingly calm and fairly sexual. As ridiculous as his lines are, this is totally Paul Wesley’s episode. I thought that playing Silas would be his high point of this season, but memory-less Stefan is ruling.

OK, so I stopped writing down times until 8:25 because there’s, like, way too much going on. So, if you’ll forgive me, we’re switching formats.

Elena and Stefan

Damon has to go deal with Jeremy (we’ll get to this in a moment), so Elena takes over the task of jogging Stefan’s memory, but all she really does is act like a huge tease. There are some sweet moments, that mostly exist because Stefan’s acting really cool, and they try to recreate their first meeting where they literally (and figuratively, am I right?) collided in the pilot when she was walking out of the men’s bathroom in school. He asks her about her backstory, and she gives him the brief, dark story of her family’s deaths, including Jeremy, who’s now alive, and Alaric, who was their guardian. This makes me laugh out loud, because let’s be real: homeboy was never their legal guardian (you KNOW Aunt Jenna didn’t have a will), but as the de facto guardian, he was totally creepy/unrealistic/charming. There’s also a moment that should be sweet, when Stefan was all like: How do I not remember you? You must be the strongest woman in the world! But it pretty much just made me want to barf.

Jeremy finally tells everyone Bonnie’s dead

Everybody knows! This is good, because it was getting real stupid real fast. Also, everyone was relying on Bonnie for a quick magical fix, and we have to be realistic sometimes, people! So, the episode ends with a really impromptu funeral in some gorgeous woods. It’s pretty bizarre because BONNIE IS THERE, AT HER OWN FUNERAL, feeding Jeremy lines to say. At first, it doesn’t seem like everybody realizes this, so I’m just screaming: SAY THAT SHE IS HERE. But it seems like everyone gets it at the end. It also seems like they’re of the ancient Egyptian prerogative of giving dead people things for the afterlife, so Damon hands over what I believe to be Emily’s Grimoire (although I thought Bonnie had it at this point), and Elena drops white feathers into the mix, which was actually a really nice touch, as it commemorates that really wonderful moment in season one when Bonnie makes the pillow feathers levitate for Elena to share her magical powers. So there’s all sorts of happiness and crying and it’s the weirdest/saddest/creepiest/most heartwarming funeral ever, and then Tyler arrives which is great, but I’m confused about how eager Caroline was when she ran to him, because, like, are they even still together? How did he know about the funeral, considering he hasn’t been checking his messages? Did he get psychic? And can werewolf consultants get time off? We just don’t know.

It’s totally normal to watch videos of yourself speaking a vaguely European language

Especially if your name is Matt Donovan and you don’t remember speaking said European language. Matt’s understandably freaked about what’s happening to him (Gregor’s in his freaking body, remember?), so he set up video cameras around the house. This is what he sees: himself, addressing the camera, in a vaguely European accent, saying: "Hello, Matt Donovan. I’m the passenger inside you. I know you have many questions but all you need to know is one day my friends will come looking for this blade. Protect it at all costs." I’m wagering that Matt Donovan just became the most interesting character this season (or, at least, for the next couple episodes).

Stefan figures out that he and Elena used to date and now she’s with Damon

This upsets him, but confuses me, as I’m unclear as to how he hadn’t already figured it out. Anyway, he gets all mad and runs away. He and Caroline have this heartwarming best friend moment, which is kind of funny because remember when he was clearly liking Elena in the first few episodes of the series and Caroline was trying to steal him for herself? And he totally blew her off? Look how far they’ve come!

Holy S--t, Jesse!

Since there wasn’t enough crazy in this episode, Caroline decides to invite Jesse for a study date to the cemetery, where the Remembrance Day celebration is going on, because this is a totally normal thing to do. They’ve been studying together so Caroline can a) help with Stefan’s amnesia and b) get in good with Dr. Maxfield (Jesse is actually his lab assistant) so she can get into his class and find out why he lied about Megan’s death. Seems like a romance is blooming! But there are complications to think about, like Tyler and memory-less Stefan needing to feed. Which he does, by taking a big old bite out of Jesse. Caroline saves him in the nick of time, and then feeds him her blood. At this point, you know something crazy’s going to happen. And, indeed--it does. When Jesse gets back to school, he’s examined by Dr. Maxfield, who tells him that he has vampire blood in his system. And then he gives him some sort of lethal injection. And now Jesse’s going to be a vampire. Say, what.

Extra Things

-I know it’s weird, but now that I know that Stefan and Elena are just two in a series of doppelgangers created to rectify the injustice of Silas and Amara’s inability to be together, I feel almost weird watching them, and not quite invested in them.

-Still some Amara things to work out. First off: an introduction would be nice. Secondly, she died as a human, so I’m confused as to why nature kept making doppelgangers of her. We were told that nature made shadow selves so they could be killed, but we were also told that nature made doppelgangers to bring the lost loves together. Amara fits half of the equation, so what’s the deal?

-Two almost kisses: Jesse kissed Caroline, but she backed away after a few seconds. And Elena almost kissed Stefan! But didn’t! (But do you wish she did?)

-Now that Bonnie’s sticking on the other side, can we see Lexi? And Alaric? Like, why does only Bonnie get to roam? If Jeremy can see everyone, why can’t those other cats show up to party? I just really want to see the other side, man.

-Elena’s supposed to go back to college. Bets on how long this will last?

-Stefan left the Salvatore mansion. Where will he go? Caroline’s dorm room? Who knows!

What do you think? Can you believe Tyler’s back? Is he back for good? What’s Dr. Maxfield’s deal? Will Jesse really become a vampire?